


Miles to Go Before I Sleep

by stripeypirate



Category: Naruto
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Eating Disorders, F/M, Gen, Insomnia, Mental Health Issues, Mental Institutions, Recovery, Sasuke is emotionally constipated, Smoking, Suicide Attempt, Team as Family, Uchiha Massacre, What else is new
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-04
Updated: 2016-06-12
Packaged: 2018-05-04 23:23:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 23
Words: 50,580
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5352224
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stripeypirate/pseuds/stripeypirate
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sasuke’s fine, really. So what if it takes a drink (or three or four) to fall asleep at night? He’s coping. But there are some things you can’t escape at the bottom of a bottle. Things that tear open old scars and leave you bleeding for everyone to see.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> The woods are lovely, dark and deep,  
> But I have promises to keep,  
> And miles to go before I sleep,  
> And miles to go before I sleep.
> 
> -Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening, Robert Frost

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The woods are lovely, dark and deep,  
> But I have promises to keep,  
> And miles to go before I sleep,  
> And miles to go before I sleep.
> 
> -Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening, Robert Frost

_I thought it was over._

The tip of his cigarette glowed briefly in the darkness as he inhaled. Almost down to the filter. The remains of an envelope lay scattered across the concrete. The letter itself he held clutched in a sweaty fist. One look at the return address and he knew he couldn’t bring the damn thing into his apartment.         

Konoha Correctional Facility.

_Why now, after all these years?_

He threw the butt down and ground it out with his heel.

The deaths, the trial, the ensuing media circus; he’d been young enough then to avoid the full brunt of the situation, managed to corral it all away into a tiny back corner of his mind so he could focus on what really mattered- rebuilding the family name along with the business. Itachi could rot in jail for the rest of his life for all he cared. He deserved worse, after what he’d done.

 _And he’ll get it soon,_ he reminded himself. _Isn’t that what this is all about? The execution, one last request…_

“Fuck!” He whispered into the pallid glare of a streetlight.

 _Dearest brother,_ the letter began, written with slightly cramped but impeccable penmanship. That was as far as he ever got before the gorge rose in his throat and he could feel a pressure building right in the center of his forehead.

_Stop it. Just put it down. Hell, burn the damn thing and walk away. You don’t owe him anything._

Still, his fingers refused to move; the same paralysis he’d felt that night, and most nights since whenever he thought too hard about Itachi. His smile haunted him more than his parents’ empty stares.

_I need a drink._

As if attached by invisible spider-silk, the letter stayed at his fingertips as he moved through spartan rooms. Kitchen. Top of the refrigerator. It hadn’t been hard to find a gas station that didn’t bother carding. Especially if he happened to slip the cashier an extra twenty.

 _Putting my inheritance to good use,_ he thought bitterly as the burn hit his throat, raw as fire.

_I will not cry._

Three shots later, he tried to read it again.

 _I know you might never forgive me, and that’s alright…. Things I have to explain… Meet in person…_ His eyes skipped to the bottom of the page.

_I will love you always._

After that, he drank straight from the bottle, which grew lighter with every swallow. Drank until he couldn’t see, staggering out into the bathroom with half-formed curses falling from his lips.

_Can’t get away._

The medicine cabinet. Nothing really strong, but enough aspirin would do the trick. About ¾ of a bottle left. It’d have to do.

He washed the pills down with the last of the booze, and the walls started to stretch and constrict around him like a giant artery.

_Have to get out._

Somehow he was on the street, the stars whirling overhead in a dizzying kaleidoscope. Then concrete, rough against his cheek. He closed his eyes, feeling vaguely seasick.

Dimly, he registered that the letter was still in his back pocket, hovering over him like a bad dream.

 _You don’t have power over me anymore,_ he thought with some measure of satisfaction, until his stomach heaved and his vision narrowed to grey slits then nothing at all.

 

* * *

 

_Itachi’s face hovered in front of him, undulating wave-like behind closed eyelids._

_“Why, Sasuke?” His lips weren’t moving but his voice reverberated deep inside Sasuke’s bones._

You know why.

_Itachi continued to stare, unblinking._

_“What do you want from me?!” The words tasted like bile._

_His older brother just smiled sadly, the image growing larger, brighter until all he could see was a glaring white. Arms reached out on all sides, clamping down on his limbs._

_“Let me go you bastard!”_

_“Hold his head.” A voice, not Itachi’s, far away and muffled as if the speaker were underwater._

_A stab of pain in his right arm._

_Silence._

 

* * *

 

The little man sitting across from him was such a caricature of a psychiatrist that he would’ve laughed if he had the energy; golden pince-nez spectacle, sharply parted hair, tweedy brown suit. All that was missing was a German accent and a couch.

“How are you feeling today, Sasuke?”

He resisted the urge to roll his eyes. Barely.

“Fine.”

“That’s not how most people feel after-”

“I wasn’t trying to kill myself,” He spat, twisting the hospital bracelet that encircled a wrist that was a bit paler and skinnier than it had been a few days before. They’d removed the handcuffs for now, at least.

“The doctors tell me you took nearly a hundred pills and washed them down with a significant quantity of alcohol.”

“I had a really bad headache.” This time he did laugh; a grating, hollow sound. His throat was still sore from the lavage, activated charcoal lurking in-between his teeth.

Doctor Whoever frowned slightly, then smoothed his brow to hide it as he scribbled some notes on a pad.

“Would you care to tell me about the contents of the letter you were found with?”

_Like you didn’t fucking read it already._

“No.”

Sasuke turned to stare out the window. The sky was a pure sort of blue, cloudless.

“And if you were to get another one of these ‘headaches’ would you try and repeat the process?”

A crow landed on the windowsill, tilted his head and watched with bright, curious eyes. The scratch-scratching of the doctor’s pen sent an unpleasant tingle up his spine.

“Considering your… family history,” the doctor coughed delicately, “I’d like to recommend intensive inpatient treatment.” A pause. One that Sasuke had no desire to interrupt. “There’s a bed open at a nearby facility. We could get you settled in by this afternoon. It’s a daunting prospect, but you can get better.”

_From what? A shitty childhood and Death Row inmate for a brother?_

Sasuke snorted. “I’m medically emancipated. You can’t act like I’m a ward of the state or something and force me in because I’m not eighteen yet.” He kept his gaze fixed firmly on the parking garage.

“But we are allowed to hold patients who present a danger to themselves or others,” the doctor replied evenly.

_Shit._

“I had hoped that you would admit yourself voluntarily but-”

“I TOLD you I wasn’t trying to kill myself!”

“Then will you agree to sign a no-suicide contract?” A sheet of paper waved under his nose.

He bristled, shoving it aside. “That’s idiotic. What if I just lie? Nobody’d know. You wouldn’t be able to stop me until it’s too late.”   

The doctor stood with a sympathetic shake of his downy head. “I thought you might say something like that. I hope you understand we’re trying to help you here.” He left, leaving the door wide open behind him.

Sasuke lay back in bed with a heavy thump.

_Stupid._

 

* * *

 

Riding in the ambulance was absolutely humiliating. Sitting on a gurney like an invalid under the watchful eye of a paramedic who had an annoying habit of whistling fragments of different songs through his teeth. At least the last time he’d been more or less unconscious.

Neither he nor the paramedic made any attempt at small talk, and Sasuke spent the ride examining the drawers packed with IV tubing, syringes, rolls of bandages, and a compact little defibrillator.

Eventually, they rolled up next to a sign that read “Admittance” with an arrow pointing down a tree-lined path leading to a squat brick building. As they drew closer, Sasuke noticed that the windows on the upper floors were barred.

_Welcome to the loony bin._

The paramedic helped him gather his pathetic collection of possessions; toothbrush, comb, a spare shirt, pants, and change of underwear. His own clothes had been deemed too soiled to return. They’d also confiscated his cigarettes, much to his annoyance. He had no idea what happened to the letter and told himself he didn’t care.

_Wasn’t like I was going to read it. Whatever Itachi wanted to say is irrelevant. He’s going to die and then it’ll over for good. No more skeletons in the closet._

The admissions procedure was long and boring; a tired nurse asking questions he didn’t feel like answering while a security guard stood outside the door processing his meager possessions.

“On a scale of one to ten, with ten being the worst, how would you rate your anxiety right now?”

“I’m not anxious.” Sweat was beginning to bead under his arms, but the room was awfully warm for a day in mid-September.

“Do you ever wish that you could go to sleep and never wake up?”

_Who doesn’t?_

Sasuke shrugged his shoulders.

And on and on about mood swings (no), street drugs (definitely not), depression (well everyone else seems to think so), until he was ready to bash his head against the wall just to get a few minutes’ peace.

“Do you drink?”

“I’m underage.”

The nurse gave him an “oh please” look and not-so-subtly checked her watch.  

“Only enough to get to sleep,” Sasuke grumbled, then instantly regretted it when she raised an eyebrow. He cursed himself for letting his guard down.

_Don’t let them get inside your head. You’ve managed fine on your own for this long. Just focus on meeting whatever their standard for “normal” is so you can get out of here._

“And how much is that?”

“Not that much. Maybe one or two drinks?” _It’s hard to tell when you don’t use a glass._

“Of what?”

“Whatever I can get.” _Preferably hard liquor. Top-shelf is worth the price tag and I’ve got an inheritance to burn._

The nurse’s expression softened from skepticism to something that resembled concern.

“We just need to know so that we can anticipate any detox and get you medication to make you more comfortable. Trust me, we’ve heard it all around here- I doubt anything you say could surprise us at his point.”

_Remember the news stories about ten years back? An entire family wiped out by their teenage son? Only one survivor? Yeah._

“I’m fine.” But as soon as he said that, he felt a pressure start to squeeze at his temples.

_Three days. One of which I was mostly unconscious._

“Could I have a glass of water?”

“Sure,” The nurse smiled. “I can get that for you, and then we’ll have a quick tour of the place and make sure you’re settled into your room. Sound good?”

Sasuke declined to answer.

 _I can beat this on my own. Itachi would never-_ He put the brakes on that thought because it hurt to know that, after all these years and everything he’d done, Itachi’s perfect golden-boy façade still hung over him like an oppressive shadow.

 

* * *

 

The plastic cup trembled slightly in his hand as the nurse led him out of the intake room and down a long, bland corridor filled with offices. This gave way to a rather narrow staircase that lead up to the ward itself two floors higher.

 _Key-card access only,_ Sasuke noted as the nurse swiped her badge. They entered a circular day room dominated by the nurse’s station in the center, presumably so that someone was keeping an eye on the patients at all times. 

“Those hallways are patient rooms,” the nurse explained, pointing at one on either side of the nurse’s station. “One for boy, one for girls. This here’s the rec room,” she gestured to the space around them- A sad little bookcase, a stack of battered board games, a long table pushed off to one side, and a cluster of chairs and a sofa around a TV.

Two girls who’d been lounging turned around at the sound of her voice, peeking over the back of the couch. One was blue-eyed and boney, the other had hair dyed a violent shade of bubblegum pink. Blondie gave him an appreciative once-over and whispered something to her friend, who blushed even darker then her hair. They started giggling and quickly ducked out of sight.

_Weird._

The nurse didn’t notice, or else chose to ignore them.

“The dining room is to your right. Attendance at mealtimes is mandatory- We get a lot of people with eating disorders here, and the rules apply to everyone regardless of their diagnosis,” She added when he opened his mouth to protest. “Besides, it’s a good way to meet people.”

_I’m not here to make friends._

She pushed him gently towards the corridor on the left side of the nurses’ station. Sasuke had to make a conscious effort not to flinch away. 

Everyone gets a different array of therapies depending on their needs. You’ll meet with someone tomorrow to help figure that out. For now, let’s get you settled in!”

They stopped in front of room 318. It didn’t even have a door to push open, but Sasuke hesitated outside all the same. The nurse looked at him expectantly.

“The security guard already brought up your things. If you need any help, have any more questions, or problems with your roommate, just let me know.”

He nodded, with no intention of doing any such thing.

_Wait did she just-_

But the nurse had vanished like smoke.

“Heyyyyyy newbie!” A grating voice called from inside.

_Oh hell no._


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A million and one thank-yous to RedBeardtheNotPirate for helping me transform this fic from a self-indulgent plot bunny into something that I'm actually excited to post! He's the bomb.

Peering around the empty doorframe, Sasuke caught a flash of blond hair bouncing excitedly on a bed. A second later, he was face-to-face with a pair of unflinching blue eyes, staring at him so intensely he had to look away. The other boy had a sour smell to him, as if he or his clothes hadn’t been washed in a few days.

“The bed’s all made up n everything. I put my stuff in all the cubbies but I moved some of it for you- come on lemme show you the place. I’ve been here before so I can like, give you the lowdown or whatever.”

The unruly boy sprang back and waved his arms in a ta-daa gesture; showing off a room that Sasuke already knew was going to be way too small for the two of them. His bed was marked by the bag with his clothing in it, thrown haphazardly in the center.

The other kid was still chattering away behind him. Sasuke couldn’t tell if he genuinely didn’t care if he was being ignored or if he was too dim to notice.

“You don’t have smokes do you? They always take mine. Anyhow life here’s pretty simple: three square meals a day, couple hours of therapy, meds,” He made a face, “but overall it ain’t so bad. My name’s Naruto by the way.” He paused, waiting for Sasuke to introduce himself in turn, lopsided grin on his face.

Sasuke didn’t answer, hoping he would take the hint, but Naruto plowed on.

“S’alright if you don’t want to talk at first, a lot of people don’t.  But you’ll warm up eventually. If anyone gives you trouble though…” He cracked his knuckles.

Sasuke pointedly turned his back, as if unpacking a change of clothes required his full attention.

“Just leave me alone.”

“Oh. Y-y-yeah fine. I get it.” The hurt in Naruto’s voice was raw, but not enough to make Sasuke regret what he said. Retreating footsteps.

_Thank God._

 

* * *

 

He told himself he’d stay aloof (all the better to AVOID characters like Naruto) but after twenty minutes of staring at blank walls and barred windows, the loudspeaker crackled to life and forced him out of his room for dinner.

The cafeteria consisted of two long trestle tables, and a kitchen area where the food was served up on trays assembly-line style. A lady with a large mole on her chin huffed and puffed because Sasuke hadn’t filled out a menu the day before, finally handing him a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, muttering something about “new arrivals” under her breath.

The two girls from the dayroom were already seated. He could feel their eyes on the back of his neck as he took his tray.

“Hey you’re Naruto’s new roomie, right?” It was the blonde, waving him over. “I’m Ino.”

He nodded, eyes sliding back to the tables, scanning for a place that was at least two seats away from anyone else. No such luck.

“Come sit with us!” She patted the empty spot next to her.

Sasuke was about to refuse when Naruto barged in through the door, glaring daggers at him.

_Lesser of two evils,_ he reasoned as he sat down.

Ino giggled, “I don’t know what you did but when he came out of your room, but he was _pissed_. I feel bad for you. And his therapist. I don’t know how he puts up with all the rambling.” She poked at a fruit cup with a fork and made a face.

Sasuke took the bait. “Is he always like that?”

“Only when he’s manic.” The other girl spoke to her plate. “Though he is pretty… Eccentric, I guess. My name’s Sakura by the way!” It all came out in a rush, less confident then her friend.

“And you are?” Ino arched an eyebrow, letting him know that he wouldn’t escape without an introduction.

“Sasuke,” He gritted out. Nausea swirled sluggishly in his stomach at the smell of food, but he forced himself to take a bite of the sandwich. It was dry and stuck in his throat like sandpaper.

“So what’re you in here for?” Ino asked blandly, like she was inquiring about the weather, or his favorite sports team.

Sasuke almost choked.

Next to her, Sakura spluttered, “Don’t be rude. He just got here for crying out loud!”

But Ino merely laughed. “It’s an honest question; I mean, come on, we’re all fucked up. Let’s not pretend otherwise.”

He took a closer look at their gaunt arms and sharp cheekbones, the plates lying largely untouched before them.

“You both have an eating disorder.”

Sakura let out a small gasp and clutched at her kneecaps under the table, face turning almost as pink as her hair. Ino, on the other hand, held his gaze; a small smirk plastered on her lips.

“Obviously. But what about you? No scars, or tics, or delusions…”

“Your hands shook when you picked up your sandwich,” Sakura cut in. She was breathing hard, as if she’d just run a marathon. “Addiction, right?”

“What’s wrong with me is none of your damn business,” Sasuke spat. He didn’t take the time to relish the shocked expressions on the girls’ faces as he stalked out, abandoning his half-finished meal.  

 

* * *

 

With almost everyone else at dinner, the floor was mercifully empty. Sasuke followed the boys’ hallway down past his room to the window at the end. There wasn’t even a ledge to sit on, so he folded his legs underneath him and rested his throbbing head against the wall.

_Mom and Dad would be so embarrassed. I should be stronger than this. I have to be, or else Itachi wins without even lifting a finger._

He ran his dry tongue across his teeth and wished he hadn’t left his water cup in the cafeteria.

_I belong at the head of the estate. Not here._

Anger coursed sluggishly through his veins.

_I’m wasting my time._

“Hey, bastard!” Natuto’s voice cut through his thoughts like barbed wire. The blond boy stood behind him, and Sasuke’s fists itched to sink themselves into his flushed face. Instead, he fixed him with his most condescending stare and walked past him, taking care to jar Naruto with his shoulder on the way.

“I’m TALKING to you.”

A hand closed around his arm in a vice-grip.

“If you wanna be a dick to me, go ahead, but don’t you dare bother Sakura.” His tone was lower than before, more deadly.

Sasuke gaped at him. Unsettled, he couldn’t think of a retort as the blond boy elbowed his way past.

 

* * *

 

He couldn’t sleep. Not after the nurses came to discuss why he’d left the cafeteria early, or when Naruto stumbled in, undoubtedly riding a lithium high from his bedtime meds. He gave Sasuke a glassy-eyed glare and deliberately rolled over, as if snubbing him wasn’t what Sasuke had wanted all along.

Seven became eight, which turned into nine and then ten, the hands of the clock moving in lockstep around their endless circular dance. The room was too small to pace. Besides, he didn’t want to risk waking his roommate, who’d been snoring since his head hit the pillow. Even in sleep he couldn’t be quiet.

Cold moonlight slipped in through the window, reminding him of a very different night.

_I need a drink,_ he realized with growing horror, the pain in his head spiking as if to mock him. _No, that’s bullshit._

Sasuke crept to the bathroom to splash water on his face. Itachi’s face stared back at him from the mirror with yellow parchment-skin and he had to fight back the urge to be sick.

He sat silent vigil on the bed until the sky started to streak through with pink.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for reading! I am paid only in kudos and love, so every little bit means a lot to me :)

“How’d you sleep last night?”

Sasuke caught a glimpse of the shadow-like bruises under his eyes in the mirror on the wall and quickly looked away. _Isn’t it obvious?_

Five minutes into his first official meeting with his shrink and things were already going downhill faster than he expected. He settled into the chair and did his best to look unimpressed. It wasn’t hard; the walls were bare, and her desk was littered with crumpled bits of paper and a few candy wrappers.

To his surprise, she grinned a little.

“Now I don’t know what you have or haven’t heard about me, but let me give you the basics. My name’s Tsunade, I’ve been doing this longer than you’ve been alive, and although some people call my style…unusual, it works. Most of the time.”

_Longer than I’ve been alive- how old is she?!_ Sasuke scrutinized her smooth, unblemished skin. He could make out the faint lines of crow’s feet around her eyes if he squinted, but other than that, she didn’t look a day over thirty.

“Now tell me about yourself.” Tsunade crossed her arms over an ample bosom.

“What do you want to know?” He muttered churlishly, worrying a section of carpet with his foot.

“Well, what do you think is important for me to know?”

Sasuke shrugged and met her gaze. He still felt jittery and unsettled from the night before, like a top that had been knocked off-balance and sent skittering across the floor. The coffee he’d managed to force down for breakfast was molten lava in his stomach.

“Nothing, really.”

 Tsunade scoffed. “You don’t seem like a boring person.”

“I’m not!” His voice was tight, angry that she’d put him on the defensive.

They sat in silence for what felt like hours, the air stewing around them until a buzzer went off on Tsunade’s desk.

“Looks like our time’s up. Not so fast!” She snapped as Sasuke jumped to his feet to leave. She rummaged around in a drawer that eventually yielded a battered notebook. “I want you to write in this. Think of it as a homework assignment or whatever, I don’t care. It’s mandatory. Perhaps,” a wicked gleam lit up her face, “you could answer the question I asked earlier.”

_Touché._

 

* * *

 

Sasuke shoved the notebook into a cubby as soon as he got back to his room and left it there to rot. Which it might, if the funky smells coming from Naruto’s side were any indication.

  _If he gets my clothes moldy I’m going to kill him._

Judging by the schedule that some nurse had thoughtfully put up on the dry erase board, his roommate would be in occupational therapy until ten, giving him an entire fifteen minutes of peace.

Determined to make himself scarce before then, Sasuke headed for the dayroom, praying that Sakura and Ino would be otherwise occupied. He paused at the doorframe before turning around to retrieve the notebook. After a moment’s hesitation, he scrawled “I am not depressed” on the first page.

There. At least he could say his homework was done.

 

* * *

 

The dayroom was unoccupied, save for a girl with wide, vacant eyes. She sat very still and very straight, her hands occasionally running up and down her arms as if she was trying to warm herself up.

Sasuke ignored her and picked out a book to read. It was some sort of generic adventure story- not particularly well written, but something to occupy the time. He hadn’t even finished the first chapter when he noticed her breathing start to increase and her fingers fluttered like nervous birds.

“U-u-um excuse me?”

It took Sasuke a minute to realize she was talking to him and not empty space.

“Yeah?”

“Sorry to bother you, but doyouknowifNaruto’saround?”

“Art therapy or something.” He paused, wrestled internally. “What do you want?”

“My name’s Hinata. I, um, came to give him his schoolwork.”

_How long has he been here?_

“Oh, so you’re not-”

Hinata blushed deep to the roots of her hair. “No, I’m not a patient here. We just live together- well, not like that! Uh, i-it’s complicated, sorry…” She trailed off.

_What an odd girl._

“He should be back soon.”

The awkward silence returned and Sasuke was wondering if he should just go back to his room, when the familiar nails-on-a-chalkboard voice echoed down the hallway.

“I have a visitor?! Who is it? Tell me, tell me!”

Hinata reddened again and clutched the folder she was holding tighter. When Naruto spotted her, his face broke into a wide grin.

“Oh man, I figured it’d be Iruka here to whine about school n stuff.  I’m glad it’s you instead.”

“Well I-I still have your homework, which Iruka told me to remind you to finish,” she cleared her throat nervously.

“Ehhh I’ll forgive you.” Naruto grabbed her hands, one still clinging to the assignments, and hauled Hinata to her feet. He threw an easy arm around her shoulders. “How’s everyone else at the house doing? Oh! I GOTTA tell you about my roommate. He’s such a-”

“I’m right here, dumbass.”

But Naruto prattled on as he walked away, dragging Hinata along for what appeared to be an impromptu tour of the facilities. She seemed to be too absorbed watching his face to be paying much attention.

_Everybody’s got different tastes, I guess. But I really wonder about them… Does Naruto even realize? Unless…_ He thought back to their confrontation after dinner; Naruto’s voice taut and protective.

_“Don’t you dare bother Sakura.”_  Hmm.

Sasuke rolled his eyes and hoped that his roommate would be gone long enough for him to finish chapter two, at least.

 

* * *

 

Hinata left just as the rugged but heroic Jack Turner was preparing his motorcycle for another lonely ride through the desert roads. The sun was just beginning to set, burnishing what little Sasuke could see through the window bars gold. He could still make out Hinata’s flaming face as a beat-up little Volkswagen picked her up in front of the admissions entrance. He put down the book and started counting down his remaining seconds of peace.

Sure enough, Naruto burst into the room shortly after, humming tunelessly and snapping his fingers to a beat only he could feel.

“So who was she?”

Naruto grinned cheekily. “What, you jealous?”

“No,” Sasuke scowled, already regretting his decision to initiate an actual conversation. “I was just wondering who could possibly have the patience to put up with you voluntarily.”

“Shut up! I got lotsa friends. ‘Sides I don’t see anyone coming to visit YOU.”

“Fuck off,” He spat. “Maybe it doesn’t bother me because I’m not desperate for attention and approval. Unlike some people.” Sasuke opened the book back up and pretended to read, as if he wasn’t stinging from the other boy’s comment.

“ARE YOU TALKIN’ ABOUT ME?” Naruto hollered, because Christ, he _was_ dim. He stomped over the line that, in Sasuke’s mind, divided their sides of the room and shoved his face so close that their noses almost touched.

“Let me tell you something, _pal_ ,” He hissed in that rough voice that could never quite manage to drop to a whisper. It dug into Sasuke’s brain like a nail, exacerbating the sleepless nights and endless, boring days. “I’m gonna change the world and everyone’s gonna look up to me one day, you’ll see! I’ll start with the streets y’know? Give everyone jobs and-” His eyes were shining bright and manic.

“How exactly do you plan on doing that?” Sasuke snapped. “You’re just some loser in a looney bin. Nobody’s going to listed to you.” He could smell the other boy’s breath, hot and rancid on his cheek, and longed to slam his forehead straight into his face.

Naruto took a step back, the corners of his mouth crumpling like a paper bag.

“I didn’t ask you, bastard. An’ don’t go around thinkin’ you’re all high and mighty. You’re stuck in here too, same as us.” With that, he slunk out to the day room, muttering arguments and counter-arguments to himself until a nurse took him aside to calm him down.

 

* * *

 

He woke with Itachi’s sticky corpse-fingers wrapped around his throat like seaweed, and his sheets soaked with sweat. He feared that he’d cried out in the few seconds of confusion between sleep and waking, but if he had, Naruto slumbered on oblivious. The clock read just after one.

_Deep breaths. Control. It was a dream, that’s all. He’s not dead. Not yet._

He clenched his fists until his fingernails drew blood on his palms, but his breathing slowed and the delirious night-panic faded into a comfortable, familiar burn of hatred.

With the hours before dawn stretching before him like an unblinking eye, Sasuke slipped out of bed and padded down the hall, hoping to quell the restlessness itching the soles of his feet.

“Everything okay?” The night nurse, clutching a cup of coffee, barely glanced up from his crossword.

He nodded, and declined his offer of medication with a small prickle of pride.

_A walk’s all I need. Just to clear my head._

Sasuke thought about the bottles; one on top of the refrigerator, one inside it, and one under the bed. For emergencies. He swallowed reflexively, throat like sandpaper.

The night nurse was beginning to look at him curiously. Sasuke bade him goodnight before he could start asking any questions and left the man rustling his paper behind the desk.

He let his feet carry him the way he used to at home; hours spent wandering the city at night, his body awash in neon lights and the sound of passing cars and midnight revelers, but his mind always elsewhere. Back home, in a time when that actually meant something. Packed lunches, upholstery worn thin by generations of Uchihas- passed down like their stories from father to son.

The hospital wasn’t the same. He was too confined. The boys’ dormitory was a dead end, and the day room extended only so far before meeting locked doors. Blank walls smiled down at him like ghosts.

_The cafeteria._

Surely they didn’t stock alcohol, but if he could get in without attracting notice he’d be out from under the constant hawk-gaze of the nurses. To his surprise, the handle slid open easily. He cast a furtive glance at the front desk, but the night nurse hadn’t looked up from his puzzle. Swiftly, silently, he slipped inside, and shut the door behind him.

A sharp intake of breath as something clattered to the floor.

Sasuke froze. A light was on in the kitchen. He could feel a presence in the room; the electricity of someone holding their breath.

“Who’s there?” He demanded.

A muffled sob.

He edged forward, taking care to avoid tables and chairs in the dark. Using two hands to push himself up, he vaulted over the service station and landed in a tiled room full of vaguely threatening industrial cooking equipment. From the light spilling out from the giant, stainless-steel refrigerator, Sasuke caught a glimpse of pink hair crouched next to the sink.

“Of course it’d be you,” Sakura whispered. “It’s almost funny, really,” she continued half to herself, “Here I was hoping you’d notice me…” Her mouth was smeared with what was apparently chocolate ice cream, judging from the empty single-serve containers scattered about.

_You both have an eating disorder._

Sasuke felt vaguely sick. He eyed the cafeteria door, wondering if he could make a break for it, pretend nothing ever happened.

“Please don’t tell anyone!” Sakura begged, misinterpreting his gaze. “I-I haven’t done this in a long time.” Her hands balled into fists.

He stayed silent and dumb as a shadow. She seemed to be waiting for him to say something, but the words stayed clotted at the back of his throat.

Finally, with all the dignity she could muster, Sakura stood, wiped her mouth with the back of her hand, and began gathering up the empty cartons in her arms.

Sasuke grabbed one lying by his foot and handed it to her, hoping she could sense the apology in his movement somehow. She didn’t meet his eyes, and a loathsome mixture of pity and irritation welled up in him.

_I didn’t want to see this. I don’t want to know your pain. Just forget about tonight and forget about me._

“I hope you sleep better tomorrow,” Sakura murmured, dumping an armful of shame into the trash.

Then she was gone and Sasuke was left alone with the sound of his own ragged breathing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can I just say that I'm really excited to write Tsunade as Sasuke's therapist? I feel like she wouldn't take any of his bullshit.


	4. Chapter 4

Sasuke was sitting cross-legged on his newly-folded sheets when the loudspeaker made its customary breakfast announcement. To pass the hours after his uncomfortable encounter in the cafeteria, he’d cleaned the room within an inch of its life- which was no easy task in the dark, without proper supplies.

Naruto yawned and rubbed the grit from his eyes. He looked blearily around the room until their eyes met, after which he let out a passive-aggressive huff and turned his back on Sasuke.

_At least he’s too mad to talk to me now,_ he thought as he went through the motions of brushing his teeth and washing his face, as if he hadn’t done that twice already just to pass the time. Naruto, of course, barely bothered to run a comb through his hair so at least they didn’t have to fight over the bathroom.

Sasuke longed to skip breakfast altogether; avoid Ino’s pointless chatter, Sakura’s embarrassment over last night, and the unsettling blue glare that was sure to follow him wherever he went.

“I’ll show you,” Naruto fumed under his breath, shaking out a pair of pants he’d fished out from under his bed.

Sasuke lamented the fact that he didn’t have a door he could slam in his roommate’s face.

 

* * *

 

Tsunade glanced at the journal entry he’d written the day before and Sasuke watched her eyebrows climb towards her hairline with a twinge of perverse delight.

_You can’t make me do anything. I’m still in control here. Not you or your little “exercises” to try and pry me open._

“I never said you were depressed,” Tsunade said neutrally, closing the book and placing it on the desk between them.

“But-” Sasuke did he best not to let his mouth hang open in confusion.

“I think you have a maladaptive response to a severe trauma that’s been untreated and left to fester for years.”

_So she knew the stories all along._ Sasuke braced himself for the questions; the rehashing of events, the sympathetic sighs and sad, knowing looks, followed by queries about how it all made him _feel_ as if he could put into words utter gut-wrenching terror and betrayal that still returned to plague him at night. The sensation of missing a step in the dark and falling down the stairs, only to discover that the floor is gone too, and you’re just plummeting through empty space.

To his complete shock, Tsunade pried open a window, took out a cigarette and lit up without so much as blinking an eye.

“Want one?” She proffered the pack.

_Is this some kind of sick test?_

Still, Sasuke couldn’t resist the comfort of nicotine, so he took it warily.

_If you’re trying to go good shrink/bad shrink on me, it won’t work. I don’t owe you any answers just because you’re breaking the rules for me._

But no further questions came. They sat smoking in relatively companionable silence until the buzzer sounded.

“I think we should start you on some medication to help you sleep,” Tsunade marked off-hand as he headed out the door. “Pills do a hell of a better job than alcohol, anyways. Would that be alright?”

Sasuke made a non-committal noise in the back of his throat and left without looking back.

 

* * *

 

The more Sasuke thought about Tsunade’s suggestion, the more irritated he became. He longed to pass out; let the world fade to black around him so that wasn’t painfully aware of every sluggish minute, but be could also see his father’s frown, the slight shake of his head that were the only outward signs of his crushing disappointment.  

_“The Uchiha family is made of strong stock. You’ve got that same blood flowing in your veins.”_

Sasuke couldn’t remember the context of the lecture, only the weight of his father’s strong hands on his shoulders

_“You and Itachi must carry on the family name; bring our legacy into the next generation. One day, when you’re older, I’ll teach you how to run the company.”_

_“I won’t let you down!”_ His own voice, trembling and eager.

_“That’s my boy.”_

He gritted his teeth against the shame that welled up in his gut.

_I’ve already fucked things up enough by getting myself locked in here. If I’m going to restore the family name, I need to do it on my own, not rely on a little white pill to get me to sleep every night. I just have to get stronger, more disciplined. Resist._

By the time Sasuke got back to his room, his mind was made up: He’d let Tsunade prescribe whatever she felt was necessary and pretend to take it like a good little patient. No one would be the wiser.

 Naruo was flipping through a comic book, but to Sasuke’s surprise, he looked surprisingly sheepish. Contrite, even.

_Must’ve had a good therapy session. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him sit still this long._

“Listen, I wanted to apologize for earlier, I…” Naruto narrowed his eyes suspiciously, sniffed. “You smell like smoke. Don’t tell me you’ve been holding out on me this whole time!”

Sasuke rolled his eyes. “Of course not, moron. Where would I hide a pack of cigarettes? They searched my stuff.” He turned his back on his roommate with the intention of ignoring him again, but Naruto’s sly chortle stopped him.

“There’re ways around that!”

“Show me.”

The blond boy pretended to think for a minute, scratching his chin thoughtfully. “I dunno, you’ve been kind of a jerk this whole time…”

“Yeah, yeah I’m sorry, okay?” Sasuke snapped.

Naruto’s grin widened and he motioned him over.   

“Get a load of this!” With a flourish, he swept aside the mound of clothes under him bed, revealing a cluster of cups with paper towels secured across their tops with a rubber band.

_So THAT’s where the smell’s been coming from._

“What is-”

“Moonshine!” Naruto explained. “It’s really easy to make, apparently. You just gotta get some yeast and fruit juice and let it sit for a while.”

Sasuke reached out and gave one of the cups a tentative sniff. “The fuck- What is this, apple juice?”

“Not for much longer,” the other boy said with an impish grin.

“I don’t think that’s exactly how that works. Don’t you need to seal it off somehow, distill it?”

Naruto looked at him like he was an idiot. “That’s what the paper towels are for. But if you don’t want any that’s fine. More for me.”

“Have at it. You’ll probably go blind.” Sasuke replaced the cup, taking care to touch it with the bare minimum of two fingers. _What a waste._

Naruto opened his mouth to protest but footsteps echoed down the hall, interrupting what would likely be another long and pointless argument. Both boys hurriedly stuffed the clothes back on place and, as the footsteps seemed to be slowing at their door, they sat down on Naruto’s bed as if they’d been reading the comic book together all along.

“Afternoon meds,” A nurse with a long, brunette braid answered cheerily. “Naruto Uzumaki?”

After a rather tedious process in which she had to ask his name and birthdate and verify that the information matched his wristband, she dispensed a capful of pills into his waiting palm.

Sasuke hadn’t ever bothered to pay much attention to the proceedings before, but now he looked on in interest, as if he was observing a foreign but necessary ritual.

Naruto swept all the medication into his mouth in one go, swallowed obediently, and even stuck his tongue out of the nurse to examine. She rolled her eyes and smiled indulgently, then left for the next patient.

They sat in silence as the footsteps receded. Then Naruto slyly spit the pills back out into a sock he had tucked under his pillow.

_This is exactly the kind of thing I need to know._

Sasuke’s pride shrank at the thought of asking his imbicile roommate for help, but desperate times…


	5. Chapter 5

The moment of truth: bedtime meds. Sasuke stood from his seat in the dayroom when his name was called and quickly ran a mental checklist of all the little tips Naruto had given him.

_Relax. Don’t be difficult._

He couldn’t quite bring himself to smile at the nurse, but he took the oblong pill without complaint. It stuck to slightly sweaty fingers.

_They’ll get suspicious if you make a fuss._

Once inside his mouth, he used his tongue to push the medicine into the space between his teeth and cheek as he pretended to swallow. Sasuke waited for scrutiny, but the nurse was already moving on to the next patient.

The pill was already starting to dissolve in a sticky mess against his gums. Calmly as he could muster, he strolled back to his room where he could spit it out into a wad of toilet paper and flush any evidence away.

A bitter taste remained in his mouth, but Sasuke decided against a glass of water. This was a reminder of his first small victory, proof that he wouldn’t take any indignity lying down.

Naruto smiled and gave him a thumbs up, and for once Sasuke smiled back.

 

* * *

 

_The hospital was dead silent except for the ticking of a clock. Sasuke found himself in the dayroom, drenched in moonlight._

_Peace at last._

_He took a deep breath in._

Where’s the night nurse?

_He froze, listening for the tapping of fingers on a keyboard, or the rustling turn of a page but there was only the incessant tick-tock echoing through the room._

Something’s wrong.

_Sasuke could feel it like a punch in the stomach; a change in the electricity of the air that signaled catastrophe. The air smelled of blood._

_He was on his feet now, running down the hallway towards his room, but as he did he felt himself getting smaller and smaller as the clock rang out louder and louder until it was pounding in his ears like a mechanical heartbeat._

_There was a door blocking his path. Identical to the one back home, in his parent’s bedroom and before he even touched the handle he knew what he would find if he opened it._

Nono please, not this I never wanted-

_But his body moved on his own accord. He was simply on auto-pilot, staring out through eyes he could no longer control._

_The floor was sticky and red. Each step made an awful, soft sucking sound as he stepped into the room. Naruto lay spread eagle on his bed, stiller than he should ever be; his chest torn open from sternum to navel. Sakura was curled at his feet. Her eyes were still open, pleading, but Sasuke knew without a second glance that she was dead too._

_It was the figure in the center of the room that had his attention; innocuous enough in simple black pants and a turtleneck, but the knife he held in his hand told a different story._

_“Itachi,” his voice was embarrassingly high like he was eight years old all over again. “How could you- you can’t… His older brother looked on, impassive._

_“You can’t hurt me anymore,” Sasuke insisted, his certainty wavering. “You’re in rotting in prison until they get you in a chair and fry you like an animal.”_

_Itachi took a step forward, the knife falling to the floor with a clatter. Sasuke was paralyzed as he leaned in, so close he could feel breath tickling his ear._

_“That’s where you’re wrong, little brother. Look around. You break everything you touch.”_

“Leave me alone!”

“Woah woah, calm down, what’s going on?!”

The world came back in a disorienting swirl of colors as someone was shaking his shoulders very hard. Sasuke realized his throat was raw, probably from yelling his dream-lines in reality. He lashed out, knocking away the hands that gripped his shoulder so that he could focus.

_I’m safe I’m safe. None of this was real._

“Are you okay?” Naruto was looking at him dubiously, hair rumpled from sleep and bags under his eyes, but undoubtedly, blessedly, whole.

“Fine.”

“You’re all pale ‘n shit.”

“Go back to sleep.” He almost had his breathing under control, enough to fake normalcy so that Naruto only scoffed in disbelief as he went back to his own bed.

“Whatever you say, asshole. Just don’t keep me up with your screaming.”

“I won’t, loser.”

“Good.”

“Fine.”

Naruto pulled the sheets over his head and began to fake-snore at the top of his lungs. Sasuke rolled his eyes in spite of the chill the nightmare had left. It was time for another walk.

 

* * *

 

_Okay this is getting ridiculous._

Sakura spotted him before he even reached the nurses’ station and gave a little half-wave. It was too late to turn around without looking like a total ass, so he reluctantly joined her on the couch. The room was so dark he could barely see the shape of her face.

_Must be a cloudy night. No moon._

That in and of itself was a relief.

“Another late night?” She asked softly.

“Yeah.”

“I’m sorry to hear that.”

“What are you doing here?” His throat was still oddly constricted, so the question came out harsher than he intended.

“Ino wanted me to come exercise in the showers with her, but I didn’t.” Sakura bit her lip, “I don’t think she wants to be healthy.”

“Hnnn.” There was some sort of implication in her tone that made him uncomfortable.

“You know, getting treatment here isn’t the worst thing. Ino acts like they’re trying to take away a part of her, but I think it’s the opposite- they’re trying to bring her _back_. I want her to be who she was before the anorexia. We used to be best friends and now I’m afraid EDs are the only thing we have in common anymore. ” Sakura drew her knees up to her chest. “Ha look at me, unloading on you again. You probably think I’m an idiot who’s too weak to get her life together.”

_I’m the one who’s supposed to be preparing to run a company, not lounging around the loony bin all day because I’m having a little trouble sleeping._

“You’ll get out of here soon, go back to school, and your friends and family, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Then you have something to look forward to.” He couldn’t quite keep the bitterness out of his voice at the thought of his empty apartment.

Wordlessly, Sakura reached out and put a hand on his leg. The weight was surprisingly warm and comforting, but he flinched away with a sharp intake of breath. It reminded him of a future he might have had; one in which duty and hatred was replaced with dreamless nights and pretty girls with gentle smiles.

“Sorry,” she muttered, withdrawing the offending fingertips and tucking them under her armpits as if she was cold.

He wanted to grab her hand and hold it in place but his stupid, stubborn pride kept him immobilized.

“I just… didn’t want you to feel alone! I care about you, Sasuke. And Naruto does too, I can tell. Maybe I hate you a little because you always act like you’re better than us or that we don’t mean anything to you, but I think it’s important for you to know that you’ll have something to look forward to once you get out of here too.”

“Thank you,” he ground out, which was all his tightening throat would allow. It was pitiful and inadequate, but Itachi’s face still floated before him, sneering in the dark.

_You shouldn’t get any closer to me. I’ll only end up hurting you in the end._  

Sakura leaned in further, the ends of her hair brushing against his collarbone. He could feel his heart beating in the stillness.

A pointed cough sounded behind them; Ino with her hands on her hips, drenched in sweat.

“Come on, Sakura, I thought you were going back to bed.” She shot Sasuke a venomous look that promised retribution in the morning.

“Y-yeah I just figured I would wait for you. Act as a lookout or whatever.”

Even though he couldn’t see, he was sure Sakura was blushing.

_Why? We were just talking. They’re both so damn sensitive._

Sakura reluctantly followed Ino back to the girls’ hallway, giving Sasuke a tentative half-wave over her shoulder. With nothing better to do, he made his way back to his own room.

He slept soundly for the rest of the night.  

 

* * *

 

Sure enough, Ino pounced on him as soon as he entered the dayroom the next day.

“I see you and Sakura are taking midnight walks together.” Her lip curled at the implication.

 “What’s it to you?” _Like it’s any of your business in the first place._

Ino huffed, “I’m just _concerned_  for her is all. She’s got a bit of a savior complex, if you hadn’t noticed.”

“And?” Sasuke glanced meaningfully at the clock, as if he had somewhere to be. It was a trick that didn’t work so well in a place where schedules were heavily enforced and free time meant you had a choice between one of three rooms.

“She wants to fix you.  Why else did you think she was paying you all that attention?” She asked snidely. “You’re the newest broken one here, so that’s clearly who she’s going to gravitate towards. First it was Naruto…”

“I still don’t see your point.”

Ino sighed and rolled her eyes, as if he was being purposefully dense. “I know your type; dark, brooding, don’t think you owe anyone anything because something shitty happened when you were a kid,” she held up a hand to keep him from protesting. “You’re basically catnip to Sakura’s type, who think they can come in and make it all better with a little TLC.”

Sasuke saw where she was headed and wanted to put his hands over his ears because dammit, he _knew_ already and the last thing he wanted to do was make friends here, only to have them leave. It’d be better if he left first, or, even more ideally, never made that bond at all.

“You’ll break her heart once she realizes you’re too selfish to let her in, and I’ll be left to pick up the mess,” Ino sniffed. “Besides, I don’t know what you see in her in the first place, unless you’re into the whole high forehead thing?”

Sasuke chose to ignore her, which didn’t matter as it seemed she’d finished her spiel anyways. Ino flipped her long ponytail over a scrawny shoulder and left, a slight sashay in her narrow hips.


	6. Chapter 6

“Sasuke Uchiha? You have a phone call.”

Sasuke looked up at the green-jacketed orderly in surprise. Then his eyes flicked to the art therapist, who peered at his work in progress, huffed exasperatedly, and gave a terse nod. The assignment had been to “make a meditative painting." He had spent the last half hour studiously coloring the whole page a solid black.

_Who could possibly want to call me here?_ Sasuke wondered as he threaded through the halls at the orderlies’ heels.

They stopped at a semi-private booth right next to the door that lead off his floor; far enough from the nurses’ station and the dayroom that he couldn’t easily be overheard if he spoke a bit more softly than normal, but close enough that the nurses could monitor any escalating behavior. After a brief chat with the operator, the orderly handed the phone off to Sasuke and vanished.

“Hello?” He did his best to mask the uncertainty in his voice.

“Mr. Uchiha. It’s Noburo Hizashi.”

The head of trustees currently running the Uchiha shipping empire. His tone was clipped. Sasuke could almost see him sitting ramrod-straight in his chair, straightening out a stack of papers as they spoke. He felt a sudden rush of embarrassment at the circumstances.

“Is everything alright?”

“The business is fine. However, the Board had some concerns about your mental well-being at the last meeting.”  

_Jesus fucking Christ._

“It’s nothing to worry about,” Sasuke bit back a “sir.”   _I still hold the rights to the company. I just have to wait until I’m eighteen to inherit them. They need to respect my authority, not the other way around. That’s what Dad always said, anyways._

Noburo coughed delicately on the other end of the line. “It would be if the press got wind of it. Already we’re falling under more intense scrutiny, what with your brother’s execution date set and all. If a journalist decided to do a retrospective piece, revisit those affected by the murders and found you… indisposed, then that wouldn’t paint a very promising picture for our stockholders now, would it?”

The pounding in his temples came back with a fierce and sudden intensity, beating like a drum inside his skull. He slouched down further against the wall that shielded him from the dayroom and closed his eyes.

_A drink, a drink, a drink._ He didn’t care what, he just wanted to feel the burn in his throat and the rush into oblivion. 

“We need to prove that the Uchiha name still holds power- and that it’s free of your brother’s… madness. Do you understand what I’m saying?”

Sasuke resisted the temptation to sigh loudly into the mouthpiece.

“I’ll be out of here as soon as possible. With a clean bill of health.”

“Good. On behalf of the Board, I’d like to wish you a speedy recovery and to assure you that the company is in good hands. We’ll be in touch in the near future. Thank you for your time.” The line went dead.

Sasuke uncurled the fist he hadn’t realized he was clenching, knuckles bone-white. He replaced the phone with a soft click, but pictured himself slamming the cursed thing against the wall. Followed by his fists. And then his head. Until his whole body was one big bruise and he couldn’t feel anything else.

_They think I’m incompetent. They think I caught Itachi’s crazy like some sort of germ. And the press…_

That was what he remembered most clearly out of the dark, confusing days after his family’s murder and Itachi’s subsequent arrest; Bright lights that flashed hot in his face, microphones shoved under his chin by faceless reporters, and leering TV anchors who stank of pomade.

_What a story I must have been- the Darling Orphan Survivor, wide-eyed with cheeks still full of baby fat. The new face of unspeakable tragedy._

He stood unsteadily, trying to force air in and out of his lungs.

_They wouldn’t be able to get in, would they?_

Suddenly, the chatter from the dayroom was too loud. It was a Saturday, so visitors were more common. He could see Sakura hugging a woman with grey-streaked hair who was probably her mother, and even Ino was playing chess with some guy around their age who looked extremely bored.

_I have to get out of here._

Sasuke stumbled down the hallway to his room. At least there he’d have some measure of solitude; maybe he’d even be able to get some shuteye, just drop out of consciousness for a few hours. His exhausted brain ached at the thought.

 Naruto and Hinata were sitting cross-legged on the blond boy’s bed, a pile of cards in between them. As he entered, Hinata mumbled something that sounded like “Go Fish,” and Naruto howled in frustration. 

Fresh anger broke on him like a wave of molten lava.

“Get out,” he gritted through clenched teeth. All he needed was a place to rest his head in peace and quiet.

“We were here first,” Naruto scowled and crossed his arms childishly.

“I-it’s okay,” Hinata put a calming hand on his shoulder as she began to rise from the bed. “We can go back to the dayr-”

“No! This guy’s not the boss of us.”

Sasuke pinched the bridge of his nose. Naruto’s voice was like a nail driving into his brain.

_Of all days for him to act up…_

“’Sides he’s probably just jealous that no one came to visit him again.”

Sasuke channeled all his rage and frustration into his fist, then hauled off and punched him right in the mouth.

Hinata gasped. Naruto’s shit-eating grin vanished instantly, replaced by a brief moment of hurt and confusion as a trickle of blood ran down a bottom lip that was already beginning to swell. A second later he threw himself forward with an inarticulate scream of anger.

Sasuke saw the blow coming long before it hit, so he neatly sidestepped the raging blond. To his surprise, Naruto wasn’t fazed as his punch veered wildly off-course. Without missing a beat, he tucked his chin and caught Sasuke full in the chest with a headbutt.

Somewhere over his shoulder, Itachi was smirking along with the board of trustees.

_Weak._

Sasuke jabbed his elbow into the bony vertebrae of Naruto’s exposed neck, bringing him to his knees, followed by a swift kick to the stomach that left him curled on the floor.

The world fell away, shrank to the thud of fists on flesh and the blood singing in his ears. He vaguely heard Hinata calling for help, but that didn’t matter anymore. Naruto fought like a wet cat; clawing furiously at whatever he could reach, twisting artlessly in a vain attempt to kick him in the head, lips bared in a snarl.

A hand descended on his collar, yanking them apart. Sasuke took deep gulps of air, his legs quivering so that he could hardly stand. A crowd of stern-faced nurses had gathered in the room, one of whom was hanging onto Naruto in a similar fashion. Hinata stood behind them, looking like she was trying not to cry. He realized numbly that his nose was bleeding.

Lips moved, hands pushed him down the hall, but Sasuke couldn’t summon up the energy to focus on what was being said now that the adrenaline was ebbing from him like air leaking from a balloon. Horror dawned on him slow and cold when they stopped at the door to Tsunade’s office.

 

* * *

 

_What are they going to do? Shoot me up with tranquilizers and throw me in solitary? Straight-jacket? Once the company hears about that, I’m finished. I’ve never managed to fuck up this fast before._

Tsunade dismissed the orderly gripping his arms with a cold nod, then ushered him inside and closed the door.

“Have a seat.”

Sasuke didn’t see how he could refuse.

She crossed the room in a few quick steps and sat at the desk across from him with her fingers laced together and an unreadable expression in her eyes. She scrutinized him in awkward silence for several minutes, to let him stew in his own juices, Sasuke assumed, before she finally spoke.

 “Can you tell me about the massacre?”

“You read the newspaper, don’t you?” Sasuke was caught off-guard. _What does that have to do with what just happened?_

“Yes, but I want to hear it in your own words.”

“How is that going to help? Won’t I just keep re-living it or some shit?” _I already spend enough time thinking about it in my dreams._

“That is a possibility, yes, but it’s also important to acknowledge that this horrible thing happened to you. I think you’ve spent a lot of energy pushing through this experience like it never happened, while it’s been secretly biting you in the ass this whole time. Am I wrong?”

Sasuke didn’t say anything.

Tsunade sighed, unclasping her hands. “I don’t believe you’re a violent patient, which means that outburst happened because there’s something that’s been eating away at you that you can’t cope with on your own. It just built, and built until you exploded.” She arched an eyebrow. “If you don’t want to start with your childhood, we could talk about the phone call you received today. The nurse at the desk said you looked pretty upset afterwards.”

Sasuke picked at an invisible speck of dust under his nails. “I guess you could say they’re related,” he gritted out, admitting defeat.

Tsunade practically beamed. “I thought so!”

_She’s just as crazy as anyone here._

“Smoke?”

Sasuke accepted the cigarette with trepidation. This time it felt like a bribe, but if he was going to go through with the whole sordid re-telling, he was in no position to refuse the nicotine.

He cleared his throat and prepared the neat little package he’d developed after countless recitations to investigators, guidance counselors, and insipid, well-meaning teachers.

“I woke up in the middle of the night. Maybe I heard something, I don’t know.”

_I was thirsty._

“I went to my parents’ bedroom but the door cracked was open.”

_The air felt wrong. Too quiet, too still. My knees were shaking and I told myself not to be stupid because monsters didn’t exist, and even if they did, Mom and Dad were right there on the other side to protect me._

“They were lying on the floor and Itachi was standing over them.”

_The blood hadn’t even dried yet, spreading in a sticky puddle. The moon was huge in the window, bathing everything in black and silver. Mom’s hand was stretched out towards the door like she was reaching for me. So pale…_

“I didn’t understand what happened. I just stood there in the doorway, screaming about calling an ambulance.” _Like a moron._ “Itachi saw me and told me to come to him. I obeyed him without even thinking.” Sasuke let out a bitter snort. “It made sense to me that he’d have the situation under control already. That he was going to make everything better.”

_He turned slowly, face blank as a corpse. There was a splash of blood across his cheek, and his hands were dripping. He waved me over, casually like he was going to show me a magic trick or a cool bug he’d caught._

“He said ‘This was the only way. I’m sorry, Sasuke,’ and walked out. Just like that.” Repeating Itachi’s words sent a chill down his spine. He couldn’t possibly replicate the tone, flat as the mirror-blue surface of a lake on a calm day.

“What happened after that?”

Sasuke shrugged. His memory of the night got progressively foggier after Itachi left, and had blended so seamlessly with in his nightmares in the years following that he couldn’t quite differentiate between what he actually remembered, what he’d been told secondhand, and what his sub-consciousness had created.

“I think I stayed in the room. The police came pretty quick. Apparently Itachi turned himself in without bothering to change his clothes or dispose of the weapon.” The tabloids had gone nuts with that little fact. Sasuke could still see the rumpled, blood-soaked mugshot leering at him from newsstands and grocery check-out lines. His court-appointed guardian had been baffled at his refusal to enter even the tiny corner store by her house, but since he’d been quiet and compliant with all other requests (a rarity in her line of work), she didn’t question it.

_The fluorescent lights at the police station that were too bright, making the room stark and shadowless. Nowhere to hide while a clerk tried number after number, with increasing urgency. His aunt and uncle. Grandparents. Even the guy a few blocks over who went to school with Itachi and would occasionally babysit. No one answered._

_He must’ve been saving my parents for last. But what about me?_

Sasuke realized he was gripping the seat with both hands, and forced himself to sit back and relax. This was the point where the officer would nod thoughtfully, or the guidance counselor would press a hand to her breast and murmur sympathetic platitudes.

Tsunade, however, was unimpressed. “That’s a pretty good re-hashing of events. I imagine you’ve had plenty of practice rehearsing it.”

Sasuke cut his eyes sharply at her.

“What do you want me to say? That I’m some poor, innocent victim of circumstance? That my Big Bad brother fucked with my head so bad I can’t get my life together? I’m not afraid of him like he’s some kind of bogeyman hiding under the bed,” he spat.

“I want you to stop holding the situation at arm’s length, looking at it through a clinical lens like an outsider might. This happened to _you_. And it hurt _you_. And it’s up to you if you want Itachi controlling how you live the rest of your life.” She took a long drag of her cigarette. 

Sasuke glared down at the carpet. “So what’re you going to do? Fail me out of therapy?”

To his surprise, Tsunade’s lips quirked up in amusement. “Today was the first time I’ve seen you show any emotion in here. I’d call that a breakthrough.”


	7. Chapter 7

Sasuke returned to the floor just as the loudspeakers announced that dinner was served. His brain felt stuffed full of wet cotton that had subsequently been wrung out and left to dry; heavy and thick, but without much substance. The last thing he wanted to do was sit in the cafeteria and eat bland, institutional food while people bumped against his chair and held too-loud conversations. No doubt the fight he’d had would be a hot topic of conversation.

That alone was enough to make him feel sick, without the memories of the massacre clinging to the back of his throat like bile. But he had to be on his _best behavior_ now, so Sasuke forced himself through the double doors with a fierce glare at any groups whose voices suddenly dropped to a murmur.

He collected a tray from the mole-faced cafeteria lady, who served him with a grunt and a brusque wave of her ladle. Sasuke’s eyes roved the room in search of an empty table, preferably in a corner where he could pick at his food in peace. He accidentally caught Sakura’s gaze, full of hurt and reproach, before she jerked her head back down to stare at her plate. The food had been pushed around but largely uneaten. Ino leaned over to whisper something in her ear.

_I wasn’t planning on sitting with them anyways._

He settled in with his back to the two girls, taking a listless stab at the lump of gravy-covered meat on his tray. Any minute he expected Naruto to burst into the room, full of colorful insults and bravado, but he never showed. Sasuke told himself that was all for the better, but the room seemed even lonelier somehow; so he ate mechanically, without tasting, as fast as he could. 

 

* * *

 

Naruto was a blue lump under the covers that thankfully didn’t stir as Sasuke padded past to get to bed. The sun had barely set, and he knew nightmares were waiting for him if he closed his eyes, but there wasn’t really anywhere else to go if he was to avoid the maximum number of people. Sasuke stretched his legs out on top of the sheets, paged through another dog-eared paperback from the “library,” but couldn’t focus. He tried sit-ups next- at one point he’d been a varsity fencing champion before the pressure to graduate early and start taking college business classes became too much to juggle.

He was about to throw in the towel entirely and venture out into the dayroom, where he might find something heavy enough to knock himself out with, when a quavering voice called out from the other side of the room.

“M’sorry, okay?”

 “What?” Sasuke snapped. _I must be hearing things._

“I _said_ I’m sorry,” Naruto replied, a little crossly this time. The bundle shifted so that the blonde boy was facing him, his entire body covered except for a circle of his face. “I shouldn’ta bothered you when you were in a bad mood.”

Sasuke balled his fists in his sheets. He’d been expecting more jabbing insults or obnoxious baiting. Maybe even the silent treatment, but certainly not an apology.

_I was the one who started the fight in the first place._

“Dr. Jiraya’s always sayin’ that I need to pay more attention to other people’s body language n stuff cuz it’s easy to hurt someone accidentally. So I’m sorry I gave you a hard time earlier. Even if you were bein’ a jerk,” Naruto added.  

He couldn’t quite manage to say “Thank you,” but he grunted in acknowledgment and turned back to his book. Most people would take that as a sign that the conversation was over, but when Sasuke looked up a few minutes later, the boy was still fixing him with that intent blue-eyed stare. His jaw was clenched, jutting out in a mulish, stubborn way.

_That Jiraya guy’s right about him ignoring social cues. Maybe he wouldn’t be so irritating if he learned to take a hint._

“You’re not gonna request to switch rooms, are you?” For all his bravado, Naruto’s voice sounded awfully small. “Most of my other roommates did that eventually. A-and I thought we were starting to be friends. Well, before all the punching…” he trailed off.

Sasuke was torn between a vague disgust and pity.

_Is he so desperate for attention that he thinks we’ve formed some kind of bond just because we got stuck in the same room together? He’s clearly able to get people to like him, or Hinata wouldn’t hang around so much and Sakura wouldn’t try to defend him. But there is something lonely about him; his crazy schemes to rule the country, the way he gets defensive about his social skills. It’s like he’s putting on a giant happy face so that the rest of the world won’t see how sad and pathetic he is._

Sasuke thought back to Naruto’s earlier taunt about how nobody ever came to visit him and shuddered.

_I’m nothing like him! I don’t need anyone else in my life. Stopping to make friends is a distraction. Besides I’m not interested in music and TV shows like everyone else. I have a job to do._

“I’m not going to change rooms,” he heard himself saying. “Who knows who they might put me with instead? They’d probably be even worse than you, loser.”

Naruto flipped him off, but the tension eased out of his face and he sat up in bed. His hair was matted down on one side from prolonged contact with the pillow.

“I’m serious. I know I can be hard to be around. ‘Specially when I’m in here. I’m trynna get better so I _don’t_ spend so much time in the hospital but it’s hard.” His gaze was too piercing for Sasuke to meet. “You said that I was stupid for wanting to be president cuz nobody would listen to me cuz of that, but you’re wrong. That’s why I GOTTA win. So that somebody’ll speak up for people like me. Like _us_.” He corrected quietly.

Sasuke rolled onto his other side to stare out the window. He could hear Naruto’s heavy breathing, a pregnant pause as he waited for some sort of response. Eventually he gave up, as Sasuke heard the bathroom light click on, followed by the sound of running water. He felt unnerved by the conversation- the clarity of Naruto’s convictions that were so much more than just manic delusions, and the sinking feeling that this boy that he looked down on was far more passionate than he’d ever been about anything in his life: Including his single-minded focus on revitalizing the family business.

Sasuke itched to get up and do his nightly round of the ward, but he was afraid of running into Sakura again. He didn’t want to face her accusatory glare or, even worse, the way she seemed to see right through him.

_She can be worse than Tsunade._

Certainly his vulnerability was written all over his face, and the last thing he needed was for Sakura to add him to her collection of strays, as Ino had implied. Instead, he stared at the ceiling until the night nurse arrived. This time Sasuke swallowed the pills without a second thought, and let an ocean of blackness wash over him a short time later.

 

* * *

 

Sunlight streamed in through the window bars, burning red under Sasuke’s eyelids. He burrowed deeper under the blankets. If he was lucky, he could crawl back into the blackness and hide in that cool, unthinking stasis.

“Last call for breakfast. Please make your way to the cafeteria,” the loudspeaker squawked.

Sasuke cursed under his breath and pried his eyes open. His lashes were gummy with sleep, and his head pounded, but it was the first morning in a long while that he hadn’t been up to watch the sunrise, so he reluctantly counted it as a win. He dragged himself to the bathroom and immediately downed a cup of water to soothe his dry throat. His reflection squinted back sleepily from the mirror as he brushed his teeth and attempted to get his hair in some semblance of order; a task he soon abandoned. Washing his face served to clear the cobwebs from his head, the last of which Sasuke suspected would dissipate with breakfast.

_The cafeteria’s still going to suck,_ he thought with an inner groan. _Maybe Sakura ate already…_

Naruto was busy rooting around under his bed, presumably for clean clothes as he was clad only in a white t-shirt and boxers. Sasuke studiously skirted around him before the other boy could realize he was awake. He had no desire to discuss what had happened the day before, or further extend the olive branch.

_With any luck one or both of us will be gone soon._

 

* * *

 

Sasuke arrived at Tsunade’s office fifteen minutes early, with the taste of orange juice and slightly burned toast on his tongue. He’d eaten at maximum speed to avoid Naruto and Sakura. Ino had been sitting with her head propped against her hands, but she’d been too busy staring into her bowl of oatmeal to notice him. Then, with nothing else to do, he’d hurried to his morning appointment to further decrease his chances of running into anyone who might want to talk.

Tsunade answered his knock with a look of pleased bemusement.

“I hadn’t pegged you as a glutton for punishment.”

Sasuke brushed passed her and stood next to his customary chair, arms folded.

“I just want to get this over with.”

“This session or your hospitalization?” Tsunade closed the door and side-stepped around him to get to her desk.

_Both._ He shrugged.

“Did you sleep better last night?”

Nod.

“Are you and Naruto getting along better now?”

Shrug.

“Are you going to take an active role in your recovery today, or are we back to square one with you giving me fish-eyes while I talk to myself?”

Sasuke glared at her, and searched the room for some sort of ammo that would give him a psychological advantage, but there was nothing; no pictures of a husband or kids or even a pet. No sign of any hobbies, vices, or interests outside of work. He wondered if that was intentional.

“What do you want me to talk about?” He finally gritted out, stubbornly toeing a stain in the carpet.

Tsunade sighed. “Why don’t you tell me about Itachi?”

“What do you mean?” He snapped. _What’s left for me to tell after yesterday?_

“Well, you’ve told me about the massacre, but what was your family like before that?”

Sasuke’s mouth went dry. That was the part he didn’t think about. The Before times, drenched in the happy golden haze of childhood. Aside from a few key lectures from his father, he’d buried those memories along with the people who’d helped make them- the heady floral scent of his mother’s perfume as she wrapped her arms around him, the crinkle of his father’s newspaper amidst the morning bustle before school, the firm pressure of Itachi’s fingers against his forehead…

 “We were happy,” he said dully. “Picture perfect.”

“I imagine what happened must’ve been quite a shock, then.”

Sasuke closed his eyes, but as hard as he willed the memories away, they came bursting forth like water from a cracked dam.

_“Can you take me to the warehouse today?”_

_Itachi put down his pen and pretended to think real hard, rubbing his chin._

_“Hmm I don’t know, I’m pretty busy. Exams are next week, and didn’t Mom tell you to clean your room today?”_

_Sasuke grabbed his hand and twisted around in an agitated dance._

_“C’monnn pleaaaaaase? Dad keeps sayin’ he’ll take me an’ it’s this big building where we keep all the goods an’ it’s super cool but then he always gets stuck in a meeting or something and forgets. How’m I s’posed to learn how to run a company if I never see how it works?”_

_The lines around Itachi’s mouth softened._

_“Alright, but just this once. I’ve still got homework to do, and Mom’s already started dinner cooking.”_

_“You’re the best!”_

“Itachi was-” The gorge rose in his throat.

_His father’s strong hands clapped him on the back._

_“Keep studying hard and you’ll be just like your brother.”_

_Blood-drenched moonlight, a silvery knife in hand, empty eyes._

“Everyone thought he was perfect but in reality he was just some psycho. He betrayed me! He betrayed my whole family…” Sasuke clasped his hands around he elbows to stop his arms from shaking.

“He did, didn’t he?” Tsunade murmured in a much gentler tone. The lines across her brow softening, not with pity but with understanding.

The air in the room had become oddly thin, leaving him gasping like a drowning man. Sasuke pinched the bridge of his nose to focus and stabilize himself.

“It doesn’t matter who he was anymore, does it? He’ll be dead in…” _What’s the date today?_

“It seems like it matters to you,” Tsunade suggested mildly. “He’s being punished, but that won’t fix what he’s already broken or replace the trust you put in him.”

“He wanted to meet with me,” Sasuke blurted out. “He sent a letter from prison. I didn’t read all of it.” _Shouldn’t have read ANY of it. Should’ve shoved it straight down the garbage disposal or just sent it back unopened._

“Was that the night you overdosed?”

“Yes,” he admitted grudgingly, without looking up.

“I see.” Tsunade clapped her hands together, then cracked her knuckles. “Correct me if I’m wrong, but it seems like Itachi has quite a bit of influence over you. You’ve tried so hard to erase his existence and the effect it had on you that the very thought of him coming back into your life, even for just a day, caused you to have a breakdown.” She rummaged around in one of her desk drawers and finally procured a wrinkled envelope. Sasuke’s heart froze when he saw Itachi’s careful script.

“The paramedics found this clutched in your hand. I haven’t opened it. It’s up to you whether you want to or not.” She placed the envelope gingerly in front of him.

Sasuke shifted back in his chair, as if the innocuous piece of paper was hiding a set of poisonous fangs and was likely to leap up and bite a chunk out of his nose at any moment. 

_Get rid of it. The last thing you need is another reminder of your own weakness._

His fingers stretched out across a gap that felt more like a gulf with himself on one side and Itachi’s leering ghost on the other.  He could feel Hizashi’s breath on the back of his neck, the board of trustees looking on with anticipation.

_Put this all behind you._

Tsunade’s face was as impassive as if she were carved from stone.

_But what if she’s right? Maybe if I saw him one last time…_

He snatched the letter off the table and shoved it in his pocket just as the buzzer went off, signaling the end of their session.

“Hey don’t forget about your journal!” Tsunade chided. “I’ll let it slide this time, but tomorrow-” he let the door click shut behind him.

 

* * *

 

Sasuke walked back to the floor with Itachi’s handwriting burning a hole in his shorts. He was so preoccupied that he completely missed a certain pink-haired someone until she grabbed his arm and wrenched him around to face her.

“Who do you think you are, Schrodinger’s patient?” Sakura hissed. “It’s like you only exist when I’m not looking for you. Which I guess would be the opposite of…” She trailed off when she noticed Sasuke’s raised eyebrow.

“What do you want?”

Sakura blushed and twisted a lock of hair viciously around her finger, suddenly flustered.

“I’m um, getting discharged tomorrow,” she mumbled.

“Good for you.” Sasuke said flatly as he pulled his elbow out of her grasp. He’d only taken a single step when her voice, shrill with stress, stopped him.

“I’m not finished! I-I wanted to leave you my number. So we could keep in touch once you get out? I just thought… since you didn’t really have anyone… I really enjoyed our midnight walks,” she finished lamely.

_“You’ll break her heart once she realizes you’re too selfish to let her in.”_ Ino’s voice rang in his ears. _She’s right. What could I possibly offer? She’ll want me to open up, to make progress, to trust her. Instead she’ll get a few awkward phone calls and we’ll never see each other again. She’d be left to wonder and worry._ He picture Sakura diligently checking her messages for weeks, maybe even months after; her excitement gradually fading to concern and finally hopelessness.

“You said you have family and friends waiting for you at home, right?”

She nodded, uncertain.

“Then go back to that!” He snapped. “Live your happy, normal life and forget about me. There’s nothing I can do for you.”

The pink-haired girl bit her lip, and for a second Sasuke thought she was going to cry but instead she chuckled humorlessly and gave him a sad smile. “If I had a happy, normal life, I wouldn’t be here in the first place, would I?”

He didn’t know what to say to that.

“You’re right, I do have a loving family, and friends that I can confide in but…” Sakura’s face crumpled, “That’s part of the problem! I don’t want to bother them with my silly little issues, so I have to pretend that everything’s fine because that’s what’s expected of me.” She scrubbed at her eyes. “You listen to me without judging. Or maybe not. Maybe you really don’t care and I’ve been wrong all along, but I think you’re a better person than you’d like to admit.”

Sakura took a deep breath and glared down at her feet with eyes that were beginning to redden.

“Here.”

She thrust a piece of paper at him. It fluttered harmlessly to the floor like a leaf falling from a tree.

“In case you change your mind. I’m gonna miss you,” she choked out. And then she was gone, fleeing down the hallway.

Sasuke reached down and picked up the scrap. The page was lined, likely torn from therapy journal, with swoopy numbers written in green gel pen. “Sakura Haruno” was printed neatly at the top.

_Good going, you made her cry. Again. She was only trying to be nice._

 He scowled and stuffed it in the pocket opposite Itachi’s letter to assuage the sudden guilt he felt.

_I tried to warn her._

But Tsunade’s words about trust and betrayal dogged him all the way back to his room. As much as he hated to admit it, Itachi had been more than merely family; a brother, mentor, and best friend all rolled into one. He hadn’t had anyone fill a single one of those roles since the night Itachi revealed himself and sent the whole world crashing down around his ears. Now he had Sakura and Naruto- two people who were trying to get close to him, but who he shut out at every possible opportunity.

_How could he pretend he loved us for so many years? Why?_

Sasuke clenched his fists in his pockets next to where the letters sat, weighing him down like stones.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *sweats nervously* I worked really, really hard to try and capture Team Seven's various canon mental states and relationships and integrate them smoothly into this AU setting. Like it ? Hate it? Let me know! And thanks for reading :D


	8. Chapter 8

A loud crash startled him out of a shallow, restless sleep. Sasuke squinted at the clock in the weak light coming in through the window. 5:47 AM. Another thud and a muffled curse came from the other side of the room.

_What the hell?_

Naruto was kneeling next to a crate that had tipped over and spilled its contents all over the floor. He was shifting through the pile, which made a light metallic clacking sound, occasionally holding a piece up the light.

“What the fuck are you doing?” Sasuke hissed.

He flinched at the sound of his voice, managing to knock into the box again and make even more noise.

“Sorry,” Naruto said in an exaggerated whisper that really wasn’t much quieter than his normal speaking voice. “Sakura’s leaving so I gotta make her a present!”

“Now? It’s not even six yet.”

His lower lip protruded in a pout. “I didn’t wanna forget. It’s none of your business anyway. Go back to sleep.”

Sasuke rolled his eyes. “Fat chance. You might as well be training a herd of elephants in here. What are you getting her anyway?” He asked in spite of himself.

Naruto grinned conspiratorially. His eyes shone in the dimness. “A necklace! I don’t have beads or anything like that, but I’ve been collecting bottle caps and those little pull tabs you get on pop cans-”

“Why? Do you know her from back home or something? Has she been here before?” _Why do you care so much?_

The blond boy shrugged, fishing around the mess until he found a length of yarn filched from the arts and crafts closet. “We both got admitted on the same day. If you think I’m wild now, you shoulda seen me then. I barely knew who I was, kept yellin’ about random things. Most people avoided me like the plague. Even the nurses,” He added soberly, and a chill ran down Sasuke’s spine.

“But anyhow, she still tried to talk to me and calm me down.” Naruto gave a rueful laugh. “It didn’t really work, but it still mattered. She was scared and lonely herself too, so I wanna do this to thank her.” He spread his hands wide. “Wanna help? There’s a buncha different colors so I’m trying to find ones that match or whatever. And if you can’t sleep in the first place, why not?”

_I’m different from the two of them. I’ve been living for myself all this time…._

“No,” Sasuke grunted and rolled over onto his side. He resisted the urge to pull the pillow over his head like a child, choosing instead to squeeze his eyes shut and lie rigidly still until Naruto lost interest and turned back to his project.

Instead, he felt a sharp poke right between his shoulder blades.

“Why not?”

“Because you’re obnoxious, dumbass.”

Naruto jabbed harder. “And you’re a dick. But that doesn’t mean we can’t work together to do something nice for Sakura! I know you guys were close- don’t bother lying. I know cuz Ino was really jealous.”

Sasuke sighed heavily. “If I do this, will you leave me alone?”

The pressure one his back lessened, which he took for a yes. He rolled over with a grunt, only to come face-to-face with Naruto’s toothy grin.

“Alright! That’s the spirit.”

_Reluctance?_

But Sasuke held his tongue and slouched over to the other side of the room.  Somehow Naruto managed to sit still as they sorted through the bottlecaps, poking holes in likely candidates with a smuggled pen. They worked companionably until the sun crept over the horizon.

 

* * *

 

“What do you MEAN you’re staying here?” Naruto gawped, mouth open like a fish. “That’s bullshit! You had a hand in this, same as me. You have to be there too. Don’t you wanna see the look on her face?” The finished necklace dangled from a clenched fist.

“I don’t have to explain myself to you.” Sasuke flicked his gaze back to the book he was pretending to read and pointedly turned the page, as if recounting Jack Turner’s adventures was so fascinating he simply couldn’t be torn away. Not even to say goodbye to Sakura.

Naruto continued to protest furiously, but the more he pushed and cajoled, the deeper Sasuke dug his heels in. He eventually gave up and went to deliver the gift alone, but not after a final hard stare, which Sasuke returned with what he hoped was an equally steely gaze.

As soon as his roommate was gone, the book hit the wall; splaying the pages out in all directions before falling in an untidy heap at the foot of his bed.

_It’s better this way, not to get too attached…_ Sasuke reminded himself as he fingered the little slip of paper with Sakura’s phone number on it and considered taping it in his journal for safekeeping.

_No, that’s a stupid idea. When would I ever use it? Plus Tsunade’d probably get the wrong idea._

A laugh sounded from the dayroom- high, shrill, and probably Ino. He wondered how she felt about her best friend getting a clean bill of health, walking free while she stayed under the nurses’ watchful eyes. He tilted his head to try and catch what was being said amongst all the bustle and flurry he assumed was associated with the discharge. He imagined Naruto proudly holding out the necklace, with that big stupid grin on his face, and Sakura blushing the same color as her hair and putting it around her neck, even though it was odd, lumpy, and didn’t match her outfit.

_I can’t be like them. Not after Itachi._

Suddenly he felt polluted. As if the blood from that night had oozed under his fingernails and would never come out. That he’d mar everything he touched with Itachi’s awful legacy. He pictured Sakura with black, sticky tar running down her collarbones, and an unnatural stain blooming bruise-like across Naruto’s cheek where he’d fist punched him.

_I can’t ever be normal._   

Sasuke huffed through his nose and slipped out of the room, heading down the hall away from the celebration. His skin itched with a restlessness he couldn’t name, that if he didn’t keep moving forward he’d get swallowed up in the black.

Sakura’s note stayed curled next to Itachi’s letter in the cubby with his shoes.

 

* * *

 

The art room was locked when he arrived, but Naruto’s idle prattling the night before hadn’t all been useless; the boy had been in and out of the facility so many times he knew all the building’s little quirks. Like how you could jimmy the art room door open if you twisted the handle just the right way.

Sasuke closed his eyes in concentration and was eventually rewarded with a faint _click_ as the door swung inwards. Finally, somewhere he could be alone.

_Even if it does smell like paint._

With the lights off, the room took on a sinister air with paper-mache heads and lumpy sculptures peeping from dark corners. The only window was partially covered by a large, locked supply cabinet and the light coming from it cast strange, twisted shadows on the floor. Sasuke stopped in front of an unfinished canvas upon which someone had painted a man bound and gagged by writhing snakes. He suppressed a shudder.

_Now what?_

He hadn’t thought that far ahead. Some small part of him had expected Naruto to come back and drag him by the ankles, or Sakura to appear suddenly around a corner, but they’d let him go.

_I let THEM go,_ he corrected mentally. _They’d get in the way._   

Against his better judgement, Sasuke wound his way past a few untidy, paint-splattered tables until he could stand on tip-toe and peer out the window. The cabinet and bars obscured most of his view, but a shock of pink hair was disappearing into a car. She hesitated and glanced back up at the building. For a heart-stopping moment Sasuke thought she could see him, but then she turned back with a small, sad shrug.   

_And what exactly would they get in the way of? Your own self-pity?_

Maybe he could run. Past the startled nurses, through the locked double doors, down the stairs and out the front door just as Sakura was about to pull away. She’d grab her father’s shoulder, call out for him to stop as he mother turned to look at her in confusion. She’d hop out and Sasuke could wrap her in his arms and tell her how sorry he was…

Sasuke slumped down in the gloom. It was too late. She was gone.

 

* * *

 

The days began to pass with an excruciating monotony that made Sasuke want to put his head through a wall. With the exceptions of therapy sessions and scheduled mealtimes, there was nothing to do except sit around and alternate between ignoring Itachi’s letter and ignoring Naruto. He wrote inane comments in his journal that caused Tsunade to roll her eyes, but she never pressed the issue. Sasuke listened to what she had to say, and nodded his head when it felt appropriate, but he didn’t offer up any more information unless prodded to do so.

His roommate had been surprisingly subdued since Sakura left, and their interactions had dwindled to the occasional snide comment or argument about clothes left on the floor or who was taking too much time in the bathroom. Sasuke supposed he should be grateful for the peace and quiet, but he was starting to miss the annoying chatter, if only for the distraction it provided.

Ino tried to corner him a few times with a saccharine smile, but he knew all she wanted to say was a big, fat, “I told you so,” so he avoided her too.

When Naruto announced that his meds had been sufficiently recalibrated and he was getting discharged, that was the last straw. Sasuke marched down to Tsunade’s office and pounded on the door with both fists.

“What do I need to do to get out of here?” He demanded as soon as it swung open. The shrink’s eyebrows climbed toward her hairline, but she finally ushered him in.

“Is this about Naruto?”

Sasuke snorted, neither yes nor no, and paced a few steps with his hands behind his back, ignoring his customary chair.   

“I was just wondering how long you were planning to keep me here. Or rather,” an idea sprang up and he clung to it fiercely, “how long you _can_ keep me here. I was involuntarily admitted. You can’t force me to stay unless you think I’m a danger to myself or others.”

Tsunade sighed so forcefully, it sounded more like an exasperated gasp. “That’s true-”

“I told you I wasn’t suicidal.”

She squinted at him as she crossed the room to her desk, sitting down and motioning for him to do the same. Sasuke folded his arms and remained standing.

“Where do you plan on going after your discharged, back to your apartment I assume?”

“Yeah. So?”

“All by yourself.” It was a statement, not a question.

Sasuke didn’t even bother to answer that one. It was pretty obvious.

“That’s what I thought. And honestly, that’s what I’m concerned about.” Tsunade picked up a stack of papers and began shuffling through them in a businesslike manner. “You have no support system; no one to turn to if you decide to start drinking again, no one to stop you if you decide to hurt yourself. Hell, from what the nurses tell me you don’t even reach out to the other patients here. You never want to participate in unit activities…”

_That’s because they’re stupid. I don’t want to make paper chains, or collages, or play BINGO._ But Sasuke held his tongue and gathered his wits about him. This wasn’t the time to be flippant, or do anything that might get him on Tsunade’s bad side for that matter. There was promise in her words.

“So you’re saying that you’d consider discharging me if I wasn’t going live alone?”

She chewed her lower lip. “If you consented to outpatient therapy, yes, I’d think about it.”

“Deal.”

A slow grin spread across Tsunade’s face. A gleam of triumph in her eye replaced the earlier ambivalence. _Was she faking?_

“It just so happens I know a man who runs a halfway house for troubled youth; runanways, homeless kids, etc. We’ve worked together in the past for situations like yours- what did you think you were special?” She asked as Sasuke bristled. “His name’s Iruka. Nice guy.”

_Why does that sound familiar?_

“Anyway, he’s coming to pick up another patient in two days. If I pester the social worker enough, we could have you out by then.

“What’s the catch?” Alarm bells were ringing in his head. _This is too easy._

Tsunade was biting back a smile, which made Sasuke’s stomach drop to his toes. “Aside from mandatory check-ins with me, and a strict no drugs or alcohol policy? Nothing. Except… How do you feel about staying with Naruto a little bit longer?”

 

* * *

 

_This doesn’t exactly feel like the moment of triumph it’s supposed to_ , Sasuke thought as he shifted the meager bag filled with his possessions from hand to hand. The admissions office was just as it had been when he’d arrived; drab and ugly, with the cramped waiting room in which he was currently standing. Only this time he was getting out.

Naruto fidgeted in chair the next to him, freshly showered for once. Although he didn’t dare show it on the outside, Sasuke shared the boy’s impatience.

_How long does it take to sign a handful of discharge papers? Sheesh._

He’d already been over the terms of his release with Tsunade, after all. And he assumed she’d talked to Iruka about it, judging from the mercifully brief conversation he’d had with the social worker concerning his relocation. Outpatient sessions with her three times a week to start, with plans to decrease the frequency depending on his progress, and apparently he wanted Sasuke to take part in the group therapy sessions he led at the halfway house as well. Tsunade, Naruto, and the social worker all seemed convinced that Iruka was some sort of saint among men, which made Sasuke trust him even less.   

Still, it was better than staying in the hospital. He sighed and watched with mild interest as Naruto pulled a rubber band from one of his expansive pockets and wound it carefully around his index finger and thumb. He aimed his loaded weapon at the unsuspecting secretary, bent low over her desk.

“Hey guys, ready to go?” A brown head poked around the corner, causing Naruto to yelp and shoot the rubber band down at his own foot.

“Uh you bet Iruka! We’ve been really good this whole time.”

_Moron._

Sasuke took a closer look at his new captor; medium height, broad, honest face with a startling slash running across his nose, a faded grey t-shirt and holes in his jeans. The very picture of a bleeding heart.

The man rolled his eyes, but smiled at Naruto. “I’m sure. And I bet you did the homework I sent over with Hinata, too. Nice to meet you, by the way.” He extended a hand to Sasuke, who grudgingly took it by the tips of his fingers. Iruka’s grip was surprisingly strong.

Naruto was buzzing around like a bee, asking a hundred questions about life back ‘home”, then interrupting himself to tell stories about his stay, none of which Sasuke remembered actually happening. Iruka seemed to take it all in stride, answering when he could and nodding politely as he scooped up their bags and headed out to the same brown Volkswagen he’d seen Hinata leaving in. Naruto chased after him like a puppy.

Sasuke paused on the threshold of the hospital. Sakura and Itachi’s letters were buried somewhere in the depths of his duffel. Freedom, he supposed, was relative. He took a step out into air that held a bite of autumn and smelled like grass. He didn’t look back. 


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ft. Den Mother Iruka and awkward bonding

The halfway house was a squat, two-story brick building on a wide street lined with oak trees. Most of the block was taken up by a rather sad and dusty-looking park that contained a pair of swings, an aluminum slide, monkey bars, and a baseball diamond. A faded sign with a smiling rubber duck on the lawn across the street proclaimed “Mrs. Morton’s Daycare.” The rest of the neighborhood seemed quiet, if not a little dingy and grey.

Sasuke could already feel a deathly boredom creeping over him. No bars, no bustle, nowhere to go. The feeling intensified as Iruka held open the front door to reveal a living room carpeted in a fuzzy beige that had seen many shoes. There was an ancient, antenna-style TV and an eclectic assortment of furniture from several different decades, most likely donated out of someone’s attic.

“N-Naruto? Is that you?” Hinata’s head poked down from the staircase on the left. Her pale eyes lit up when she saw them and she raised her hand in a tentative wave.

“Heyyyy there’s my girl!” Naruto tossed his bags on the ground and ran halfway up to meet her, squeezing her in a headlock that looked more like sibling rivalry than reuniting lovers and Sasuke was once again left to ponder how dim this kid really was.

“Hi, Sasuke,” She mumbled around Naruto’s arm. “I umm, hope you like it here. It’s very nice.”

He cast his eyes about the place, taking in the shabbiness. _Where the hell did you live before?_

Iruka nudged him towards the stairwell. “Your room’s on the second floor, first door on the right. I’m sure Naruto and Hinata would be happy to give you a tour of the place- _isn’t that right you two?_ ” He said over Naruto’s squawk of protest.

He shrugged affably as he turned to Sasuke. “Make yourself at home. Dinner should be ready in an hour or so. I’ll give you the ground rules after we’ve all eaten and gotten settled so you don’t get information overload. Come find me if you have any questions, or ask any of the kids here. Most of ‘em have been here a while.” With that, he disappeared into what was likely the kitchen, judging from the glimpse of white tile Sasuke could see where he stood.

_How many more people live here?_

Grudgingly, Sasuke hoisted his bag over his shoulder and trailed the other two up the stairs. The second floor was a narrow hallway with rooms branching off on either side and a bathroom at either end, not entirely unlike the hospital. In fact, despite the cheery hand-drawn pictures on the walls, some yellowing with age, and the bright yellow paint that Sasuke found frankly nauseating, the whole building had an institutional vibe that all the homey decorations in the world couldn’t quite cover up.

“This place used to be a school a long time ago,” Hinata offered, confirming his suspicions. “It was abandoned for a while but then I-Iruka c-c-came and fixed it.”

“Yeah, yeah BORING,” Naruto rolled his eyes. “Whatddya wanna do first?”

“There’s stuff to do here?” Sasuke asked scathingly, throwing open the door to his room. It was cramped and had the slightly mildew-y smell of a place in which many people have lived, but none have really stayed. At least it was clean and he didn’t have to share.

  Naruto smirked. “Of course. If you know who to ask. Like me, for instance.”

_I guess he’s still immune to sarcasm._

Hinata was tugging on the hem of Naruto’s shirt. “M-maybe we should go. Let him, um, put all his stuff away?”

The blond boy grabbed Sasuke’s wrist and dragged him halfway down the hall before he had the chance to protest. “Tour first!”

 Hinata watched them go with a faint, bemused smile on her face.

 

* * *

 

The “tour” ended a few minutes after it began with a scuffle that left Sasuke with an angry red brush burn on his wrist and Naruto with a lump the size of a quarter on his temple from where Sasuke had shoved his head into the wall.

“This is pointless. All the doors look the same,” Sasuke groused. “Stop wasting my time.”

“Whatever, asshole. Just don’t come cryin’ to me if you get lost looking for the bathroom,” Naruto huffed, nursing his head.

“It’s a straight line for crying out loud! I’m not a moron like you.”

The blond boy stuck his tongue out.

“Real mature. I’m going back to my room.”

“Me too! My own room. That I don’t have to share with dickwads like you.”

“Good.”

“Fine!”

Sasuke stomped back to his room and closed the door behind him a bit more forcefully than necessary. A few seconds later, he heard Naruto’s slam shut as well.   

_Off to a winning start already._

It took him all of five minutes to arrange his meager belongings in the closet, and he made a mental note to ask Iruka if he could swing by the apartment later to collect the rest of his things.

_Hopefully I won’t be staying here too long either. Once I prove to Tsunade that I can handle my own shit, she’ll have to let me go. I should probably call Hizashi too…_ He frowned with distaste at the thought of the man with his bony fingers and pointed smile. _I bet he’s itching to find a way to discredit me so he can officially take control of the company._

 A knock outside interrupted his musings.

_Naruto again?_

All of Sasuke’s carefully prepared insults died on his tongue when he saw Hinata standing in the hallway, lacing and unlacing her fingers.

“Um, what do you want?” he asked, hoping he didn’t sound too rude. The girl was as timid as a deer- he was afraid she’d bold if he looked at her the wrong way.

Hinata swallowed nervously. “M-may I c-come in?”

He motioned for her to sit on his bed, but she hovered by the window instead.

“Do you and Naruto always fight like that?” She was looking out at the park rather than at him, her voice barely above a whisper.

Sasuke sighed. “Look, we butt heads a lot is all. I don’t seriously hate him or anything but he’s a pain, no offense.”

Hinata squirmed in her seat like she had bugs crawling under her clothing then stilled, collecting herself. Sasuke could almost see her undoing the locks she’d placed carefully about her lips.

“My family…” Hinata winced, “is very unhappy. They’re also very wealthy so we always had to keep up appearances that everything was fine. But that’s all it was- an illusion for my father’s competitors, the neighbors. I’ve only been hugged for photographs.” Her silvery eyes clouded over with distress.

_Why is she telling me this?_

“I-I couldn’t take it anymore! So I r-ran away and wound up here. With Naruto.” Her hands relaxed at her sides and a smile tugged at the corners of her mouth. “He’s loud and obnoxious, but he always stands up for himself. H-he does what he thinks is right and he won’t let anyone get in the way. I-I admire that about him.” She blushed furiously. “Sometimes I wonder if he ever really _notices_ me but- ah! Ummm, I just... Please try and understand each other?”

“Uh, sure.” Sasuke wasn’t sure how to respond to that, but he also wanted her to leave.

Hinata gave a curt nod, performed an abrupt about-face, and walked stiffly out to the hall.   

_Well that was weird. Maybe those two oddballs are meant for each other after all._

Sasuke laid back on his bed, feeling rusting springs creak underneath him. He couldn’t help but feel sorry for the shy ghost of a girl. He imagined chasing after Naruto was like chaining yourself to a comet streaking across the sky at a million miles per hour.

_It sounds like she grew up with a family like mine; wealthy, envied, perfect on the outside. Only her whole family was rotten to the core, whereas with mine it was just Itachi who managed to ruin everything._

Sasuke found himself rubbing subconsciously at his forehead as he started to doze off, dreaming of the life he could have had.

 

* * *

 

Life at the halfway house quickly became a blur of faces moving in and out. Kids whose names Sasuke didn’t know and didn’t care to find out. Mostly he kept to his room, the space around his bed piled high with textbooks. His studies provided a much-needed distraction that had been absent in the hospital as he was now free to lose himself in dry analysis of different business models and economic theories.

Sasuke kept his head down amidst the chaos that occasionally ripped through the building like a hurricane. Nighttime screaming, the occasional drugs bust with stern-faced police officers and Iruka protesting loudly in the background. Whatever Sasuke might have thought of the man before, he certainly placed a lot of trust in the residents. A trust he supposed was not misplaced since the building was still standing.

That being said, Iruka looked at him queerly when he inquired about bus fare and the location of the stops.

“Is there something you need? Put it on the grocery list and I can get it next time I go out,” he huffed as he dusted floury hands off on a kitchen towel. Sasuke had hoped that catching him while he was busy in the kitchen would let his request slip by under the radar.

“I have a meeting with Hizashi tomorrow afternoon. I know where to go, just need a way to get there.”

Iruka hummed thoughtfully. “You’ve only been here a few days and even though you haven’t caused any trouble, I’m worried that you might try and make a break for it, you know? From what Tsunade said, you sounded like a bit of a flight risk.”

Sasuke scoffed. The man was far overestimating any sentimentality he might have for his old apartment. It was no more of a home for him that the halfway house.

“I need to let my associates know that everything’s alright. This isn’t a childish game. I’m learning to run a business that I’m due to inherit on my next birthday,” he sneered with what he hoped was just the right amount of condescension.

Iruka hemmed and hawed a bit longer but Sasuke persisted, and the next day he was standing outside of the gleaming Uchiha Shipping Enterprises building in a freshly pressed suit.


	10. Chapter 10

As soon as he stepped through the doors, Sasuke was enveloped in the chill, sterile environment of a multi-million dollar company. The pale grey marble floors were buffed to a high sheen in contrast to the rich, dark paneling on the walls and intricate sconces. It was a tasteful blend of both modern and traditional, though Sasuke made a note to himself to display the Uchiha crest more prominently above the entrance.

A sleek elevator took him all the way to the top floor, where he was ushered in with a polite nod by Hizashi’s secretary. Sasuke had only been inside his office once or twice before, as company meetings were usually held in the large conference room on the floor below, and was struck once again at its opulence. To the casual observer the space might appear rather minimalist or even simplistic, but then again no layperson would ever set foot in such a room.

The furniture was all one-of-a-kind from some of the world’s finest designers. Unlike the entrance, Hizashi’s office was sleek, black and modern, with lots of leather and gold accents to give the place a touch of refined masculinity. The pseudo-tribal art on the walls and the conspicuous sports car magazines were in poor taste, in Sasuke’s opinion. They were too personal, as if Hizashi was getting comfortable in his ultimately transient position.

_One day soon this’ll all be mine to do with as I please,_ he reminded himself.

Hizashi glanced up from a thick ledger with a humorless smile.

“Ahh Sasuke. Glad to see you’re out and about. Are you here to look over last quarter’s results? I can assure you, everything is running quite smoothly in your absence.”

“Another time.” Sasuke waved a hand dismissively. “I came here to talk about transitioning the company over to my control once I come of age.”

Hizashi’s smile shrank a few molars. He snapped the book shut and deliberately set his pen on top. “I’m not sure if that’s the best idea right now.”

“Why not?” He let a hint of steel creep into his voice.

The Board leader sighed. “I suppose since your… indisposition you’ve been unable to keep up with the news.” He pressed a button on his desk and flatscreen TV slid into place on the wall behind Sasuke. “As we feared, the media’s gotten wind of Itachi’s execution and chosen to exploit it for their own profit."

Channels flicked by until he found a news station proudly announcing “Live Coverage of the Uchiha Massacre.”  Sasuke flinched but refused to look away.

_Never show your weaknesses, especially to your subordinates. Besides, I can handle it._

A long shot of Konoha Correctional Facility, barbed wire fence and all, while a voiceover from a newscaster explained that the infamous Itachi Uchiha had been living there behind bars for the past ten years “awaiting justice”. A shot of a small knot of people carrying signs to protest capital punishment, a prosecutor angrily waving away questions about “cruel and unusual punishment” with a growled “no comment,” even a grainy photo from the night of Itachi’s arrest. His brother stared out from the screen with dead eyes and a smear of blood across one cheek.

Internally, Sasuke breathed a sigh of relief. These questions had all been posed and answered during the trial. The media had nothing new to go on. Itachi had been shockingly close-mouthed to the press, leaving them to speculate endlessly on his motives, but at the end of the day it was the same tired song and dance that the public had heard before. And would likely continue to hear as long as capital punishment remained legal.

He was about to smirk and tell Hizashi that the Board was being overcautious, but then the camera switched back to the newscaster. She was standing on the network set, an excited gleam in her eye.

“We are here today with an exclusive, Channel Two exclusive interview with Itachi himself. He is finally breaking his ten year vow of silence. To find out why, Ben Goulding will take you live inside the prison, and hopefully, inside the mind of one of Konoha’s most mysterious and baffling killers.”

There he was sitting across from a greying man in a tweed suit-jacket. He was thinner than Sasuke remembered; small hollows carved out beneath his cheekbones, skin an ugly sallow color of someone who doesn’t often see the sun.

The reporter asked a question, but Sasuke didn’t register it. Like a magnet, he was drawn to Itachi’s spindly fingers clasped in front of him. A gesture he recognized as one of his own.

Hizashi watched on dispassionately.

“You’ve been denying us access to interviews for years,” the reporter was saying. “What’s changed?”

Itachi cleared his throat delicately. When he spoke, his voice was paper-thin, barely above a whisper.

“I honestly have no intention of baring my soul to the press. As my death grows nearer, I have even less desire to share with such bloodthirsty creatures,” he glanced sidelong at Mr. Goulding, who stopped his indignant outburst mid-sputter.

“However,” Itachi turned the full force of his gaze to the camera. His eyes burned hungrily with an inner fire, and for an awful moment, Sasuke was convinced he could see straight through the TV.

“I’m hoping I can use this as an opportunity to reach out to someone. My little brother. I want to see him one last time before I die. To make amends.”

Hizashi clicked the TV off. His lips moved, but all Sasuke could hear was a dull roar that was building in his chest.

_The letter. He still wants to…_

“I have to go,” he managed to grit out around the air filling the space between his ears with white noise. Sasuke managed to get inside the elevator before his knees buckled and he sank to the floor.

_He won’t stop._

He slammed the palm of his hand uselessly against a wall shiny enough that he could make out his blurred reflection, wide-eyed and shaky. His thoughts scrambled for purchase. Anything that could help him rationalize, plan, or at the very least forget.

By the time the elevator reached the ground floor, Sasuke had collected himself to a reasonable degree. His back was too stiff, his pupils too large, but he could pass for a functioning member of society. He blinked fiercely as he stepped out into the sun. There was a bar a few blocks over that father used to frequent when he had important clients. Surely Iruka wouldn’t miss him for another hour or two…   

 

* * *

 

Rows of orderly glass bottles greeted Sasuke like long-lost friends as he sank onto a stool at the counter. The bartender glanced at the clock with a skeptical eye.

“It’s five o’clock somewhere,” Sasuke grunted, pulling a twenty out of his wallet. “Crown Royal. Double. On the rocks.”  He could practically hear Tsunade cursing him in the back of his mind, but there was nothing she could do about it. All the relaxation techniques and meditation in the world couldn’t fix the shit he’d been through today.

_I’m not under anyone’s control anymore,_ he thought with a small measure of satisfaction.

The bartender whistled as he set the drink down before him. “Damn, kid. You lose your job or somethin’?”

“Yeah.”

“You wouldn’t be the first. Get a lot of you hot-shot Wall Street types in here when the chips are down.”

Sasuke swirled the ice in his glass. He had wanted to savor this moment, but every nerve in his body was screaming at him to drink. Everything was perfect; the way the cubes clinked together, the amber shade of the liquor, the tangy scent…

_I missed this._

He downed the drink in two long swallows and tapped the side of his glass for a re-fill.

 

* * *

 

Shadows were beginning to creep across the lawn by the time Sasuke disembarked the bus and began to make his way down the block to the halfway house. What had once been a pleasant swaying feeling, like his head was light as a balloon on his shoulders, had devolved into a sickly spinning that had him scrutinizing the sidewalk with every step so he wouldn’t stumble.

The booze had numbed his senses enough to create a protective barrier between him and reality. Enough to fuzz the sharp edges of his consciousness that threatened to shred him from the inside, but not enough to forget. 

_S’not fair. I don’t wanna be ‘fraid anymore._

Sasuke turned the knob and forced his way in with some difficulty. The worry that Iruka might find him in such a state and kick him out was a distant problem compared to the specter of Itachi that loomed over his shoulder. Fortunately, the group crowded around the TV paid him no mind as he slipped upstairs with as much stealth as he could manage.

Once the door to his room clicked shut behind him, Sasuke pressed his back against the wall and used that to guide his way into a sitting position on the floor. He tilted his head back and let the full extent of his drunkenness wash over him in a sticky wave.

_One step forward, two steps back…_

His throat itched for more alcohol; a few more shots and he could tip forward into oblivion. As it was, he was trapped between clear-eyed sobriety and utter annihilation, a place that magnified his loneliness with myopic distortion.

_Why am I even bothering? I’ll never be as good, never bring back the happiness I lost. That he stole._

Itachi’s letter poked out from underneath his dresser. He still hadn’t managed to throw it away, so he settled for letting it slip into a crack where it would gather dust and become a relic of the past. In theory.

Sasuke kneeled to reach for it now, but his hand brushed against another piece of paper stuck to the first.

_Sakura…_

He took out his phone, fingers stuttering uncertainly over the keys before he finally threw the damn thing at the wall in frustration. His aim was poor and he overestimated the strength of his toss, so it wound up bouncing off his bed and falling back at his feet with an unsatisfying _thunk._     

_Fuck it._

Sasuke punched in the number, paused a moment, then typed “Hey.” The phone remained silent for several long minutes before he gave up and dragged himself into bed and pulled the covers up over his head. The warm, encompassing darkness felt like a cocoon.

_Figures she doesn’t wanna heard from me again. Can’t blame her. Probably best._

Sakura didn’t respond for another half hour, but by that time Sasuke was too busy trying to vomit into the wastebasket as quietly as possible to notice.

 

* * *

 

“How’d the meeting with the Board go?” Iruka asked the next morning as Sasuke straggled into the kitchen.

_Oh I dunno, probably as well as a get together of bank owners after the stock market crashed._

The boy answered with a grunt as he slid into his seat and began poking listlessly at the eggs that Iruka set in front of him. Dark circles bloomed under his eyes and the corners of his mouth were etched in a frown.

“Looks like you had a rough night. Do you want to talk about it?”

“No,” Sasuke snapped, looking up from his plate. He winced as the motion sent a stab of pain shooting up the back of his skull. “I’m fine,” he added testily.

_I hope he can’t smell anything on my breath. I brushed my teeth four times just to be sure, but still… Is he suspicious that I didn’t show for dinner last night? Even if I did get kicked out of the halfway house, would it REALLY be that bad? Tsunade can’t force me back into the hospital again without any proof that I’m going to hurt myself or someone else._

Iruka sighed. “Well you know I’m always around if you need help with anything. I know Tsunade wants you to work on reaching out when you-”

“Thanks.” He pushed aside his untouched plate and stood. His tongue still felt like he’d licked a porcupine. “Is there anything else you want from me, or am I free to go?”

Iruka waved him away with one hand and massaged his temples with the other. “This isn’t an interrogation. I just wanted to check in on you. I’m a little concerned about how you’re adjusting here.”

Sasuke’s only response was a slow eye-roll on his way out the door.  His hand subconsciously traced the outline of his phone in his pocket, Saukra’s text digging under his skin like a burr.

_Who is this?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I totally forgot Hizashi was Neji's dad's name! That character wasn't intended to be a reference to him, though in retrospect it would've been a cool element to add *sigh* 
> 
> Thank you all for reading and commenting. I really enjoy reading each and every one! And lemme tell you, things are about to get heated...


	11. Chapter 11

_Thank God I never gave her my number,_ Sasuke thought as he stared up at a crack that snaked its way across his bedroom ceiling. The familiar ache in his head and sour sloshing in his stomach had settled by now, but they still lurked, waiting for a bright light or quick movement to send them roaring back to the forefront.

_What was I thinking?_  To be honest, he couldn’t remember. The previous night faded in and out in patches after he left the bar, leaving only a vague impression of loneliness.

_I guess I dodged a bullet. She’ll assume it was the wrong number and forget about it, end of story. I won’t have to explain any poorly-spelled pathetic cry for attention. It’s much better this way._

Still, he felt a pang thinking about that simple unanswered question that he heard whispered in her voice across the space between them whenever he looked at the message.

_Who is this?_

Despite the risk that he’d actually answer it the next time he got wasted, Sasuke couldn’t quite bring himself to delete it. Or Sakura’s number, for that matter. Angrily, he shoved his phone back in his pocket. This was all a distraction anyway. After yesterday’s spectacle in front of Hizashi, he’d have to work doubly hard to prove his sanity, let alone his competence at the next meeting.

No sooner had Sasuke thumbed through his textbook and found the correct chapter when a knock came at the door.  He considered lying very still and waiting until they left, but the pounding continued until his head was matching the beat thud for thud.

Finally, he yanked the door open to catch Naruto with his fist raised mid-knock.

“What do you want? I’m busy.”

Naruto snorted. “You didn’t seem busy last night when you were staggerin’ up the porch steps. You got a fake ID or what?” He leaned against the doorframe and tried to peek inside the room.

Sasuke blocked the view with his own body and shushed him irritatedly. “So? Is this your attempt to blackmail me? I’m not interested in your stupid little schemes.”

“Why’d you start drinking again anyway?” The blond boy barreled on, heedless of the way a proper conversation was supposed to work. Or appropriate topics. His eyes widened dramatically. “Is it a girl?”

“None of your damn business.”

“A guy?”

“Fuck off.” Sasuke moved to slam the door in Naruto’s face, but the other boy wedged his palm against it and wouldn’t budge.

“Aw c’mon,” he wheedled though the few inches left before the door could be properly shut. “I was just messing with you. M’sorry. Look, uhh can we talk?”

_He can’t be serious._

“I have smokes,” Naruto countered, proffering a pack just out of his reach. They were cheap and a little bit battered, but Sasuke could already taste the ash on his tongue. Nicotine would be the perfect antidote to his lingering hangover.  

He relaxed his grip on the door and let it swing back open.  He fixed Naruto with his best dead-eyed stare, but the boy didn’t seem to be joking around for once. He matched Sasuke’s gaze evenly, a lock of golden hair falling over one eye.

“Alright, make it quick,” he grumbled and motioned Naruto into the room.

The other boy hesitated, shifting his weight nervously from foot to foot. “Do you mind if we go out? I just-” his eyes darted down the hall. “Iruka would _kill_ me for smoking inside.”

Sasuke threw his hands up in the air. “Sure. Whatever. This better be important.” He straightened the sheets on his bed and bad-temperedly returned the textbook to his backpack before grabbing his coat and following Naruto out to the empty playground down the block.

 

* * *

 

Without the clamor of children, the park felt vaguely dour and sinister with the grass beginning to brown and leaves carpeting walkways the same hue of gray as the sky. Sasuke took up residence on the swingset, which creaked and groaned dangerously under his weight. Naruto, of course, couldn’t sit still long enough for that, so he bounced between the jungle gym and the slide, an orange ball of nervous energy.

“Alright spit it out.” Sasuke cursed as his numb fingers fumbled with the lighter and wished he’d though to wear gloves.    

Naruto took a long drag to steady his nerves and released the smoke in a short huff. “Okay so you know how I was teasing you about havin’ girl problems? Well uhh y’see-” he cleared his throat. It was almost funny watching him squirm, so uncharacteristically apprehensive. “I think there’s this girl that umm, hypothetically if she WERE to like me…”

“You’re talking about Hinata.”

The blond boy turned a shade of crimson that rivalled even Hinata’s blushes, and flapped his hands in agitation. “H-how did you-”

_He really was the only person who couldn’t see it. Unbelievable._

“Why are you asking me for advice?” Sasuke asked bluntly. Jealousy squirmed in his gut like a snake. The attraction between the two of them was so simple and obvious. With Hinata’s gently shyness and Naruto’s brash extroversion, they fit together like puzzle pieces. Sasuke, on the other hand, was all ripped and jagged edges that would grate against anyone who tried to get too close.

Naruto paused to consider the question, toe scuffing at the ground.

“I guess cuz apart from Hinata ‘n Iruka I don’t really have any other friends except for you.” His blue eyes fixed on Sasuke, piercing and honest.

_He’s still going on about that?_ Sasuke tried to muster up some contempt at how pitiful it was, but found he couldn’t rightly say that he was doing any better. After all, he was stuck mooning around over Sakura after the handful of encounters they’d had at the hospital, and since he’d left high school early and taken most of his college classes online, he hadn’t exactly socialized a lot before that either.

_But I want it that way,_ he insisted, though another more truthful part of himself knew that was false.

“Hmph.” He watched the smoke curl into fanciful shapes and hang suspended in the air before he waved them away with his hand.

“Does that mean you’re gonna help me?” Naruto’s face broke into a genuine grin.

“I don’t think I _can_. You’re hopeless,” Sasuke deadpanned. 

“Oi!”

“Settle down. She likes you. A lot. Hell, you don’t even have to do anything,” bitterness crept up his throat like bile.

“You think?” Naruto’s expression grew far-off and dreamy. He crouched down in a patch of grass, head upturned to the sky. “She’s pretty great,” he mumbled half to himself.

“Sure.” Sasuke stood abruptly, causing the swing to jerk back wildly on its chain. “You done wasting my time?” He nudged the other boy with his foot.

Naruto stuck his tongue out at him. “You try and act grumpy all the time, but you ain’t foolin’ me. Maybe you should stop avoiding everything and things’ll work out better.” His voice softened, “you’re not alone, ya know. Everyone here’s been through some tough shit. Wouldn’t have to live here if we didn’t. So yeah. If you need help with something… That’s what friends are for, right?” The infectious smile was back.

“Didn’t know you were such a cheese, dumbass,” Sasuke smirked, though on the inside he was shaking. Naruto’s words echoed Sakura’s a little too uncannily for his taste.  

 

* * *

 

The boys lingered on their way back to the halfway house, letting a stiff breeze blow the last traces of smoke off their clothes. Sasuke chewed the inside of his cheek, weighing the question that had been pressing at him against the sweet, sweet silence. Finally he broke down.

“So, how’d you wind up living here in the first place? Most kids seem like they’re coming from or going to somewhere, but you just sort of…stay.”

Naruto looked oddly contemplative for a moment before he gave an easy shrug. “Never had any parents, got bumped around a buncha foster homes cuz I had ‘behavoral problems’ until I got sick of it an decided to live on the streets instead. Which was great cuz nobody could tell me what to do, but it also meant I was off all my meds so,” he twirled a finger in a circle around his ear and whistled.

“I can only imagine,” Sasuke muttered drily, which earned him a swift kick in the shins.

“As I was _saying_ , I dunno what I woulda done if Iruka hadn’t taken me in. Probably gotten thrown in jail or made a ward of the state,” he shuddered. “I still have freedom here.”

_That’s an odd way to look at it._

“What about you, Mr. Dark and Broody? What’s your tragic backstory?”

“Forget it,” Sasuke said with forced nonchalance, though his heart had skipped a beat or two. “Let’s go back inside, I’m freezing my ass off.”

“Aww c’mon I told you mine!”

“Betcha I can beat you back to the house!” Sasuke taunted and took off running in a last-ditch effort to shift the other boy’s attention. It worked beautifully; Naruto let out a yelp and followed hot on his heels. The two stayed neck and neck all the way up to the door, shamelessly pushing and shoving in an attempt to gain the lead.

They burst into the house, pink-cheeked and winded, arguing the entire time it took to unlace their shoes and hang their coats up.

“You elbowed me in the face, you bastard!”

“Tch you’re not even bleeding, stop being such a baby.”

“A BABY? I’LL SHOW YOU-”

“Sasuke, is that you?” Iruka poked his out from the living room. “You have a phone call. Which you don’t have to answer if you don’t want to.” His lips were drawn in a tight, thin line, and his dark eyes were unusually stormy.  

_What the hell? It must be Hizashi. Iruka’s probably pissed because he thinks it’ll interfere with my recovery or whatever, but I can’t waste any more time._

“I’ll take it.” Sasuke left Naruto scrambling in the front hall, and grabbed the phone from Iruka’s hand.

“Hello?”

Instead of the nasally drawl he was expecting, Sasuke heard a soft click followed by a robotic pre-recorded voice.

“This call is from Konoha Correctional Facility. If you’d like to accept it, please press-”

_He found me. Even locked up he can still…_

Sasuke felt the air leave his lungs like he’d been kicked in the chest.

_I’m not safe anywhere. He’ll keep searching, won’t stop until he gets what he wants, just like Father always said._ He felt eyes on the back of his neck, staring out through the grainy image on the TV screen in Hizashi’s office. Itachi’s hand covered in blood reaching out between the bars of a prison cell, beckoning him closer.

The phone fell from his nervous fingers with a clatter. Sasuke heard the clamor of feet running down the hallway, but they echoed oddly as if they were coming from far away. Black spots danced in front of his vision, and the last thing he saw before his legs gave out was Naruto’s face rounding the corner, creased with concern.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another short-ish chapter but I can't resist a cliffhanger sorrrrryyyyy


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can probably tell from the tags that this fic deals with some very serious and potentially triggering issues. This chapter... gets pretty dark just fyi

Consciousness broke upon him like a freezing wave slamming him back onto the shore. Sasuke jerked awake with a gasp, only a few precious seconds to acclimate to the sudden influx of light and noise.

He was on the floor. Iruka was kneeling by his side, close enough to count the pores on his nose while Naruto fidgeted on the periphery. A tightness lingered in his chest, but it was quickly being replace by rage, rushing in to fill the vacuum. 

_Useless. And now they’re staring. They know how weak I am. They’ll never look at me the same way again. They’ll-”_

“Sh-should we like, call an ambulance or something?” Naruto gestured to the phone dangling uselessly from its cradle but made no move to come any closer. His eyes were wide and haunted, staring at Sasuke like he was a bomb about to go off at any second. Or worse, a porcelain doll.

“I’m fine!” He jumped to his feet. The world spun sickeningly for a moment, but he refused to lean against the wall for support. Iruka reached out a hand to steady him, but Sasuke whirled around to attack instead.

“You! How the fuck did he get this number?”

“I don’t kn-”

“That’s pathetic. I’m supposed to be safe here, isn’t that the whole point?”

“Who was on the phone?” Naruto piped up. “Why are you in danger? I’ve never seen you freaked out like that before.”

Iruka looked at him with grave eyes full of concern. “You _should_ be safe here. Tsunade and I took precautions that your identity be protected, from the press as well as from Itachi, but it seems-”

“But nothing!” Sasuke screamed, he could hear whispers as the other house members congregated on the stairs, watching with a mix of glee and fear. Hinata was among them, undoubtedly twisting her hands in her own anxious sign language.

“You’re clearly incompetent, otherwise I wouldn’t be in this situation. Didn’t anyone teach you how to do your job properly?”

Naruto, who until that point had been hovering over the conversation with uncharacteristic hesitation, snapped out of his shocked state. He stormed over and poked a finger at Sasuke’s chest.

“That’s enough!” He roared over Iruka’s protestations. “I don’t care what shit you’re going through right now, you ain’t got the right to talk to him like that.”

Sasuke snorted and shoved his hand aside. “You don’t know me, okay? I can talk however I like. I don’t owe you because you think we’re friends.”

His ears were still ringing, the living room taking on a crisp, hyper-real quality that was too bright, too loud. He felt like an exposed nerve, and the gaze of all the onlookers make it worse. He’d shown a fatal amount of softness, a perception he needed to correct as soon as possible.  

 “Boys, I know you’re upset, but can we please calm down and talk? We have a whole lot that needs to get figured out here,” Iruka placed a hand on Naruto’s shoulder, but he twisted away, jaw clenched stubbornly.  

“Make the bastard apologize first.”

Sasuke bristled. “I don’t think there’s anything to talk about really. I’m sick of being babysat. Besides,” he turned to Iruka, who was watching on warily, “how are you supposed to protect me in the first place? You’re just a sad man filling up his empty life by taking in strays.”

That was the last straw. Naruto flew at him with a howl before Iruka had a chance to react. Sasuke had anticipated this, however, and ducked the blond boy’s wild swings. Staying low to the ground, he thrust his momentum forward, catching Naruto around the waist in a tackle. They tumbled to the ground together, locked in a tangle of limbs.

Sasuke rolled off first, but not before Naruto got in a solid kick to his shins. The spark of pain was surprisingly exhilarating. He yanked Naruto up by his collar and was prepared to feel the crunch of teeth against his fist, when he realized he still had an audience.

Iruka hadn’t made a move, possibly too stunned as his mouth was hanging open almost to the floor. The kids on the stairwell were looking on with rapt interest, except for someone who was crying softly in the back.

_Hinata._

 Sasuke pushed Naruto back with a rough shove. The boy landed on his back with a grunt, but made no move to retaliate.

_Guess I don’t have a choice whether or not I want to stay here anymore,_ he thought numbly. The whole scenario felt like a bizarre nightmare.

“Hey,” Iruka said softly as he took a step forward.

“Don’t worry, I’ll see myself out,” Sasuke rasped harshly. His throat was constricting fast, and his arms were threatening to shake, but he had to keep it together, if only for a few more minutes.

“Wait!”

But he’d already turned tail and run. Pausing only to snatch his coat from the rack where he’d placed it what already seemed like a lifetime ago, Sasuke raced out into the night, ignoring the shouts and commotion behind him.

 

* * *

 

He ran without thinking, without feeling. Aware only of the wind biting his ears and the thrum of blood pulsing through his veins, urging him on until he at last had to stop for breath. The neighborhood he was in was no different than the one he’d left; filled with silent, shuttered houses that guarded the street with an air of lapsed refinement.

Sasuke listened long and hard, but heard no sounds of pursuit. He took a moment to take stock of his surroundings and cursed his impulsiveness. His phone and wallet were both safely tucked in his pants pockets, but he’d taken nothing else with him aside from the clothes on his back. And now he was lost, not that he had anywhere in particular to return to. Iruka would no doubt involve the police, who would immediately start by canvassing his old apartment.

Sasuke heaved a sigh and struck out along a street at random. He knew he’d come across a bus stop eventually, and then… A trip downtown? A night in a hotel? He had about forty dollars cash, but he didn’t know if they’d be tracing his credit card or keeping track of his withdrawals.

_A bank first. Take out as much as I can before anyone catches on._

He pushed aside thoughts of Naruto; how’d he’d be livid at first, racing around the house, swearing he’d hunt Sasuke down. But that would eventually fade to worry, then loneliness as he realized he’d been abandoned once again. And what about Iruka? He could imagine the man staring out the window, fingernails bitten down to the quick despite the harsh things Sasuke had said about him earlier.

_Why is everyone here so forgiving?_   _Don’t they realize it’d be easier just to hate me? To let me go?_

Sasuke ignored the tug in his chest that urged him to turn around and go back to the halfway house. It was high time he had a drink.

 

* * *

 

Three hours later, he was stumbling back out into the harsh glare of the downtown area on a Friday night. The bar had been much more crowded this time. He’d been hemmed in by masses of successful young professionals, flapping about in black suits like penguins, speaking in terms of quarterly goals and million dollar contracts.

That was what he needed to become in the next few years; a fast-talking mannequin with shiny shoes and a vacuous expression. The very thought of it made him want to puke.

People moved two and fro all around him as he stood still in the middle of the sidewalk, like water cresting over a rock. They were fuzzy and indistinct, faces blurred against a background of neon lights. Sasuke squinted at them without much curiosity. They were ants, scurrying about a business that was utterly meaningless in the end.

“Hey kid, are you alright?”

He pushed past the outstretched hand, staggering slightly.

_Where’m I supposed to go now?_

He hadn’t realized how rootless he’d been until this very moment; drifting from what little remained of his childhood at a great aunt’s house, to the sterile apartment, to the hospital, and finally Iruka’s. For all the places he’d lived, not one of them meant anything to him. They were four walls and a floor, not “home”.

_What does that even mean, anyway?_ Sasuke tried to muster up some contempt for the concept, but deep inside, he knew. It was being carried piggyback down a tree-lined driveway, hiding in a closet that smelled like the oil his father used to shine his shoes, baking cookies with his mother.

Memories bubbled up unbidden, tinted rosy and golden by the booze. Even Itachi, barefoot and smiling, resting by the pond on a hot summer’s afternoon. Sasuke swallowed hard. That world was dead now, the estate languishing after buyers were turned away by its gristly history. He intended to demolish it once he gained control of the company, a gesture of rebirth, of moving forward.

But right now he needed a place to stay. Sasuke swiveled to face the oncoming traffic, and stuck out his arm to hail a cab.

 

* * *

 

The Uchiha estate was set back far from the main road, but Sasuke had the cab driver drop him off at the front gate anyways. Through the wrought-iron bars he could see down the winding driveway to the elegant mansion watching over the property with empty eyes. To his relief, the assumption that no one had changed the gate code in the last ten years or so proved right as the heavy door swung inward with a groan.

Overgrown bushes and unkempt grass added to the overall air of desolation as Sasuke wandered up the path. A chill breeze blew old, wet leaves to slap against his legs, but that barely registered.

Inside was dusty, but that alone couldn’t tarnish the stately sense of order and power lying latent in the architecture and design. He hovered at the threshold, old ghosts brushing against his face like cobwebs. Here he used to hang his coat on cold winter day, brush the snow off his boots and set them on the mat over there. Down the hall to the left was the dining room where the whole extended family gathered on special occasions, when he’d whine about wearing the itchy formal jackets. To the right was the living room, the nice one that saw important guests relaxing with a drink after dinner. Beyond that a smaller, more intimate room for their own private recreation. And upstairs…

_What if there’s still blood on the walls?_

Sasuke shook his head at the ridiculous notion. Of course they had crime scene crews come in and clean everything after all the evidence had been taken. Surely they wouldn’t leave something so macabre, especially if the house was being put up for sale.

But he couldn’t get it out of his mind. The master suite, now bare, save for inelegant crimson splashes staining the walls and floor. Itachi’s room, dark and locked. A lair full of secrets that may have once held clues to the kind of person he’d been but was now as devoid of life as the rest of the house. His own room, where he’d left childhood behind. 

Sasuke didn’t want to move, but he couldn’t help it; drawn like a moth to flame just as he’d been all those years ago. His feet moved on their own accord, up the stairs, down the hall. He kept his hands entrenched deep in his pockets, afraid to reach out and touch anything. 

He stopped at the door, shut firmly as it had been before and suddenly his knees were shaking and his stomach felt sick because he was _certain_ that if he opened that door, he’d find his parents lying dead in a pool of their own blood again.

A twig snapped outside, jolting him out of his paralysis.

_Itachi._

He ran, skidding on the throw rug at the top of the stairs, which nearly pitched him down headfirst. He recovered and dashed through the kitchen and out the back before he stopped to realize how idiotic he was being.

_Coward. There’s nothing alive here but some mice, maybe a stray cat or two._

Sasuke took a minute to force his heart rate down and took a few deep breaths. The last vestiges of bubbly warmth the alcohol had provided were gone. He was left painfully sober, without anything to cushion the harsh reality.

_You’re alone. You’ll always be alone. Any chance you had at a happy, normal life died with the rest of them._

He wiped his sweaty palms on the overgrown grass. Itachi used to push him from the swing that had dangled from the gnarled hornbeam tree. Now there was only a limp, bedraggled rope.  He leaned his back against the trunk and stared up at the greying sky.

_It’d be kinda poetic if I hung myself here, wouldn’t it?_

Not his first choice method, of course, but undoubtedly effective. And it had the benefit of a secluded location. Not much chance of anyone seeing and interrupting like last time.

_I wasn’t really trying, then. That was… an accident._

He knew this was when he was supposed to call an ambulance, or at the very least Tsunade. She’d made sure that had been well drilled into his head before he left the hospital, but the thought of the publicity of it all, the house once again bathed in red and blue lights, the EMTs gossiping, made him cringe.

_“I think it’s important for you to know that you’ll have something to look forward to once you get out of here too.”_

Sasuke sighed and pulled out his phone. The other end rang for a tense minute before someone finally picked up.

“Hello, who is this?”

“Sakura”

An uneasy pause. “S-Sasuke is that you?”

“I need help.”


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A big, meaty chapter for you all (sorry that I'm late)! Enjoy some nice little moments between Sasuke and Sakura. I'd say they deserve a bit of a break, yeah?

He expected an awkward silence. A moment in which Sakura weighed every cold shoulder, every careless word against what he supposedly meant to her and decided whether or not he was worth the trouble. But her response was immediate and unequivocal.

“Where are you right now? I’m coming.”

Sasuke muttered the address and waited for her to hang up, but her breath kept coming in little huffs through the line. A door creaked open, then a rush of static and footsteps.

“Sorry. You still there?”

“Yeah.”

“Are you going to hurt yourself?” Her voice wobbled slightly.

Sasuke glanced at the rope dangling overhead. At this point it would take far too much effort to find something to stand on, tie a decent knot, climb up and then…

“No,” he said at last.

“Okay, I’ll stay on the line anyway,” Sakura sounded determined. “Hold on, I’m going to put you on speaker while I drive.” More rustling, an engine revving.

“Won’t your parents wonder where you are?” He asked dully.

“It’s fine,” was the rushed reply. She sighed. “They’re… at a dinner party at my Aunt’s house. They said they weren’t coming back until late, so we should have enough time.”

_For what?_

Sasuke was tempted to tell her not to bother, that it was all a misunderstanding, to hang up and figure out where to go on his own. But he was so _tired_. The weight of the days’ events were crashing down on him with their full force. For once he didn’t care how helpless and infantile he might seem. In this moment, surrounded by ghosts from his past, he wanted to be cared for.    

And so Sasuke sat clutching the phone, listening to Sakura’s steady breathing and the far-off hum of a car until she pulled up in front of the house.

 

* * *

 

As soon as he heard the breaks squeal to a stop, Sasuke crept from his seat at the base of the tree. Sakura was tugging at a piece of hair that had escaped her ponytail. In the harsh glow of the headlights she looked worn-thin and pale, like an old piece of cloth that you could almost see through.

“Hey,” Sakura chewed her lip, all the confident assurance she had given over the phone had vanished. “How’ve you been? Well, not good, obviously,” she threw her hands up in the air. “Let me start over. What’s going on?”

_Where do I even start?_ Pain was beginning to beat at his temples, as if he was skipping straight to the hangover stage already. Sakura was treading on unholy ground. The longer they stayed the more his family’s curse would seep under her skin, the more he’d associate her with a place that held only despair.

_She doesn’t deserve to carry my burden._

“Um, should we call Tsunade, or take you to the ER or…?”

Sakura shifted her weight from foot to foot, uncertain. Her eyes darted back and forth between Sasuke and the vacant house. He could see the unasked questions poised on her lips and he wanted to reassure her, tell her that he’d be alright, shut down the part that hurt and replace it with cold stoicism, but he couldn’t. Not anymore.  

“I don’t need to go to another damned hospital. Can we just get out of here?” He snapped, yanking roughly at the passenger side door. Sakura nodded wordlessly, twisting her keyring around her fingers.

 

* * *

 

Silence enveloped the car, broken only by the sound of their ragged breathing. Sakura kept her eyes fixed resolutely on the road, while Sasuke idly watched the scenery fly by. The night had taken on an ethereal quality, and he couldn’t be sure if he was even awake anymore.

 Finally Sakura spoke up in a strangled voice.

“I don’t hear anything from you for weeks and suddenly you call me out of the blue asking for help. You smell like you’ve been drinking, and the way you were standing there outside that creepy old house…Can you tell me what’s going on?”

Sasuke shrugged. 

“Say something please, you’re scaring me,” a tear rolled down her cheek, which she hastily brushed away.

“I used to live there.”

“Before Itachi…?”

“Yeah.”

“S-sorry, I’ve been watching the news.” She hung her head guiltily as if that somehow constituted an invasion of his privacy. In a way it did, though not on her part. He longed to punch out all the smug newscasters for airing his family’s dirty laundry for the whole world to comment and speculate on.

“Are you mad at me?”

Sasuke realized he’d been balling up his fists.

“No.” He blew out a long breath. “Thank you for coming.”

“Of course,” she reached out a tentative hand and placed it on his shoulder. “I know you aren’t much one for talking, but it might make you feel better if you say what’s on your mind. I’m a pretty good listener.”

Sasuke felt something uncoil; steel ties weakening under the strain of holding himself in for years. He wanted to give in, to sleep, but the slight pressure on his shoulder kept him rooted. He told her everything, starting with his discharge and ending with his flight to the backyard. He left out the part about the rope, however. That was too risky. He couldn’t risk getting dragged back to the psych ward right now, not while Itachi was still breathing.  

By the time he’d finished his tale, Sakura was pulling into the driveway of a trim little two-story house that was virtually identical to all the other trim little two-story houses on the block. She’d barely said a word the entire way, occasionally asking a question to clarify or nodding to show she was paying attention.

“Well, this is where I live,” she mumbled her cheeks reddening, “It’s not much but, um c’mon inside. Are you hungry? There’s probably some leftovers in the fridge.”

“I’m fine.” Sasuke followed Sakura inside with mild interest, following her lead and taking off his shoes in the tiny foyer. She led him through a cramped living room with furniture covered in lumpy knit throw blankets and into the kitchen.

“Sorry about the mess.” She swept a heap of newspapers, receipts, and other assorted odds and ends off a wooden table for two pushed against the wall so that he could have space to sit down. The rest of the room was in a similar state; cluttered but relatively clean, with homey touches like a spice rack and a stitched picture of a cabin in a snowy forest.

Sasuke drew his knees in close under the table, suddenly self-conscious. He was getting a peek into Sakura’s private life. Confronted with something that had seemed so intangible in the fishbowl of the hospital felt almost voyeuristic.

He startled when she placed a glass of water down in front of him.

“Drink. If my mom finds out you’re half-smashed, she’ll be pissed.”

_Then why are you helping me?_ But Sasuke obligingly took a sip.

“I hope you don’t mind sleeping in your clothes. Obviously I don’t have anything that would fit you,” she continued, wrinkling her nose.

Sasuke nearly choked. “You want me to stay here?”

“You said you don’t have anywhere else to go, right? I don’t see what other options we have.”

“But your parents…”

“It wouldn’t be the first time,” Sakura said hurriedly.

_“You’re basically catnip to Sakura’s type, who think they can come in and make it all better with a little TLC.”_ Ino’s words rang in his ears and he briefly wondered if that was all she saw him as- another stray to take in. _Just like Iruka_ , he thought before a pang of guilt chased it away.

Sakura sat down across from him, hugging her elbows. “Are you sure you don’t want to call Tsunade? Or maybe Naruto, just to let him know you’re alri-”

“No! I don’t want anyone to know where I am. At least, not until this whole thing with Itachi is finished.” _Then I can stop constantly looking over my shoulder, and I’ll finally be able to sleep…_

“Are you planning on visiting him?” Her eyes widened.

“It’s the only way I can make it stop. And you can help me by keeping it a secret. Don’t tell your parents who I am- I’m a friend from school or something. I don’t want to put you in danger because of me.” _Who knows how far Itachi can reach outside the prison._

Sakura swallowed. “O-okay. I don’t want to see you in more pain is all,” her eyes were beginning to glisten. 

“Please don’t cry,” Sasuke felt exhaustion burning behind his eyelids. He rubbed at his temples, willing the bizarre day he’d had to vanish. He was running on empty, both emotionally and physically. _I don’t want to hurt YOU either._

She took a deep breath. “Right. We have work to do, but first things first, you need to rest.”

Sasuke opened his mouth to protest, but she grabbed his hand and wordlessly led him back through the living room, up a narrow staircase, and to a room at the end of the hall. Posters of boys posing with instruments and a few shirtless actors looked down at him with smoldering eyes, but the wallpaper underneath them was a pale, childish shade of pink. A battered notebook rested on a nightstand that also held a lava lamp, some seashells, and a picture of Sakura and Ino when they were young, ice cream coating the corners of their mouths.

“I don’t mind sleeping on the couch downstairs if you want the bed. If it’s not too awkward for you.” Sakura hovered in the doorway, shy again.   

Sasuke tentatively sat down on her comforter. If hanging out in her kitchen had felt strange, this was downright surreal. He kept catching glimpses of a person he hadn’t yet had the chance to meet in the collection of stuffed animals on the shelf, the first-aid kit poking out from under her bed. Her life was spread out in front of him, uncategorized and out of context. He wondered what she would’ve thought of his apartment, devoid of personal items.

“So I guess I’ll be going… See you in the morning?” Sakura was chewing on her lip again. “The bathroom’s the second door on the left. If you need anything, just let me know.” She made a move to close the door.

“Sakura?”

“Yes?”

“Thank you. For everything.”

She smiled sadly before the light from the hallway became a sliver from the crack under the door, and Sasuke was left alone in her bedroom. He stretched out on her bed, his thoughts whirling in a confusing jumble. Her pillow smelled faintly of a floral shampoo. He fell asleep without even bothering to crawl under the covers.

 

* * *

 

He awoke disoriented the next morning, ripping off the unfamiliar bedspread in a panic before he remembered where he was. Unnerved, Sasuke avoided looking at the pictures on the wall as he folded the covers neatly back into place. His gums were sticky and he was desperately in need of  a change of clothes and a shower, but the suffocating weight that had been pressing down on him since yesterday had lifted somewhat. He had a goal, and the nebulous formations of a plan. For now, that was enough.

Hanging around in Sakura’s room by himself felt like prying, so Sasuke wandered back down into the kitchen, where he found Sakura cursing over a pan on the stove.

“That’s not how you make eggs.”

Sakura let out a little shriek and almost dropped her spatula.

“Oh S-Sasuke. I didn’t know you were up. Umm I just thought I’d be a good hostess and, y’know…” she gestured to the stove. “It doesn’t mean anything I wanted to make you breakfast is all! That’s the polite thing to do.” A bead of sweat trickled down her forehead, which she wiped away with a flustered hand.

“Move. Let me show you.”

She grumbled indignantly as Sasuke elbowed her out of the way and looked over the pan with a critical eye. The blackened crust stuck to the skillet had likely once been an attempt at scrambled eggs.

“Did you butter it first?”

“What? I thought it was non-stick!” Sakura’s cheeks were beginning to redden.

Sasuke rolled his eyes and took the whole mess over to the trash, where he dumped it unceremoniously.  “Get out the egg carton and some butter. Do you have garlic salt?”

Sakura stared at him in a daze. She reached one hand up to her collarbone, pinching hard enough to make her grimace.

“Okay yeah. Not dreaming,” she muttered wryly, but she did as she was told.

“First of all, scrambled eggs are gross. We’re making sunny-side up.” He wasn’t quite sure why he was being so talkative- hell, maybe he was still drunk, but the cozy little house was comforting. The suburban environment radiated banality far removed from Itachi’s reach. It was boring, and boring was safe.

Sakura watched on, at first with an embarrassed skepticism, then interest, and finally awe, as Sasuke revealed his technique for the perfect sunny-side up eggs. He even managed to keep the yolk intact on the first try, though he didn’t let the satisfaction show on his face.

 When all was said and done, they each had a plate of eggs and toast (which Sakura put in the toaster herself, claiming she _could_ cook certain things). They sat across the table from one another, and Sakura’s eyes closed as she bit into the first morsel.

“How are these so good? It’s not fair.”

“Well I used to…”

_Watch Itachi make them all the time_

“…eat them a lot as a kid.”

Her gaze flicked up from her plate to meet his but she didn’t say anything, though she was dying to ask judging by the way she sucked her cheeks in. Sasuke noticed she was wearing the bottlecap necklace Naruto had given her they day she’d left the hospital. It was just as lumpy and awkward as he remembered, but her fingers kept returning to it, plucking subconsciously on the string as she ate.  

“It’s funny. Eggs used to be one of my problem foods. Like, they’re delicious and all but I’d think to myself ‘oh they’re not worth the calories’ or ‘they’ll just make your thighs bigger’ and I couldn’t eat them until I’d finally break down and make like, six helpings. ” She flushed and glanced at him, hesitant. As if she was afraid of revealing too much.

“Anyway, I don’t feel that way anymore. I let myself enjoy them.” Sakura took a determined bite.

“Hnnn,” Sasuke wasn’t sure if that was supposed to be a veiled message directed at him, or simply a reaffirmation of some goal she’d set with a therapist so he decided to pretend his mouth was too full to answer.

They finished their meal with only the scraping of forks against plates to break the silence.  

Finally Sakura cleared her throat. “So uhh, what do you want to do today? We could watch TV or-”

“I have an errand I need to run.” He was all too aware of the faint sweaty smell his clothes were beginning to give off, and the way his shirt stuck to his back was making his skin crawl. Besides, he hoped looking as sharp as possible would give him that much of a psychological advantage over his brother in prison garb; no matter how small the boost, he’d take it.

“But we could afterward, I guess,” Sasuke added when she saw her face fall. “Is there somewhere to buy clothes around here?”

“Well there’s a couple boutique-y places on Main Street, but those are kind of pricey. Your best bet’s the Saratoga Mall. It’s like a twenty minute drive from here but I can give you a lift.”

“The boutiques are fine. I’d rather walk anyways.” _Expensive is probably better._

“Oh. Okay. Umm, let me write down directions.” Sakura fumbled around in the clutter for a piece of paper and a pen. Her face was shuttered, and Sasuke contemplated letting her drive him to the mall just for the hell of it but he needed space to clear he head. Plus, he didn’t know how fast Iruka worked. Overbearing type that he was, the police were already involved.

Sasuke collected the carefully written instructions and left with little more than a backward glance. He could feel Sakura watching from the window as he slunk away down the peaceful acorn-lined sidewalk.

_You’ve done more than enough for me already._      


	14. Chapter 14

An hour and a half later he returned with a shirt, grey vest, black slacks, and a pair of silk boxers, which may have been excessive but were all the store had to offer. Main Street was full of small shops done up in brick with old time-y streetlights outside, though Sakura had been right- they were priced _very_ modernly.

Everything about the neighborhood stood out in stark contrast to the derelict Uchiha estate. Young mothers pushed strollers with gurgling babies, couples met for lunch in tidy cafes, and people smiled at each other as they passed. There was activity, but it wasn’t at the frantic pace of downtown.

He almost missed Sakura’s house. Even in the daylight, it was remarkably similar to the others on her block. Sasuke was relieved to see that she’d vacated her seat at the window, though that relief quickly swooped down to unease as he spied another car parked in the driveway.

_Her parents must be home. I thought she said they were visiting her Aunt’s for the evening. Did they decide to stay the night?_

“I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to-”

“I can take care of MYSELF.”

“Listen-”

As he opened the door, raised voices fell silent. With growing trepidation, Sasuke followed the source of the noise to the living room. Sakura was standing, hands on her hips, eyes blazing defiance. A far cry from the awkward, blushing girl he was used to.

A woman he assumed was her mother was sitting on the couch. The skin under her eyes was puffy and dark, and while she had faint laughter lines around her mouth, her lips were pressed in a thin line of disproval. Both their heads turned to him with laser focus. Sasuke froze in his tracks, still clutching the bag full of clothes and praying it was opaque enough that Sakura’s mother couldn’t see through to his new underwear.

“See? Here he is now. We’re going to the movies,” Sakura huffed.

Her mother gave a tired sigh. “Honey, please can we not fight right now?” But her daughter spun on her heel, grabbed Sasuke by the wrist and dragged him back out the front door.

 

* * *

 

The atmosphere in the car was like bottled lightening. Sakura was hunched over the steering wheel, gripping it so tight her knuckles were white. Sasuke pressed himself against the window, unsure what to do with himself. Anger radiated off her like a force field. He was afraid if he tried to approach, he’d get thrown back.

Fortunately, Sakura didn’t seem intent on keeping her emotions to herself. After a few minutes of speeding, and a couple harsh brakes at stop signs, words started pouring out of her like a waterfall.

“It’s just not fair! She insists on treating me like a little kid, but then yells at me for not being responsible. Maybe I _would_ be if she gave me a chance. Not to mention she’s a total hypocrite. Shacking up with her new _boyfriend.”_

“I thought you said your parents were visiting your Aunt.”

Sasuke instantly regretted saying that as Sakura’s mouth snapped shut. He eyed the door handle, ready to make a run for it if she were to explode.

“Well maybe things are a little more complicated,” she said through gritted teeth. “I didn’t want to bother you last night with… everything that was going on. It’s not that much of a big deal, really. I’m just being silly.”

Sasuke raised an eyebrow. _At least you still have a family,_ a horrible, jealous part of him whispered, but he shoved it away and didn’t comment.

“M-maybe you won’t understand,” Sakura’s lower lips quivered. “My parents got divorced last year and I can’t believe my mom’s already found someone else. I w-want her to be happy but at the same time I feel like she’s tearing our whole family apart. Dad won’t even speak to her unless it’s through me and I _hate_ it, I hate _both_ of them for being so _stupid,_ ” She pulled over to the curb with a screech, punctuating each word with a smack on the steering wheel. Tears were flowing freely down her cheeks, but she made no move to wipe them away.

“I kn-know I can’t f-fix it but I just want us all to be together again.”

_“If I had a happy, normal life, I wouldn’t be here in the first place, would I?”_

He’d been so caught up in his own pain that he hadn’t bothered to consider hers. All those sleepless nights they’d met, she’d been struggling with her own demons but spent her time trying to help him instead. And he’d pushed her away.

“Hey.” Sasuke reached out tentatively and brushed a strand of hair out of her face. Sakura put up her hands in an attempt to cover the damp, blotchy skin but didn’t flinch away from his touch.

_How am I supposed to do this?_ Heat crept up the back of his neck. He hated to admit he was bad at anything, but comforting people was out of his league. He tried to think of what Naruto would do, but couldn’t bring himself to adopt the boy’s sunny optimism. Maybe the situation with her parents _wouldn’t_ get better. Telling Sakura any different could end up hurting her more.

“They’ve still got you right?” Sasuke mumbled. “Yeah it’s shitty that they don’t love each other anymore, but uh, fuck I don’t know what to say.” His parents hadn’t been very demonstrative people, but he could always feel their love surrounding him like a golden net. His father stoic and strong, his mother calm and graceful. Still, he knew how she must feel, having something tear that love apart from the inside.

Without Sakura turned and flung her arms around his neck.

“You don’t have to say anything,” she whispered. “Thank you.”

Puzzled, Sasuke gave her an awkward pat on the head.    

_I haven’t done anything._

Eventually she disentangled herself and managed a watery smile. She wiped at her eyes with her sleeves, dabbing at the corners with a moistened bit of tissue from the glove compartment until she was satisfied with the results in the rearview mirror. Sakura blew out a long breath and tossed her hair back.

“Okay. Back to normal. My face isn’t too blotchy right? We should actually go to the movies. I think I need to be out of the house for a while.”

“Okay.” Sasuke’s head was still spinning. Drained from the previous nights’ events, he felt like a ragdoll in a car crash; bouncing to and fro but unable to sense the impact.  

 

* * *

 

 He studied her profile in the darkened theater, her face turned towards the screen, chin cupped in the palm of her hands. They weren’t close enough to touch, not quite, but a careless motion would cause their arms to brush, a prospect Sasuke found electrifying. It wasn’t until the lights came back on and they squeezed their way out of their seats that he realized he had no idea what he had just watched.

 

* * *

 

They drove around town for the rest of the day while Sakura studiously avoided her phone, which would periodically go off into furious bouts of ringing. Sasuke pretended he didn’t notice the frown that creased her brows whenever she looked at the caller ID.

But he got a look at the neighborhood through her eyes; a generic traffic island became a summer meeting place for elementary school children, a worn diner the site of her first (and so far last) kiss. Sometimes she’d mention Ino and then fall quiet or change the subject, but Sasuke didn’t mind. He had very little to add to the conversation and mostly stared out the window and let the words run through his head like water. That is, until he spotted a familiar blond strolling down the sidewalk with a bookbag slung over one shoulder.

_Shit._

Sasuke slouched down in his seat in a vain attempt to make himself less conspicuous, but it was too late. Naruto’s eyes widened, his jaw went slack, and the bag dropped unceremoniously on the ground as he charged towards the slow moving car. Sakura let out a squeak of surprise and hit the brakes just before Naruto started pounding on the passenger side window.

“I knew it, I knew it, I knew it! Get out of the car, bastard, you’ve got some explaining to do.”

“What the hell-” Sakura began, but Sasuke had already wrestled free of his seatbelt. He didn’t even bother to shut the door behind him before he grabbed the other boy by the collar.

“What. Are. You. Doing. Here.”

“Lookin’ for you, dumbass. What else?” Naruto snarled back.

“How-”

“I figured you wouldn’t be so stupid to go back to your apartment, an’ Sakura’s like the only other person you _know_ so I looked up ‘Haruno’ in the phone book an’ there weren’t very many so I figured I’d start with the closest one an’ go from there. Only took two tries! I’m gonna drag you back home before Iruka worries himself to death.”

Sasuke took in the dirt on his face, the lumpy backpack with a sleeping bag rolled up on top.

“Were you going to… camp out if you couldn’t find us right away?”

Naruto shrugged. “Told ya I lived on the streets before. Doesn’t bother me.”

“But- but you moron! You couldn’t have known I’d go to Sakura’s, that was a lucky guess.  What if I hadn’t been there, what would you have done then, huh?” He released his hold on the other boy in dumb amazement.

_Ridiculous. He’s wasting his time. I can handle myself._

“Will somebody _please_ tell me what’s going on?” Sakura folded her arms against the roof of the car and watched on with trepidation. “If you two get in a fistfight in the middle of the street, I swear I’ll-”

“He’d definitely deserve it,” Naruto cut in. “What happened? He just show up on your doorstep one night and not tell you why he was there?”

“Shut up,” Sasuke hissed, low and deadly. “You don’t know what you’re talking about. And I’m not going back.”

“Look, why don’t we all just get in the car and go talk about this over milkshakes. I think everyone needs to calm down so we can look at this rationally…”

“No!” Both boys shouted.

“I’m not goin’ anywhere until Sasuke promises to come back to the halfway house.” Naruto stuck his lower lip out in a childish pout.

“Well I’m not going to do that,” Sasuke snapped. _As if Iruka would even let me back in the door._ “I’m done sitting around waiting for things to get better. You wouldn’t understand that- you’ve got your comfy little life built there but I’ve got… business I need to take care of.”

To his surprise, Naruto’s shoulders slumped, making him look defeated and sad. “Oh. So you decided to tell Sakura and not me? I can help too! I-I told you I was looking for you cuz of Iruka, but me an’ Hinata have been really worried about you too. After the phone call… It was your brother Itachi, right? Whoever he is, I don’t care. I’ll help you kick his ass.”

“Why? You barely know me!”

“That’s what friends are for isn’t it?”

_Even after all I put him through…_

Sasuke sighed. He had three options:  The first was to finish the scuffle they’d started at the halfway house. Hurt Naruto just enough to drive him away, while at the same time establishing that he was in control and strong enough to survive on his own. But to do so in front of Sakura… For some reason she was convinced he was worth her time and effort, and he’d already caused her enough heartache.

The second option was to follow Sakura’s lead and talk things out calmly in a public setting. Which would not only involve riding in a car with Naruto, but also having to explain himself. It was bad enough opening up to Tsunade, and now these two wanted to play shrink as well?

The third option was to run away again. 

 “Tch. Get in the damn car.”

Naruto’s face lit up. “Awww yeah! I’m starving. ‘M glad I finally found you cuz my feet are tired. Anyways, how are you Sakura? It’s good to see you. Your hair looks really nice-”

“In the BACKSEAT,” Sasuke growled, shoving him over. Sakura caught his eye and gave a tentative smile. He snorted and looked away. Naruto was still chattering a mile a minute, kicking the back of Sasuke’s seat every other sentence for emphasis. He fought the urge to relax, fall back into a pattern of companionship and banter, even as their presence made the burden he carried with him lighter somehow.

_Don’t get too happy. They’re getting dragged into this mess now, for better or for worse._

 

* * *

 

He let Naruto reenact their fight, complete with sound effects and waitresses staring as he got out of his chair to throw punches in slow motion. Sakura watched with wide eyes, though her knee brushed against his under the table in what he guessed was a sympathetic way.

Sasuke had expected Naruto to be foggy on the details of the Uchiha massacre, or simply unable to connect the dots but he hadn’t expected him to be totally ignorant.

“What? I don’t really care about the news,” he grumbled defensively as Sakura clucked her tongue in displeasure. “I didn’t exactly have time to keep up with current events as a kid.”

_Fair enough._

Sasuke gave Naruto the cliffnotes version of the night and what had happened since leaving the halfway house, though he neglected to mention how exactly he’d ended up at Sakura’s. That was still too raw. Too personal. And for all Naruto claimed to be his friend, Sasuke couldn’t quite bring himself to pry open his last layer of defense. Itachi had once claimed to be his brother, after all.

By the time he finished, their food sat cold and untouched on the table.

Naruto didn’t seem to care, and took an enormous bite out of his hamburger.

“Shit, man. That’s rough. No wonder you freaked out when he called you. Anyone would have.”

“And you still think doing what he asked is the smartest way to go about this?” Sakura asked. She toyed with the rim of her glass, finger making a low hum as it slid around in delicate circles.

“Do you have a better idea? And don’t say ‘call Tsunade.’”

“But-”

“She’s already proved that she can’t help!” Sasuke burst out, earning a sharp glance from the couple a few tables over. He lowered his voice with effort. “Look at what happened with the halfway house. She can’t protect me from Itachi, he’s too smart. He’ll find a way.”

“I agree with Sasuke. For _once_ ,” Naruto conceded. “Ya gotta face your problems head-on. ‘Sides it’s not like he can hurt Sasuke. They’ll be in prison, for Christ’s sake. He’ll be all locked up in chains or whatever. With guards.” He let out a long belch. “’Course that means Sasuke can’t get in a good punch either. Unless they’re like guards in the movies, all badass, pretendin’ to look the other way when the good guy comes to interrogate and then WHAM!”

But Sakura only looked down at her lap. At first Sasuke thought she was giving in, but when she spoke her voice was full of steel. “I’m more worried about what he might do to Sasuke’s… mental state.”

The Uchiha repressed a derisive snort. _What more damage could he possibly do?_

“I’m okay, seriously. I’m not going to _do anything stupid,_ ” he hedged with a quick glance at Naruto. “What else can I do? I can’t stay at your house forever.”

“Fine. I just want to put it out there that I think this is a bad idea,” she said coolly, and began collecting her coat, fishing in the pockets for her wallet.

“Nyah well you’re outvoted two-to-one!” Naruto jeered.

“This isn’t a joke, you-”

Sasuke stood abruptly, letting his hand fall palm-down on the table with a heavy thud. “I’m taking a cab to the prison tomorrow, whether you want me to or not. I don’t need your help with this.”   

Sakura swallowed and reached out to grab his hand, but thought the better of it and clasped her fingers together under her chin. “We’re here for you anyways.”  

_That’s what I’m afraid of._

Before they parted ways, he made Naruto swear up, down, and sideways that he wouldn’t breathe a word of their plan to Iruka, on the condition that Sasuke would come back to explain himself once all was said and done. The blond boy nodded, unusually solemn, and muttered something about backup. Then he vanished into the darkening night.

After all the nights he’d spent awake creating conversations in his head, tearing Itachi apart from every angle until he wrung an answer from him, this was all actually _happening._ Sakura’s mouth was set in a grim line, echoing the fatalistic determination he felt churning in his stomach. Once again he’d boxed himself into a corner and all that was left was to fight his way out. No time to turn back, no time for regrets.  

_Is this how a soldier feels the night before a battle?_

He stuffed trembling hands into his pockets and wordlessly followed Sakura back to her car.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess who you (finally) get to meet next chapter?!


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When is a monster not a monster?  
> Oh, when you love it  
> Oh, when you used to sing it to sleep   
> -Caitlyn Siehl

Konoha Correctional Facility was a squat, grey piece of industrial architecture that overlooked the city from its hilltop perch ten miles from the outskirts of town. What was intended to be a beacon of safety and security for the citizens loomed over them like a bird of prey.

The cab driver gave Sasuke a sidelong glance as he stepped out.  Maybe he was suspicious of a seventeen year old kid arriving alone at one of the world’s most notorious prisons. Maybe he could smell the wine pilfered from a shelf in the wee hours before Sakura woke. Not enough to get him good and drunk (which was where he’d rather be) but Sasuke had needed something to steady his nerves. And stop his hands from shaking.

A stern-faced guard met him at the door with a grunt and led him inside for “processing,” which consisted of going through a metal detector, followed by a pat-down and a robotic recitation of the visiting rules- they would be under observation at all times, no touching, voices were to be kept at a reasonable level, the session could be terminated at the discretion of the guard. That suited Sasuke just fine. He was forced to sign some paperwork before he was handed a visitor’s badge, the clerk’s eyebrow twitching up in surprise when he said he was there to see Itachi Uchicha. 

Then the guard beckoned him over to a massive steel door. He punched in a code and it opened with a harsh, electronic buzz that reminded him for a brief moment of the hospital.

Sasuke stepped forward into a dimly lit room. Everything was the same dull shade of grey from the tables to the concrete floor, like he’d been swallowed by giant, mechanical beast. From elsewhere in the prison he could hear the far-off buzz of more doors opening, clanging of feet on metal, and the occasional disjointed shout.

“Wait here.” The guard pointed at a table crouched in a corner next to the vending machine. Sasuke wavered for a moment before taking the seat facing the door. It left him pressed against the wall, but he reasoned it was worth the risk to see Itachi coming.

_We’ll be watched the whole time,_ he reminded himself in an attempt to slow his heart, jackhammering away in his chest.

The guard slouched by the door, arms folded. His face betrayed no hint of emotion, though when he caught Sasuke scrutinizing him, he looked away. Sasuke turned his focus to the rest of the room, but that yielded no further clues or advantages. There was a clock covered by a mesh cage, a few scuff marks on the wall, and on closer inspection, the vending machine was empty. All the tables seemed to be identical; their only unusual characteristic was a loop of metal protruding from the center.

_Where is he?_

Sasuke flinched at every footstep, every crackle of the guard’s walkie-talkie, but there was no sign of his brother. Each minute passed with agonizing slowness, yet he found himself wishing time would stop altogether. He stared at the slim red second-hand, fighting it every step of the way as it raced around the clock’s face.

Five minutes, ten. The guard stayed stiff as a cardboard cutout and Sasuke briefly wondered if this wasn’t another nightmare. That as soon as the door opened, he’d wake up in Sakura’s bed without ever getting to meet Itachi’s eyes.

The walkie-talkie awoke in a burst of static. “Prisoner 37042 entering the visiting area.” The guard nodded at Sasuke, who sat up ramrod-straight as if his spine was electrified. He fought to keep his breathing under control. The door swung open with a groan.

 

* * *

 

Dirty grey-white sneakers. Baggy orange jumpsuit that dragged slightly on the ground. Chains looped around ankles. Sasuke followed the links up to the wrists where another set of manacles lay. He couldn’t look away from his hands; long, delicate fingers with impeccably clean nails despite the surroundings. Hands that used to play piano, and poke him in the forehead. Hands that had gripped a bloodstained knife…

“Hello Sasuke. I was beginning to think you wouldn’t come.” With a rustle of cloth, he sat. His voice was neutral, quiet, with a slight rasp as if he wasn’t used to using it much. Itachi patiently held out his hands while another guard hooked the chain through the loop in the table, limiting his reach to a few inches. The process was repeated with his feet, and the guard retreated without a sound.

Sasuke’s world shrunk down to the foot or so of space between them. Itachi was so close, so real that he filled Sasuke’s senses to the point where he was drowning. He stank faintly of mildewed socks and cheap detergent. Parchment-thin skin with lines around the eyes, which stared deep and haunting from their sockets. He looked impossibly old.

_Or like he’s already dead._

Itachi sighed. “You’ve gotten so tall.” He sounded almost wistful.

“What do you want?” Sasuke directed his question at the floor.

“I wanted to see you one last time.”

“Why?” The lights flickered. Itachi’s hands, folded neatly in front of him cast spider-like shadows across the table.

“To tell you the truth.”

“The truth?” Sasuke snorted. “The truth is you killed everyone for no reason!” He felt his voice rising, his head spinning dangerously. He couldn’t lose control now, it was too early-

“You’re a fucking psycho!” He slammed his hand down, unaware that he was rising to his feet. “I’ve lived in _hell_ the past ten years because of what you did. And you have the nerve to come around asking me for favors. Well guess what? The only reason I came here today is to tell you that I hope you die like the dog you are. I’m not a part of your life anymore. So leave me alone.”  

Itachi bowed his head. A grimace shuddered over his face before he turned his blank eyes back to Sasuke.    

“You’re right. You don’t owe me anything. I ultimately failed in my duties to protect you and I fully deserve your hatred. But there is one thing I need you to understand before I’m gone. After that, you can laugh in my face, leave, throw a party on the day of my execution, I don’t care. But I’m begging you to listen. Just this once.”

 Sasuke was breathing in heavy gasps. He was aware of the guard’s narrowed eyes, fingers tensing around the walkie-talkie. He could hear Sakura in the back of his mind urging him to leave. _You got what you came here for, don’t let him get under your skin. He’s dangerous._

But there was something unreadable in Itachi’s expression- maybe it was the way his shoulders slumped forward as if he’d been carrying a heavy pack for a long time, or the way his palm curled upwards towards the ceiling like he was waiting for Sasuke to take it, but it reminded him of the brother he’d known. The one part of him desperately wanted to believe still existed.

He lowered himself back into the chair with trembling legs.

“Thank you.”

“Just get on with it,” Sasuke growled.

 Itachi blew out a long breath through his nose and tucked a flyaway piece of hair behind one ear. “Very well. You may find this hard to believe, especially coming from me, but I swear that I will not lie to you. I have never lied to you. Sasuke, our family was not what it seemed.”

 

* * *

 

The room was too cold, no too warm. _A window. There should be a fucking window in here to get some air._

“I didn’t come here to listen to your excuses,” he gritted out. He’d heard his share of conspiracy theories, and had even received a couple rambling, paranoid letters- The Uchihas had sold a D-list actress into sex slavery, they had bought an army of mercenaries to start a foreign war- but those ideas were generally relegated to the tinfoil hat-wearing community. 

_He’ll have to try harder than that if he’s trying to spook me._

“We were living a lie.” Itachi’s voice was shockingly, immeasurably, sad.

_How does he do that? Fake emotion so well._

“What do you mean? You’re not making any sense!” Sasuke dug his fingernails into his thigh. “We were happy. YOU were the one that lied. Pretending you cared all these years. Did you get tired of playing the good son?”

“You were very young. And after everything that happened, I can’t blame you for remembering the good over the bad.”

Fine pinpricks of blood welled up around the tips of his fingers as his knuckles turned white as bone from the pressure he was exerting.  Sasuke felt a dizzying vertigo sweep over him, like he was looking through the wrong end of a telescope.

_Hushed conversation leaking under the door to Father’s study late at night, Mother slamming plates down at the breakfast table in cold silence, Itachi’s room locked up tight…_

_Don’t let him under your skin. There’s nothing inside of him he’s an empty shell not even human don’t listen don’t-_

“First, you must understand this: Our family’s fortune was built upon the backs of other peoples’ suffering. Yes, on the surface Uchiha Enterprises is a legitimate business, conducting hundreds of legal transactions every day, but underneath it’s a writhing mass of snakes and our father was at the head.”

Itachi was looking straight at him with eyes so dark Sasuke was falling down into them. His expression still carried an alien calmness but there was no hint of deception, only a flicker of what might have been regret.

“Our father was very careful, as was his father before him for generations. The records were kept clean, the numbers in all the account books added up. The government was satisfied with the taxes and the occasional bribe we slipped their way. Besides, most of what we were doing was overseas anyway. Countries with looser ethical standards and regulation when it came to business. Selling drugs, sex, exploiting workers, you name it, we did it. Money and power breed corruption and hatred. Our family was on a dangerous path. At the time, father was grooming me to take on a leadership role in the company he intended me to lead one day.”

_Watching from the window as the chauffer swept you away for another tour of the factories, father with his hand around your shoulder and I was so fucking jealous-_

“He gave me a gun for my fifteenth birthday, and told me to learn how to use it because we were not without rivals and I was a man now and needed to know how to protect myself.”

_The plates hadn’t been cleared from the dinner party; bits of cake clung to knives and forks, errant bows and bits of wrapping paper littered the table. Itachi still_ _sat at the head of the table, staring down at his hands with a small, pensive frown._

_“What’s wrong? You didn’t like my present?”_

_“No, the picture you drew was my favorite, Sasuke.”_

“I started thinking about what we were doing, the people who were getting hurt because of our actions. And you were so young, so innocent. I couldn’t bear the thought of you stained with that philosophy. Or worse, caught in the crossfire between Uchiha enterprises and a rival company.”

_“Be careful when you play outside, okay?”_

_“I do it all the time. You’re such a worry wart, big bro.”_  

“I was trying to protect you.”

“It’s a lie!” Sasuke burst out. “It has to be! Y-you’re sick and pathetic and you just brought me here to toy with, one last little game before the lights go out, is that it? Can’t you see you’ve fucked me up enough already?” His forehead was slick with sweat and his stomach roiled. He gripped the edges of the table to anchor himself in place. It was too much- the family business, everything he’d worked for, it couldn’t possibly…

Itachi hung his head. “I am truly sorry for the pain my actions have caused you, but I do not regret what I did. I will gladly die a pariah so that you can have a chance. Perhaps I should have told you sooner, but my words have always failed me when I needed them the most.” He reached out but then stopped himself as one of the guards stepped forward.

Sasuke could only stare. A horrific chill was seeping through his chest, freezing his lungs as if he was drowning in icy water. In the hundreds of times he’d played out the scenario in his head, nothing had even come close. Not to this.

“I expect I won’t be seeing you again. Just know that… you aren’t tied to our past anymore. With my death, you’ll be free. And that’s all I can ask for; whether you forgive me or not is irrelevant.” The chains clanked as he stood.

Itachi gave a short bow. “Goodbye, Sasuke.”

His hand snaked out and barely managed to brush Sasuke’s forehead before both guards leapt forward and yanked his arms behind his back.

“Alright, that’s enough. Time to go back to your cell.” Itachi didn’t struggle as he was manhandled out of the room. He turned his head for one last look, the lines around his eyes and mouth relaxed, the tension gone from his shoulders. He seemed at peace.

“Did he hurt you, kid?”

Sasuke realized his fingers were circling the spot, feeling it gingerly as if it was too hot to touch directly.

_Itachi-_

“I should go,” he said to no one in particular and found himself walking with calm, measured steps until he stumbled, gagging into the prison’s restroom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know a lot of you were looking forward to this meeting. I hope I did it justice!


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What this chapter lacks in length, it makes up for in emotional cruelty. Read at your own risk.
> 
> (On an unrelated note I'd like to thank everyone for all the feedback! Your comments are so valuable to me and I love reading every one <3)

_What if the wolf in sheep’s clothing tore open his chest to prove he was really a sheep all along?_

The fluorescent lights of the department store hurt his head.

_Double-blind, wool over the eyes._

If purgatory existed, it probably looked a lot like this; grey cement, endless rows of industrial shelving, the occasional muffled conversation or echo of something metal dropped on the floor. He squinted at the aisle signs, but most of the letters blurred together.

_I’m not crying._

An employee in a red apron walked by and Sasuke quickly busied himself with rolls of masking tape as if choosing the correct brand required every ounce of focus he possessed. He breathed a sigh of relief as they passed without comment. He didn’t need the false cheer of someone asking him how they could help when clearly he was beyond that.

He found what he was looking for amidst hulking outdoor grills with more dials and settings than a spaceship, pictures of smiling middle-aged men leering out from the packaging. Sasuke considered buying some firewood or coals too, just in case the cashier got suspicious, but found he didn’t care.

The price of his grand scheme was forty dollars and sixteen cents, neatly announced in green block letters on the register. The cashier barely glanced at him as she handed him his change and waved over the next person inline.

_I’m another faceless customer heading home to a barbeque or a new fireplace. Would she recognize me if they put up a picture on the news? Would she think back to a boring day at work and wonder if there was something she could have done differently?_

The canisters bumped and sloshed against his shins as he lugged them to the bus stop. His head swam dangerously. He hadn’t truly eaten anything since lunch the day before, unless he counted the wine as his breakfast.

_Is this how Sakura felt on the days she’d try to fast? Was she proud? Did the emptiness fill her up and make her strong?_

Sasuke thumbed the outline of the phone in his pocket. Four missed calls from Sakura and ten from an unidentified number he assumed was Naruto’s. He should answer, but then he’d have to face the full force of their questions, their concern. Naruto would huff and puff and muster all his bravado until Sasuke would be half-convinced he could take on the world with two bare fists and a heart of gold. Sakura would listen in the careful way that let him know she was there without having to speak. Together they’d coax the whole story out of him.

He might even change his mind.

_You owe her more than this_ , an inner voice hissed.  Sasuke hugged the gas cans closer and stared down the street to watch for the approaching bus. His phone buzzed accusingly in his pocket.

_Just answer. Tell her what’s going on. She’ll pick you up, take you home. To her home. This can all be a bad impulse. You don’t have to follow through._

Sasuke ended the call and turned the phone off before she had a chance to respond. He closed his eyes against another wave of guilt and nausea. One last stop at the liquor store and he’d be all set.

 

* * *

 

The weather was completely wrong. There should be dramatic rainclouds, thunder and lightning heralding in the end of all things. Instead, Sasuke stood at the edge of the Uchiha Estate under a bland, clear sky in the late afternoon. The only sound was the wind rustling through the grass. It sounded like ghosts bumping up against one another.

He set the gas cans down on the pavement so he could finally reach the plastic bottle wedged under his armpit. Sasuke thought longingly of the delicate long-stemmed wine decanters that had gathered dust in the basement throughout his childhood, no doubt long sold or consumed by now. _That_ would be a fitting drink for tonight; a toast to the end of the Uchiha line.

Instead he took a swig of what might have been vodka, but tasted more like ethanol than anything else. The pungent medicinal smell put him in mind of a hospital, so he took another drink to chase that thought away. He wasn't sure if he began drinking trying to forget what Itachi had told him or because he couldn't deceive himself into thinking it was a lie.

_No going back._

Sasuke dragged the cans up the driveway, through the vacant house. By the time he reached his parents’ bedroom, his arms were shaking from the effort. He squatted down on the floor and drank until the bottle was half gone and the clouds were beginning to turn orange and gold with the setting sun. It was time to prepare.

_I took my first steps on the lawn outside. Itachi held my hand._

He carefully uncapped a canister, tilted it forward, and watched with slow fascination as the amber liquid spilled onto the floor. He drew his arm back in a sweeping motion to cover a larger area, pacing methodically until he’d saturated as much as he could.

_Mother used to sit at the dining room table to do the crossword puzzle in the newspaper every morning. Father made pancakes on the weekend._

The fumes were thick and heavy. Eyes watering, Sasuke did the same with the final can, as he spread the gas down the hall until it began to trickle down the stairs. He pushed thoughts of Naruto and Sakura from his mind. They’d move on. They’d have each other to turn to.

_Nothing we had was real._

Back to the bedroom. The smell was almost unbearable, but his head was starting to whirl in an alcoholic dance and the vapors sped the process along. Another long swallow from the bottle. The taste was indistinguishable from the scent of the gasoline and he had to fight back the urge to retch. That had been his mistake last time.

Breaths coming shorter and shallower. With clumsy hands, he pawed open his phone. Sasuke ignored the waiting messages. Fortunately Sakura’s number was the last one he’d called, as his vision was beginning to slide in and out of focus. She picked up on the second ring.

“Sasuke what’s going on? Naruto and I have been trying to reach you for HOURS, is everything alright? What happened?”

“’M sorry,” he choked out.     

“Now hold on-”

“Everything’s just… wrong. I can’t, I can’t fix it this time. Itachi ‘n everything s’all fucked up. I’m fucked up.”

“Sasuke, please listen to me. Where are you? We can-”

He started to laugh, but his chest hurt too much. “’S too late. I just need some space. I shouldn’ta put you ‘n Naruto through this whole mess. ‘M sorry. Thank you.”

Her panicked voice became indistinct as the phone slid out of his grasp. He noticed with detached curiosity that his hands were numb.

_Close enough._

He wasn’t the type to leave a note, after all.

Tonight the Uchiha family legacy would end as it began; in blood and fire, torn apart by betrayal. Sasuke would burn down this edifice and all the hatred and grief it stood for.

It took all his concentration to draw the lighter out of his pocket. His ears rang and black spots danced before his eyes. He staggered to the door, clutched the frame for support but he fell to his knees. He refused to die where his parents did.

Sasuke made it to the top of the stairs before he collapsed fully. His teeth clicked together at the impact as his chin slammed into a step, and he bounced heavily before he came to a stop. He flicked the wheel on the lighter, and a tiny flame sprung to life. He tossed it up to where the gasoline had pooled on the landing and watched an inferno blossom into brilliant shades of red and orange. It raced hungrily upwards, feeding on the trail he’d left. With a small smile of satisfaction, Sasuke noted the carpet had caught and the wall of heat was advancing towards him.

His head ached from the booze and the smoke. He had one last wild thought of Itachi- would the news reach him before the execution? Would he still feel like a martyr then, with the true consequences of his actions laid bare? All that he’d sacrificed, turned to ashes. Reasons didn’t matter, only results. And choices. And if Sasuke’s whole life had been a carefully orchestrated series of misdirections and sleights of hand, then it was high time he took control.

_It’s over._


	17. Chapter 17

He came hurtling out of the darkness with a scream that couldn’t pass the tube snaked down his throat. Arms grappled with him on all angles as he tried to yank it out, but he couldn’t see to defend himself, couldn’t think past the white-hot pain lancing down his left side.

_I guess this is hell,_ he thought before he was lost again. 

 

* * *

 

White. Stiff starchy sheets. Curses fell from his chapped lips like prayers. Cloth rustled somewhere next to his head. A flash of pink. A sharp intake of breath.

_Sakura._

A cool hand on his forehead, another slipping into his right palm. Something warm and wet fell on his upturned face.

He was unbalanced; eyelids too heavy to open, head threatening to float off his shoulders. He felt like he was suspended in a thick, syrupy liquid that muffled all his senses. Sakura was speaking but her words buzzed uselessly around his ears. Thinking was too hard.

Living was too hard.

Sasuke let himself fall back into the painkillers. A lover’s embrace.

 

* * *

 

_I’m still here._

He opened his eyes to a blue-tiled ceiling, a pathetic substitute for the sky. He struggled to sit up but the pain came roaring back to life. He flopped back against the pillows and tried to categorize it. Throat- 3/10, itchy/burning. Probably from the tube. And the smoke inhalation. Chest- 5/10, sore. Again with the smoke. And probably the stairs. He vaguely remembered falling. Left arm-  He froze. That was the center of it all. A solid, burning 9/10 that radiated up his shoulder and around his back, but it only decended to a certain point.

_Don’t look._

Sasuke tried to shake his fingers, and while the muscles above his elbow screamed in protest, nothing changed.

_Oh fuck, oh fuck._

He craned his head to peek at the damage against his better judgement. A crisp, white bandage poked out from the sleeve of his hospital gown, but that was as far as his arm went. It ended in a sad little nub about halfway between his shoulder and where his elbow should have been. Sasuke wiggled it experimentally. The stump waggled to and fro in a forlorn wave.

Vertigo swooped over him. It was so grotesque, so alien, and yet somehow it was part of him now. He could feel the nerves, raw from their recent separation, but if he closed his eyes he could picture his hand so clearly that he could feel himself gripping the sheets.

Tentatively, Sasuke pushed himself up with his good arm. His whole body was weak, muscles straining as they tried to remember their proper use. The room was mercifully quiet. He could even see a patch of light from a window that snuck between the gaps of the curtains that surrounded his bed. 

_I should be a mess._

The sheer amount of alcohol, not to mention the quality or the circumstances under which it had been consumed, should have left him flat on his back. Aside from the pain, Sasuke felt fine. No headache or roiling stomach. The light didn’t make him want to flinch away. All he was left with was a black hole in his memory and in itchy spot on his arm where an IV pumped him full of a clear fluid.

Sasuke settled back on the pillows and waited for panic to set in. The realization that he’d fucked up irrevocably this time; that in failing to kill himself, he’d woken up buried under an even deeper pile of shit than the one he’d tried to leave. But he couldn’t muster up more than a dull sense of irony that welled up like a toothache. He was empty.

 

* * *

 

Sakura hovered outside the room. At first she appeared to be in the middle of a fierce argument with herself as she reached out to knock on the doorframe, drew back, then hissed in frustration. Her hands went from her hair to the compact mirror in her purse and back again in a quick, sparrow-like dance until, with a small nod at her reflection, she stepped in.

Sasuke looked out the window, as if he hadn’t observed every minute detail of the ritual.

“Hey.”

He could tell from her voice that her eyes were probably red, but only at the creases because she’d probably spent fifteen minutes washing her face in the bathroom so nobody would know she’d been crying.

The chair next to his bedside scraped against the floor as she pulled it closer. He could smell her floral shampoo that reminded him of her pillow, tucked away in a little house on a quiet street where bad things only happened behind closed doors. Still, he refused to turn his head. His neck was paralyzed.

“Look at me.”

“Why are you here?”

It sounded more sullen than scathing. Sasuke wasn’t even sure what he was trying to protect anymore; his pride and his stupid dreams and loyalties were smoke, but pushing back was an instinct. If he could push others away, he still held power over them.

“Why do you think?” Sakura’s tone was gentle, but fragile as blown glass. 

Sasuke didn’t know why she was so hard to face directly. His eyes slid away, too bright and hot like he was staring into the sun. He snorted and gave a one-shouldered shrug.

“It’s because I’m glad you’re still alive at all.” She was definitely crying again, silently, but Sasuke could sense the tears in her voice.

He flinched. His stump twinged in response.

_I was unlucky._

“Sorry.” But he wasn’t, really. He’d been covered in hairline cracks when Itachi had come along with a hammer. It had been surprisingly pleasant to shatter; the strain of holding everything together was gone and he could simply lie in pieces. 

“No, _I’m_ the one that should be sorry. I knew something was wrong the minute I picked you up outside that house. Your face was all blank, but I was so happy you’d even called me in the first place and I was too scared I’d push you further away if I called Tsunade behind your back or made you go to the hospital. The next morning I thought maybe we’d be okay, and then I was all caught up in my own drama with my mom that I missed all the signs-” Sakura buried her head in her hands.    

_There wasn’t anything you could’ve done. I’ve been on this path since the beginning. I was just too busy denying it, burying it under work and school and whisky._

“What happened that was so horrible you couldn’t tell us?” She dissolved, shoulders shaking.  

_You wouldn’t understand._

Sasuke let her cry. There wasn’t anything else he could do; no answers, no assurances that he would be okay.

 

* * *

 

“It was too soon to discharge you. I should’ve listened to my gut but you’re a persuasive little bastard, I’ll give you that. I’m sorry.”

The acrid scent of smoke stung his nostrils, so different from the confusing blend of hospital smells. Sasuke cracked one eye open. Tsunade shifted blurrily into focus. She was sitting on a chair next to him, cigarette dangling from her lips.

“You can’t do that. This is a hospital.” His voice was so rusty from disuse that he didn’t recognize it as his own until Tsunade startled, scattering ashes on the floor. Her eyes widened.

“Are you going to tell on me?”

“What do you want? I’m not in the mood to talk.” Sasuke rubbed his temples. The cigarette fumes were surprisingly irritating. They brought back cloying flashes of gasoline and heat.

She half-heartedly waved at the smoke. “I came to visit one of my patients who’s very sick in the hospital.”

“I don’t feel sick.”

“How do you feel, then?”

Sasuke shrugged. He felt like white noise on an out-of-focus radio station. Like the space left after a lost tooth when he knew he shouldn’t prod at it with his tongue but did anyways and send a dull ache echoing through his whole head.    

“What’s the date?” He asked.

“The twenty-fourth. It’s a Thursday.”

“So Itachi’s dead?”

Tsunade didn’t waver. “Yes. The execution was this morning.”

“Hnn.”

He’d gone to sleep with his brother alive and woken up in a world without him. It was as simple as that. After all those years spent nursing his hatred, anticipating the moment the light would leave his eyes, Itachi had vanished with barely a ripple. The press would fall silent and everyone would move on to the next unspeakable tragedy. 

Sasuke looked past Tsunade to the rain falling softly outside. Itachi had always been fond of gloomy days. He’d curl up with a book, or even just sit by the window and listen with his eyes half-closed.

_Was he able to tell what the weather was like in prison? Did they let him outside?_

“Will there be a funeral?”

Tsunade let out a long breath and scratched the back of her neck. “Well, that’s up to you. You’re the last remaining family. You can choose to make arrangements or have the city take care of the burial. Right now I think we should focus on getting you strong enough to leave the hospital.”

“And go where, back to the Psych Ward?”

“If you were in my position, do you think it would be safe to let you go off on your own? Even after you’re medically stable you’re looking at a long course of rehab for your arm, not to mention the psychological damage you still need to work through.”

_I don’t know if I can. Hell, what’s the point? I don’t give a damn about the company anymore._

Tsunade stood to leave. “I’m not gonna lie, you’ve got a long road ahead of you, kid. However,” a small smile played on her lips, “I think this time around you’ve got people on your side.”

 “What do you mean?” Irritability was fast replacing numbness.

“Some of the flowers on your nightstand are starting to wilt, but others are fresh. That means someone’s been visiting more than once, yeah?”

Sasuke hadn’t noticed the pale yellow blossoms before. They were clustered in a plastic vase just outside his field of vision.

_Sakura._

For the first time since he’d regained consciousness, a lump welled in his throat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last little weenie chapter for a while, I promise! The next ones are going to be much longer, I just felt this was the best place to leave off after all the emotional intensity of the last few chapters.


	18. Chapter 18

The pain in his stump became a constant companion; a constant, deep throb, but every now and then he could feel his palms tingle. Sasuke preferred not to think about it, but in the isolation of his hospital room he didn’t have much choice. He’d taken to leaving the TV on constantly just to have some background noise. Voices other than his own intrusive thoughts, no matter how inane.

That didn’t stop Itachi from showing up in his nightmares with his arms outstretched, blindfolded, pleading. No matter how fast Sasuke ran towards him or how far he reached, Itachi would disappear into a deep, dark hole. Often he’d awaken with fire burning down his shoulder as his left arm strained into the distance trying to grasp with a hand that was no longer there.

The doctors stopped by in the morning to poke and prod. Unlike the psychiatric hospital, everything had a stiff, clinical air of detachment. Sasuke sat still while they unwrapped the bandages, listened to his heart, peeked at the back of his throat. Most questions could be answered with a nod or shake of his head.

They started talking about prosthetics and stockings to mold the stump once it had healed from the initial trauma. Rehabilitation facilities, not for the alcohol use but for re-learning how to tie his shoes and use silverware. Sasuke sat back and let their words drift over him. Hizashi had called the room twice already, both of which he had pointedly ignored.

“Do you have any questions?”

_What am I supposed to do now?_

He shook his head.

As the doctors were leaving in a white-coated flock, Sakura burst in the door. She rested her hands on her knees for a minute, winded. Her hair was rather lank and greasy where it clung to her brow. When she lifted her head to face him, her sunny smile was strained at the corners.

“Nice… to…see…you,” She panted.

“Hnn.”

“I hope you don’t mind, I came right from school.” Sakura set a bulging backpack down on the floor. “AP Chem is the worst.” She kept up a stream of chatter about her day but something was off; dull eyes, hollow cheeks.

“Did you eat breakfast this morning?”

“Huh?”

“Or lunch?”

Sakura squirmed. “I-I’ve had a lot on my mind recently. It’s possible I forgot…”

_She’s falling back into old habits. It’s probably my fault too. How much time did she spend here while I was unconscious?_

“Let’s go to the cafeteria.” Sasuke swung his legs over the side of the bed. He wasn’t sure if he was technically allowed to leave, especially if they’d but him on a bullshit suicide watch, but he figured in this case it would be best to beg for forgiveness rather than ask for permission.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” she blurted out a little too quickly.

“Why not? You need to eat and I’m not so fragile that I-”

“Um I just thought, why don’t we play cards instead? It must be boring here by yourself.” Sakura fished around in her backpack until she withdrew a battered pack. She side-stepped his bed so that she was in front of the window.

Sasuke narrowed his eyes. “Don’t change the subject. Why are you acting so weird?” The pain in his stump was starting to crawl up his shoulder.  

“Me? I-I’m not-”

“Don’t lie to me!” He roared. The sunlight glinted off that stupid bottlecap necklace. “Where’s Naruto? Does this have something to do with him?”

_Why hasn’t he come to visit? Not that I’d miss his loudmouth swaggering up here. I’d never have any peace._

Sakura sighed, defeated. “No. Well, not exactly. I haven’t spoken to him since you…” she trailed off, casting a nervous glance out the window.

“What is it then?”

She pulled back the curtains. Large white vans were pulled up in an aggressive semi-circle around the entrance. Reporters swarmed over the lawn, waving microphones and cameras. The press had arrived like flies to a fresh corpse.

Sasuke swore.

_You can’t handle this on your own anymore. Everybody knows. The Uchiha name, reduced to a footnote of violence and madness. They won’t understand, they can’t. Even with Itachi gone they can still suck him dry._

No wonder Hizashi had been so persistent. Company stocks must be in the toilet by now.

“How long have they been outside?”

“They’ve been following the story ever since the fire.  Some guys with handheld camcorders showed up right after the fire department. I tried to chase them off, but they just laughed at me.”

He stared at her blankly. “Wait, you were there?”

“Of course!” Sakura cried out. “You called me wasted out of your mind talking about how everything was fucked up and you couldn’t fix it, and I got _scared_. You wouldn’t tell me where you were, but I figured you probably went back to your old house,” her brow crinkled. “You don’t remember?”

Sasuke shook his head.

“The whole building was up in flames by the time we got there.”

“We?”

“I brought Naruto along, hoping maybe he could help pull you out of whatever hole you’d fallen in. I called an ambulance right away, but even then your arm was already-” She paused to wipe furiously at her eyes. “But anyways, um. I practically had to tie Naruto up to stop him from running in after you. I think he felt responsible for it somehow. For encouraging you to talk with Itachi. But that might be why he hasn’t visited yet. He’s in a bad place right now. I tried to get him to come, but he’s so stubborn…”

“That’s fine. Don’t force him if he doesn’t want to,” Sasuke spat. He suddenly wanted nothing to do with the blond. If the unflappable Naruto couldn’t stand the sight of his newly warped body…

_I always knew he was all talk._

“Let’s get out of here.” He stumbled on legs weakened from lying in bed for so long, brushing off Sakura’s outstretched hand. Yes, a walk would do him good. Get out of this claustrophobic room that was fast filling up with loss. The white walls absorbed his loneliness and reflected in back at him like a mirror; bare, unfeeling.

Sakura trailed behind him as he stepped out into the corridor with a brisk glance to and fro to make sure no one was around to stop him.

“Where’s the elevator?” Sasuke demanded.

“I really don’t think we should.”

“I’m not afraid of the journalists! Let them come after me, I don’t care,” he snarled. “Everything’s already gone to shit. What more can they do?”

Sakura grasped his hand. He was surprised at how warm and supportive it felt after all the doctor’s bloodless touches.

“How about we compromise? I’ll get something from the vending machine and we can eat in the conference room. I don’t think anyone goes in there unless the doctors have to meet with a family or something.”

Sasuke nodded after a moment’s thought. Even the simple act of standing in the doorway had left him a little lightheaded and shaky. It wouldn’t do to have his legs collapse underneath him on the way to the first floor.

The conference room was a simple space set aside from the bustle of the floor. It contained a long table, several chairs, and a generic painting of a sunset. Sasuke gingerly lowered himself into a seat, biting his lip against a shock of pain as his stump brushed against the armrest.

Sakura plopped down across from him a few minutes later with a bag of nuts and raisins. She popped a handful in her mouth and chewed thoughtfully.

“These are really good. You want some?”

Sasuke was about to refuse, when his stomach growled in protest. The nuts were dry and over-salted but he gave a brief nod of approval.

“Ino got out,” she continued. The bag crinkled as she tightened her grip. “Now all she talks about is losing the weight she gained at the hospital and she wants me to be her fasting buddy again. I don’t want to!” Sakura burst out. “I want to get better, and stop thinking about every bite of food I take, and enjoy things like sharing a snack with you, but I just feel so fat when I’m around her. Like a failure.”

 Sasuke leaned over the table and grabbed her wrist.

“Don’t give up.” _I need someone I can still believe in. Someone who can actually get better._

God, he hated how selfish he was.

“Will you?” Sakura whispered so quietly he almost didn’t hear. Her tone held the faintest whiff of an accusation; _you gave up first. You’re the one that stopped fighting._

He exhaled sharply through his nose.

“No,” he said finally. “But I don’t see why I shouldn’t.”

“Well, I guess we both need to figure that out, don’t we?” Sakura placed her free hand on top of his, which he realized was still gripping her wrist. They sat entwined together, watching the sky turn from blue to pink, until an irate nurse came to order Sasuke back to his room.  

 

* * *

 

After the doctors had finished with morning rounds the next day, Sasuke padded over to the bathroom, drawn to the mirror with the morbid pull of high schooler entering a haunted house on a dare.

_Could be worse,_ he thought as he stared at his reflection. The boy looking back was paler, with stringy hair and cracked lips. The area under his nose was still a little red from the oxygen tubing. All that would change with time and perhaps a bit of sunlight.

Rather, his eyes were drawn to what _wasn’t_ there. The empty space above where his elbow used to be. He angled his body so that the right side faced the mirror. He curled his arm up and back down again. From this point of view, nothing had changed. He was a sickly looking kid, but not someone who you’d stop to stare at on the street.

The left side was a different story. A white lump peeking out of his sleeve. It wiggled around in a gross parody of movement. Sasuke took a deep breath and shimmied out of his hospital gown. The bandage wound crisply around the stump up to his shoulder, then over the back of his neck where it could be anchored under his armpit.

_They wanted me to practice wrapping it up anyway._

With shaking fingers, he slowly worked the gauze away, then the compression sock that was supposed to mold his stump into the proper shape for a prosthesis.

Sasuke stared at himself, bare-chested. An intricate patter of burns bloomed at his collarbone and spread out in all directions, encompassing his back and upper pectoral regions. They were livid shades of pink and red, with raw shiny bits of yellow interspersed. It all culminated with a brilliant blossoming on the stump itself; a crackly brick color. The firework finale.

_Even once it’s fully healed, I’ll be scarred for the rest of my life._

He stared at the wounds harder in an attempt to make that patch of skin feel like his own again. The longer he looked, the more comfortable it was to look at. _Breathe in-_

The telephone rang.

_Hizashi again?_

Tsunade and Sakura always came to visit in person. He didn’t know anyone else who would even have access to the number.

Sasuke replaced his clothes, and made a half-hearted attempt with the bandages. It was a lot harder to do with one hand than he’d expected. Eventually he gave up and left them slung around his neck so he could answer the phone before the constant ringing drove him mad.

“What do you want?” He growled into the mouthpiece. The telephones in the rooms were the old-fashioned corded kind, so he was forced to use it standing next to his bed. His pacing range was severely limited.

Sasuke braced himself for Hizashi snidely telling him the Board had declared him incompetent, that his inheritance was null and void.

_Good. I don’t want any of your blood money._

“Mr. Uchiha? Ben Goulding. I was wondering if-”

_Where have I heard that name before-_ The interview. The one he’d seen at Uchiha Enterprises with Itachi on Death Row. Ben Goulding was the reporter.

“You’re with Channel Two.”

“Yes, we did a piece on your brother before his execution, so we were hoping we could talk to you now. After everything that’s happened, you must have a lot to say. A message to the rest of the world perhaps? Were we wrong in condemning Itachi Uchiha?”

A vein started to pulse in Sasuke’s temple. He could picture Ben with fingers poised over laptop keys, salivating over the story of the decade. The Uchiha Curse. Under all this scrutiny, how long would it take for the company’s misdeeds to be revealed?

“I do have a message, actually. Leave me the fuck alone.” Sasuke slammed the receiver down, then unplugged the machine for good measure.

_That could come back to bite me in the ass._

He found that he didn’t care at all.

 

* * *

 

His body was getting stronger, the open wounds slowly scabbing over. The doctors told him that some parts would never fully heal, that the nerve damage from the burns would make him unable to feel in certain spots and feel too much in others. They also warned him about phantom limb pain, which was already keeping him up at night with the sensation that something was crushing a hand which wasn’t there.

He stopped counting the days and started counting by Sakura’s visits, which were usually the only thing that broke away from the unending monotony of the hospital.

Hizashi finally made an appearance in a suit the color of dried blood. He carried a slim briefcase from which he procured a sheaf of papers and a gold pen.

“The Board has decided that you are unfit to lead the company. I’m here offering you the courtesy of stepping down before we take legal action. Of course you’re perfectly able to contest the decision; I merely assumed you’d prefer to settle this quickly and quietly.”

Sasuke stared at the man who was trying to get him to sign away his future.

_It’s not worth fighting over. Itachi wanted me to be free from all of this._ His stomach had settled somewhere in the vicinity of his vocal cords.

“Tell me one thing first. Was what Itachi said- about the corruption and bribery- was that true?”

Hizashi cocked his head, surveyed him with an unblinking, Lizard-like gaze. “Yes. I can assure you, however, that I intend to keep the reputation of Uchiha Enterprises unsullied by-”

Sasuke had prepared himself for the answer but it still left him winded and dizzy. The final nail in the coffin.

“Then why bother with all the niceties? You have everything you want, why don’t you just take it?” The company and Itachi were pulling violently in different directions like he was the rope in a game of tug-of-war. Soon he’d be torn in two.

_Who cares what Itachi would’ve wanted- you need something to fight for_. The one remaining connection he had to his roots, his family.

_A life that wasn’t real._

Hizashi frowned. “Perhaps you need more time to consider this offer?” He set the packet down on the bedside table with a small rustle.

“I don’t think I need to remind you of the time-sensitive nature of this matter. The stockholders are anxious, and frankly so is the Board. The Uchiha name will remain in good hands. You can still salvage your family’s legacy,” he added in an undertone as he bowed his head.  

_Fuck the stockholders. Fuck you and your smug ass sitting in my father’s place._

“I’ll be in touch. Take a week or two to think it over. After that, I’ll need an answer.”

Sasuke clenched his fist under the blankets to keep from crumpling the papers into teeny tiny pieces and throwing them back in Hizashi’s face. He didn’t look up or dare to breathe until he heard the sharp click of the man’s footsteps recede down the hallway.   


	19. Chapter 19

The members of the press were becoming more and more insatiable. More than once Sasuke had heard a ruckus outside his door as a nurse chased away some rubbernecker with a notepad pretending to be a long-lost relative. Then there was the guy he’d come face-to-face with outside his window after he’d pulled the curtains back one morning. He was perched on the sill, camera in hand like an ungainly bird of prey. Sasuke had resisted the temptation to give him a good shove, but only barely. He didn’t leave the room or raise the blinds after that.

_Why can’t they get tired and go home? The circus is over._

Tsunade found him in the dark, sitting with his knees pulled up to his chest. The TV was off. Too much babble on the news.

“I found you a sponsor.”

Sasuke hissed as she flung the curtains wide and casually scratched her nose with her middle finger in full view of anyone who might have been lurking on the front lawn.

“What-” his mind was too jumbled to think of a snarky comment so he resorted to squinting dumbly at the influx of light.   

“You know what that is, don’t you?”

“I’m not in a 12-step program. And I haven’t had any headaches or shakiness since I got here. I just…” Sasuke trailed off into stubborn silence.

“I think you and I both know there’s more to it than that,” she said brusquely. “Abuse and addiction aren’t simply categorized by physical symptoms. There’s a loss of control, a vicious cycle of dependence that keeps getting worse until things have completely spiraled out of hand. Don’t you think you’ve maybe hit that point already?”

Sasuke didn’t need to answer.

“The mental and emotional dependence is usually the hardest to overcome. We can’t give you a pill to fix your coping methods, which is good because I’d be out of a job.” Tsunade gave him a wry smile. “Long story short, I think it’d be good for you to get outside for a bit, talk to someone who might understand what you’re going through on a more personal level than I can. Someone who’s beaten their own demons.” She dangled an unlit cigarette lazily from her fingertips while she scrutinized his face.

“Why don't they come see me in here?” He cast a wary glance at the window. Tsunade was obscuring his view so he couldn’t make out how large the crowd was.

“He doesn’t do hospitals.”

“So what, you’re lying to him?”

“I wouldn’t call it that,” Tsunade responded, peevishly. “He also said he doesn’t do kids, but you’re more of a _teenager_ , really.”

“Fine,” Sasuke ground out. It was better than sitting around by himself with Hizashi’s ultimatum hanging over his head, the papers staring at him accusingly wherever he went. Maybe now he’d have something to share when Sakura visited.

“Here. Get changed. I’ll wait for you out in the hallway.” Tsunade tossed a bundle of clothing at him. “I only eyeballed your size. Hope everything fits.”

_How long has she been planning this?_ He thought with a small flare of resentment, but gathered up the items (plain black t-shirt, khakis) and headed to the bathroom.

 

* * *

 

Sasuke surreptitiously wiped a sweaty palm on the seat of his pants as he shadowed Tsunade down the hall. She moved with brisk, purposeful strides; head-up, staring down anyone who might dare challenge her. He wondered for the hundredth time if what they were doing was sanctioned by the hospital, or even legal.

_Should I be wearing a disguise? That might actually make it easier to avoid reporters…_

His stump felt oddly exposed outside of the baggy hospital gown and framed in the crisp, short sleeve of the t-shirt. He fought to keep his good arm at his side, resisted the urge to cover it with his hand.

They made it down the elevator and across the crowded cafeteria without incident. Rather than going through the main lobby however, Tsunade abruptly swerved down a corridor with a red arrow pointing towards the Emergency Department.

“I parked out back here. Better to avoid questions,” she said as Sasuke barely avoided crashing into her.

_I can imagine the headline: Crazy Therapist Kidnaps Troubled Youth- The Uchiha Saga Continues._

Thankfully the parking lot was empty save for a couple ambulances and a few really nice cars he assumed belonged to doctors. Tsunade’s was definitely an exception.

“Just shove that stuff on the floor,” she instructed as she hopped behind the wheel of a mangy pickup truck.

Sasuke gingerly moved the stack of files and empty soda cans off the passenger seat so he could sit down. The interior smelled like one giant smoke cloud mixed with stale grease. He tried to breathe through his mouth.

After a couple false starts and a lot of cursing, the engine finally turned over and they were on their way. Sasuke slouched down as they peeled out of the parking lot, just in case any curious members of the press had decided to canvas the neighborhood.

Tsunade lit the cigarette dangling from her mouth.

“Can I have one or are you cutting me off smoking too?” The sun was out, and the fresh air whipping past made him bold. His nerves were buzzing from an unnamed danger, the sense of the unknown. His hospital room was lost in the rearview mirror.

She proffered the pack after a moment’s hesitation. “One vice at a time. I doubt this one’ll kill you as fast.”

Sasuke snorted derisively. He fumbled one-handed with the lighter until he finally coaxed out a flame.

“Trying to drink myself to death was a stupid idea.”

“Oh yeah?”

“I’m not a coward.”

Tsunade made an affirmative noise in the back of her throat. Sasuke took a long drag and watched the wind whisk the smoke out the window. He’d said the right thing, now the trick was getting himself to believe it.

_Big talk but what are you going to do about the papers Hizashi left for you? You’re still trying to run away, you just don’t know what direction this time._

 

* * *

 

Sasuke had barely finished his cigarette by the time Tsunade clumsily parallel parked and motioned for him to get out of the car.

“This is it?”

A peeling yellow house, chain-link fence stretching across the driveway. He could only assume it encircled a miniscule backyard, as other equally dilapidated houses crowded in on all sides, leaning in as if to share a secret. Somewhere, a dog barked.

“Seems real safe.” His voice dripped with sarcasm.

Tsunade merely made her way up the cracked and weedy sidewalk to pound on the door with her fist. Sasuke followed reluctantly. Inside, the volume of barking increased with every knock until it reached a wild, whimpering crescendo. Just as Sasuke was about to suggest they leave before the dogs all hyperventilated to death, the door opened a crack and a jaundiced eye peered out.

“What do you want?”

“You’re even late for your own guests, I see,” Tsunade drawled.

The eye vanished and Sasuke heard the sound of a lock being undone, and a chain sliding out of the way.

“We’re not going to get much done if you stay out on the porch like that.”

Tsunade nudged him forward. Sasuke shot her an accusatory glance before he edged his way in towards the mysterious voice.

 

* * *

 

A man stood in the exact center of the narrow entryway with his arms folded. Even so, his shoulders brushed the walls. Sasuke squinted in the dim interior, but couldn’t make out much more than shadows. Much more obvious was the musty smell of dogs and old carpet.

“I told you no kids.”

“Kakashi, please-”

“I’ll be eighteen this summer,” Sasuke muttered hotly, tired of standing around listening to people talk over his head like he wasn’t even there.

The man made a disgruntled noise in the back of his throat.

“One session, that’s all I’m asking. If you don’t want to see either of us after that, fine. You know I wouldn’t ask this of you unless I really needed your help.”

“I let my license lapse years ago. Nothing I can do, sorry. Have a nice day.” He made a shoo-ing motion with his hand. Sasuke squinted into the gloom but still couldn’t get a good look at his face- his voice was devoid of emotion, so was he angry? Amused? Irritated?

Tsunade sucked in her cheeks and crossed her arms over her chest. “What if I get you that damn autograph?”

“Oh?” The man leaned forward.

“Maybe I know a guy who knows the guy who writes those shitty books you like,” she gritted out, staring at the ground.

 “One session. Come back in an hour.”

Sasuke gaped openmouthed as Tsunade backed out the door. A plea for her to stay died on his lips.

_Get a hold of yourself. Grin and bear it for one hour and then you’ll never have to see this creep again- she said it herself. It’s not like he’s going to fix all my problems in that span of time, so what’s the point?_

The man was ambling down the hallway with his hands in his pockets so Sasuke followed, nearly tripping over a sleeping shih tzu in the process. They arrived in a kitchen that was surprisingly tidy given the condition of the house. A bare bulb revealed yellowed, peeling linoleum and an ancient refrigerator that was held together with duct tape. Another dog, a golden retriever this time, gave a muted _woof_ at the sight of him, but otherwise didn’t move from his spot by the back door.

_What the hell is Tsunade playing at?_

Sasuke turned his attention to the man, who was rummaging around in one of the cupboards without giving him a second glance. He was of average height and build, with silvery hair and a steely expression that belied his youthful appearance. One eye was hidden behind a black patch from which a spiderweb of scars peeked.

“I’m Kakashi,” he said in the same dry, expressionless voice he’d used earlier.

“Sasuke.”

He proceeded to pull out a frying pan and some oil without ever acknowledging that he’d even heard. Sasuke leaned awkwardly against the counter as the man chopped a green herb that smelled like it belonged in a pizza parlor, and tried not to stare too obviously at the clock above the oven.

“Well, I assume Tsunade wanted you to come here for a reason,” Kakashi finally sighed as he plopped a handful of ground beef in the pan.

“It wasn’t to watch you cook,” he scoffed.

“Then what was it?”

“It’s been all over the news.”

“Don’t have a TV,” Kakashi grunted.

“Or a paper?”

“Delivery guys aren’t fond of this place for some reason.”

Sasuke thought back to the cacophony of barking and the seedy neighborhood and couldn’t decide if the man was joking or not. Either way, he was a pain in the ass and the conversation was going nowhere.

“How about you just make your lunch or whatever and I’ll stand here and we can both tell Tsunade we had a damn life-affirming discussion?”

“Oh this isn’t for me,” Kakashi poke the mass of meat with a spatula and the golden retriever’s ears pricked up. “However,” he tilted his head, “as much as I find your proposition tempting, the fact that you’re offering to bore yourself in an old man’s kitchen rather than have a little chat tells me you might actually have something interesting to say. And Tsunade, while… eccentric, is no slouch. If she’s having trouble with you,” he clapped his hands together, “I can’t resist.”

_Talk about the pot calling the kettle black._

“Where to begin…” Kakashi scratched his chin. “I suppose you could tell me the normal, traumatized childhood stuff. But that gets so dull after a while.” He turned back to the stove.

Sasuke felt his blood begin to boil. This guy had the nerve to not only waste his time, but to make light of the situation as if what he’d been through was a joke; another kid whining about how his parents were too hard on him, or didn’t give him enough hugs.

“My older brother murdered the rest of my family when I was seven. I walked in on him holding a knife-”

“Is that how you lost your arm?”

“What- no,” Sasuke huffed, momentarily disoriented. Kakashi hadn’t batted an eyelash.

“I assume that comes later. My mistake. Carry on.”

“Er, h-he was executed for what he did. But I guess the company my father ran was corrupt and…” he trailed off.

“Ahhh, I see,” Kakashi said neutrally, in a tone that suggested he didn’t really see at all but was attempting to humor Sasuke. He scooped the ground beef into a large pan and set it on the floor. Immediately, the sound of nails clicking on wood and excited shuffling could be heard throughout the house.

“Y-you don’t know the whole story!” Sasuke was forced to raise his voice as a small tidal wave of dogs of all shapes and sizes streamed into the kitchen and began vying for the food. How could he act like this wasn’t a big deal?

“Outside!” Kakashi called over the din.   

They waded through the writhing mass of fur to a postage stamp-sized back porch. The lawn was slightly overgrown but at least seemed free of dog turds. The barking faded into the background as Kakashi shut the door.

Sasuke, at a loss for what to do since he couldn’t cross his arms, leaned against the house.

“What I’m hearing so far is that your brother, older I assume since he seems to have had some sort of mentoring influence over you, ruined your life so in order to get back at him you’re ruining your own life?”

Heat rose in his cheeks.

“That’s not it at all! I don’t see why Tsunade made me come here in the first place, just to listen to a bitter old man talk. You don’t know anything about me. How could you understand what it’s like? What I’ve been through? I’ve lost _everything_ \- my family, my company,” _My friends_ , he added to himself as Naruto’s grin wavered before him, then vanished.

“Have you heard the story of Sakumo Hatake?” Kakashi asked coolly.

Sasuke stopped his tirade, perplexed. The name jogged something faint in his memory; a lurid book cover at the library, snatches of stories whispered on the playground.

“He was a politician who went crazy and killed himself on the steps of City Hall, so what?”

Kakashi’s face hardened. “It’s a true story, though not that version of it exactly. Sakumo was a crusader against government corruption, so you can imagine he made a lot of enemies both in and outside of politics. A scandal broke that he’d had… inappropriate relations with an intern who conveniently worked for one of his biggest rivals. A man of principle and honor became an object of public ridicule. It destroyed his career, his family. The shame ate away at him until eventually he couldn’t take it anymore. The location of his suicide was a final, desperate act of protest. I think he hoped such an act would clear his name, but it only managed to sully him further.”

“How do you know all that?”

“I’m his son.”

Sasuke’s stomach plummeted to his toes. He wondered if he’d have to have his head surgically removed from his ass.

“I’m sor-”

“So anyway, I tried to follow his lead in a fit of adolescent passion a few years later but,” Kakashi gestured to the eyepatch, “it didn’t quite go as planned. So I’m going to ask you again: the drinking, the self-destruction, is this a twisted way to get revenge on those who hurt you?”

Sasuke bit his tongue. The love for Itachi he’d felt as a child sat swollen and hot under a mass of scar tissue in his heart. He’d buried it deep where it had stayed putrescing out of sight until Itachi had gone and opened up a fresh wound.

And yet…

He’d spent his whole life insisting that he’d crawl out from Itachi’s shadow, that his life would fall into place as soon as he inherited Uchiha Enterprises, all the while he’d been carrying his brother around on his back. Sasuke couldn’t reconcile the gentle, loving older sibling and the coldblooded killer. He wasn’t sure if he could forgive either of them.

“I wanted to forget,” he finally ground out from a throat made of broken glass.

“Ahh. And did you?”

“For a while.”

“What about now?”

Sasuke looked down at his clenched palm. Even the memories of happier times with his family were worthless. A cold comfort knowing of the darkness that lurked in every corner of their smiles, the falsity.

“I don’t have anything worth remembering anymore.”

Kakashi heaved a sigh. “I guess I really can’t help you then. Those hell-bent on seeking destruction will find a way, no matter how carefully they’re guided.”

“I don’t need anyone’s help!” Sasuke snapped. “I can get this back under control by myself. I don’t need you butting in.”

“That’s where you’re dead wrong.” For the first time, he heard true anger in the man’s voice. “You’re an arrogant little brat now, but in a few years you’ll be puking in a gutter wondering where your life went wrong and you’ll blame it on everyone and everything else but yourself.” He laughed; a bitter, hollow sound.

“Still can’t see it huh? Christ, you lose an _arm_ and you still think you haven’t hit rock bottom yet. You aren’t in control anymore! The disease is, and if you keep listening to it you’ll wind up in a body bag before you hit twenty-five. I’ve seen your type before,” he scoffed, one hand on the doorknob. “This is why I quit,” he muttered half to himself. “Tsunade can kiss my ass the next time she tries to bring someone around here again.”

Sasuke slowly slid down the wall until he was sitting on the porch, gradually buckling and folding in on himself. 

_I can’t keep doing this._

Was he going to give up after all the hell he’d been through? Was he going to let Sakura down, have her watch him slowly regress until she broke down too?

_Naruto’d never let that happen. Fuck it._

Sasuke scrambled to his feet.

“Kakashi!” he shouted at the window, “I don’t know if you’re listening in there, but fuck you. I’m not going to be another goddamn sob story. I’ll-I’ll come back another day and I won’t stop ringing your doorbell until you let me in.”

Without waiting for a reply, he let himself out the side gate.

 

* * *

 

Tsunade pulled up a few minutes later.

“How’d the session go? You're sitting on the curb, so I'm assuming you got kicked out?”

Sasuke felt like he’d been through an emotional boxing match and come out on the losing end. His defenses were scattered, his priorities scrambled, not to mention he’d just employed the Naruto method of trying to out-stubborn his opponent by sheer stubbornness. He wanted nothing more than to go back his hospital room and sleep for a hundred years.

“Nah, it's fine. I'm gonna schedule another appointment."

Tsunade's eyebrows climbed up to her hairline, but she left it at that. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew that was a monster chapter (by my low standards, anyway). Kakashi was originally going to take on Tsunade's role as Sasuke's therapist, but I decided against it and ever since then I've been looking for a way to work him into the story since he's one of my favorite characters. Hope you enjoy my slightly harsher take on him! As always, reviews and kudos' are the best <3 
> 
> On a different note, since this chapter wound up being so long, I've actually caught up to myself in terms of what I've written vs. what I've posted, so the next one might be slightly delayed, sorry! Rest assured I'll be working as fast as I can.


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for being patient! (Ironically I had this chapter more or less finished on time, but my work schedule has been so ridiculous I haven't had time to make a few minor adjustments and actually post the darn thing). Okay so this chapter is like 90% fluff, but I feel like everyone deserves a little break after all that angst, right?

He was declared medically stable three days later. With no active psychosis or suicidal ideation, he was released with very little fanfare or fuss, only instructions to continue to follow up with Tsunade and a hospital-appointed social worker.

For the first time in over a month, Sasuke found himself facing his empty apartment. A thin film of dust had gathered on the bookshelf, cloaking his old textbooks in their orderly rows. The kitchen smelled vaguely sour. Sasuke avoided the refrigerator, no doubt full of rancid food, and poured himself a glass of water. His foot clinked against something that rolled across the floor.

An empty liquor bottle from the fateful night Itachi’s letter had arrived. It had lain there undisturbed all this time. Like an archeologist seeking new relics, Sasuke moved on to the bathroom. Sure enough, the medicine cabinet was still ajar. An empty bottle of aspirin rested in the sink. He picked it up and worried the label with his thumb.

_I should move out._

The whole place had the stifled, airless feeling of a tomb. The hair on the back of his neck prickled.

_Like walking over my own grave._

Sasuke dropped the bottle with a clatter and backed out swiftly. He was thankful the sun hadn’t set yet, but the lengthening shadows in his apartment still cast a creepy pall over the rooms. He stopped to listen for a moment, as if he could hear his own ghost drift past.

_Sakura. I should invite her over for dinner. It’d only be fair after she let me stay at her place. I should return the favor._

While he waited for her to respond to his text, Sasuke went about scrubbing down every nook and cranny; anything to make a little noise so as not to feel so alone.

Sakura: THEY LET YOU OUT OF THE HOSPITAL?! WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME!

Sakura: But I’d love to!!! I’m meeting up w/Ino and friends later though so I can’t stay super long.

Sakura: Actually you should come. It’ll be fun. We can all celebrate :)

His first reaction was to wholeheartedly refuse, but the thought of spending even more time by himself in the empty apartment was even less appealing.

Sasuke: ok. Come at six.

He had just finished giving his address and directions when a small flutter of panic ran through him. He had enough time to buy groceries and cook _or_ exorcise whatever monstrosity was growing in the fridge, not both. Sasuke’s eyes flicked to the take-out menus taped to the door. Pizza would have to do.

 

* * *

 

The biggest advantage to being back in his old place was a closet full of clothes. Ones that still fit despite the weight he’d lost in the hospital. He slipped on a t-shirt that someone had once told him matched his eyes, careful to avoid anything with the Uchiha Enterprises logo on it.

He missed the warmth of Sakura’s room. With the soft colors and scraps of memories tucked into the corners, it had personality. His was more like a prison cell than anything else.

The doorbell rang, and Sasuke hastened to buzz Sakura in. She stood reverently on his doorstep, as if this was somehow a magical moment.

“So… this is your place, huh?” She laughed nervously, still hesitating outside.

“Yeah. Come in.” _It’s nothing special._

“Well, are you going to give me a tour?” Sakura asked after several minutes of standing awkwardly in the entryway.

Sasuke huffed and showed her around the rooms as briefly as possible. He didn’t have any interesting stories or objects to point out, so he shuffled her through like a tour guide trying to clock out on time. To her credit, Sakura kept a neutral face and smiled appreciatively whenever he made an agitated about-face to make sure she was still following him.

They ended in the kitchen, with Sasuke stretching on his tip-toes to reach the slightly nicer plates in the cabinet above the sink.

“Oooh Leonardi’s Express. You sure know how to treat a girl,” Sakura smirked when she saw the pizza box on the table.

“Shut up,” Sasuke grumbled before he could stop himself, but Sakura merely laughed.

“I’m teasing.” She gave his shoulder a squeeze that sent sparks racing to his fingertips and almost caused him to drop the dishes.  “You know Ino’s going to be worse, right?”

“Can’t wait.”

Sakura began to poke around various drawers, shyly at first but then gaining confidence. She dug out some utensils and set the table while Sasuke filled glasses with water. The process took a lot longer with only one arm, and involved the precarious step of turning off the faucet with the hand holding the cup. Fortunately Sakura didn’t try to intervene from her perch on a stool- the only other functional seating Sasuke could find outside of the living room armchair.

 _The last time we sat down to eat together like this, Itachi was still alive,_ he thought with a pang. He covered any trepidation by dropping a piece of pizza on Sakura’s plate with a cheesy slap.

“Thanks, umm this is really nice. I’m glad you invited me.”

_You don’t need to be polite._

She coughed. “So, how are you holding up? Getting discharged and having to come back here, that’s rough.”

“I don’t want to talk about that right now. Can we just uh, enjoy the evening?”

Sakura’s cheeks turned a delicate shade of pink. “Does that mean this is a date?”

Sasuke nearly spat out his first bite.

“Kidding, kidding!”

 

* * *

 

The meeting place for Sakura and her friends turned out to be Mr. Monsanto’s Funland; a carnival which swung through town for a couple weeks every year before moving on to the next stop on the circuit.

Sasuke fidgeted as they pulled into the gravel parking lot. This was starting to feel more and more like a legitimate “date” with every passing moment.

_She was just joking! Why are you getting so hot under the collar about it?_

He snuck a glance at Sakura. She was scanning the line at the ticket booth, lips slightly parted in a look of absentminded concentration. He fought the sudden, irrational urge to run the pad of this thumb over her mouth.

Sasuke shook his head. A pathetic daydream. One he had no right to entertain in his current state. It would be unfair to both of them, doomed to fail from the start, an exercise in futility…

“Well? Are you coming?” Sakura blew out a long sigh. “I know Ino isn’t your favorite person in the world, but I think the two of you could at least learn to get along! And err, the rest of the gang is eager to meet you too.”

_Eager to meet me, or eager to meet the suicidal arsonist freak from the newspapers?_

He trailed after her under a sun-bleached sign for the ticket counter, though he insisted on paying for the two of them despite Sakura’s protests. He even sprang for an all-day rides bracelet just to see her eyes light up.

As they finished paying, Ino waved them over to a booth at the beginning of the games alley. She was softer around the edges, the valley of her cheekbones filled in. She was still by no means a large person but she held herself uncomfortably, as if her skin were stretched too tight.

She embraced Sakura, all the while shooting daggers at Sasuke. He turned to face the booth and pretended to examine the enormous stuffed teddy bears awaiting whoever could land a ring around a slender glass bottle.

“Do you think he’ll even show?” Ino muttered with a smirk. Sakura responded with a whisper behind her hand, and they both giggled. Sasuke shuffled his feet in the dirt and tried to ignore them harder.

“The fuck are you looking at?” he snarled at the attendant, who was staring at him. The teen hurriedly looked elsewhere.

_I should just go back and wait in the car. Better than ending up a goddamn sideshow act._

A buzzer sounded further down the lane. Lights sparkled up and down the booth in a dizzying display. Sasuke rubbed his temples and turned back to Sakura to ask if her other friends were planning on showing up anytime soon when he froze.

Naruto was marching from the ticket counter with Hinata in tow.

“Did you-” he hissed at Sakura. Her head snapped up, and when she saw what he was referring to, she faltered.

“I-I thought you guys should t-”

But Naruto spotted them first. His jaw dropped and the color drained from his face. His expression was so exaggerated that it could be comical, were it not for the deathly pallor that accompanied it. Hinata tugged on his sleeve, but that didn’t seem to register. He took a step back, then ran in the opposite direction.

 

* * *

 

Sasuke sprinted after him without thinking. He blew past a bewildered Hinata. Sakura’s pleas for the two of them to stop and wait blended with the wind thrumming in his ears.

His feet churned the earth into dust. The only thing he could see was a flash of orange ahead of him in the crowd.

_Why?_

_Why didn’t you visit?_

_Why didn’t you tag along with Sakura and pester me to play board games or prank the nurses or crack stupid jokes?_

_I was the one who was supposed to walk out of your life, not the other way around._

Lungs burning, Sasuke put on an extra burst of speed, reached out and managed to snatch Naruto’s wrist before he stumbled, nearly dragging them both down.

“What the fuck-”

“Watch it, bastard!”

They both stood for a minute, panting. Sasuke still held Naruto’s arm clenched in his fist. Now that he had him, he wasn’t sure what to do. Shouting seemed like a good option, though there was something to be said for a solid punch to the face. A small, weak part of him wanted to cry. Fortunately Naruto saved him the trouble by speaking first.

“What the hell is wrong with you?”

_Where do I start?_

The snarky reply died on Sasuke’s lips as he noticed the other boy’s shoulders start to shake.

“W-we were there for you! Me an’ Sakura- we woulda done _anything_ , you knew that right? We cared about you and you just went an’… an’ tried to throw that all away. Did you think about us at all? How we might feel if you were gone? That we’d m-miss you, you dumb fucking-” tears were streaming down his cheeks, along with a ropey string of snot.

Sasuke was once again floored by Naruto’s ability to completely miss the point and yet respond with such raw emotional honesty.

“Is that why you never showed up while I was in the hospital?” He said sharply. “Because if so, then it’s pretty rich that you’re accusing me of trying to abandon you.”

“That’s not the same thing!” Naruto snarled. “Don’t you get it? When me ‘n Sakura showed up at your place, we thought we were watching you _die_. All the smoke ‘n firemen ‘n shit… The worst part is i-if I’d gotten there sooner maybe uhh your arm wouldn’tve gotten all fucked up.” He looked away.

 “So what, your hero complex got hurt and now it hurts to be around me because I’m a cripple?” Sasuke gave him a weak shove, daring him to hit back, to start a fight.

“I thought you didn’t care about me anymore.” Naruto’s voice was a hoarse whisper. He suddenly seemed very small. A boy, lost and unloved as a child, who had built his own family through sheer willpower only to have it fall apart around him.   

_I cared so much I couldn’t stand it._

“I’m sorry.” Sasuke felt his anger ebb, replaced with an empty sort of exhaustion.

“You really felt so bad you thought we couldn’t help you?”

Sasuke rubbed his left shoulder around the bandages. “Just because you’re determined to do something doesn’t mean you can make it happen no matter what. The world doesn’t work that way.” _Nothing you could say would’ve saved me from myself._

Naruto scrunched up his face like he was going to protest, but then hung his head.

“’M sorry for being a shitty friend.”

“Yeah well we’re both shitty people so,” Sasuke smirked.

“Speak for yourself, dickhead!” The other boy yelped. “Don’t think I’m gonna let you off easy, you gotta grovel and buy me an’ Hinata cotton candy an-”

“There you are!” Sakura wormed her way through the crowd, Hinata and Ino in tow. A trickle of sweat rolled down her forehead. She wiped it away impatiently without taking her eyes off the two boys, as if she was afraid they would break out in violence any minute.

Hinata had flushed a dangerous shade of red, whether from exertion, holding back tears, or both, Sasuke could only guess.

Ino cracked her chewing gum and looked vaguely bored. “You guys done having your bro-ment or whatever?”

Sakura shot her a glare. “Everything’s okay?” Her hands hovered like she wanted to grab them check them over for injuries.

“Of course!” Naruto grinned. “What, you thought I couldn’t take him? I- I’m just kidding, Hinata,” he hastened to add as she let out a little gasp. He threw a comforting arm around her. “I didn’t mean’ta worry you,” he whispered in her ear. Hinata nodded and gave him a tentative little smile.

Sasuke stared at the ground, away from Sakura’s searching gaze. He cleared his throat. “We don’t need to waste any more time. Let’s go check out the carnival.”

“Thank you!”

_I can’t believe I’m agreeing with Ino for once._

 

* * *

 

They stumbled off the roller coaster, breathless and disheveled.

“Again!” Hinata’s pale eyes were shining bright with excitement. She clutched a purple stuffed sheep Naruto had won for her by popping three out of five balloons with darts.

“Hell yeah! This time let’s sit in the front so we can get the best drop,” he high-fived her free hand.

Sasuke winced. His stump was throbbing fiercely from the constant jostling.

“I think I’ll sit this one out. I’ve had enough thrills for now,” Sakura said. “How about I order us something to eat, that way it’ll be ready when the ride’s over?”

“Yer a genius!”

“Hey Sasuke, want to help me carry everything?” she nudged him with her hip.

He nodded, grateful for a way out. Only Ino raised an eyebrow, but she followed Naruto and Hinata to the back of the line.

They walked in silence for a while, arms almost brushing but not quite. Lights twinkled up and down the midway. Sasuke breathed in the heady scent of fried food and sugar, with the tang of many bodies pressed together underlying it all.

“Are you alright? It looked like your arm was bothering you back there.”

“It’s not too bad.”

“Do you want to leave? I could say I’ve got a big test tomorrow.”

“No, this is… nice.”

Sakura smiled, her face lit in a multi-colored glow. “I’m glad!”

“Well where should we eat? I know Naruto wanted corndogs,” he made a face as he scanned the stalls for something that wasn’t quite so disgusting.

“Actually,” Sakura shuffled her feet. “I was wondering if maybe you wanted to ride the Ferris wheel first? I bet they won’t care we’re gone! They’ll just hop on again and we can tell them we got lost or that the food took a long time.”

“Sure.”

The Ferris wheel stood in the center of the carnival, a white-coated monolith presiding over the festivities below. Sakura tugged him into a gondola under the apathetic eye of a ride operator. Sasuke sat down quickly before he lost his balance at the gentle swaying.

As they rose into the air, he could see the whole midway laid out before him; the ant-like crawl of people heading back to their cars after a long day in the sun, the flashing red-and-yellow of The Speed Demon as it roared into the coming night.

Sakura let out a content sigh and pressed her head against his shoulder. Sasuke’s heart rate doubled.

_Easy, easy._

He fumbled for her hand and she laced his fingers around his.

Under an inky sky that was beginning to speckle through with stars, Hizashi’s impending ultimatum, the media frenzy, and his murky, uncertain future seemed very far away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bucket_of_cats amde some fantastic fanart of the last scene. Check it out: http://spookbum.tumblr.com/post/146949104513/based-off-of-the-cutest-scene-in


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoooeee sorry about the wait, folks. Writer's block kicked my ass on this one. Thank RedbeardtheNotPirate for digging me out of my hole (and being an amazing beta, as always). Are you ready for more awkward bonding and lots of snark? I hope so, because Kakashi's back.

It took two different buses and a solid half hour of walking before he found Kakashi’s house again. Sasuke hesitated on the porch. He could still turn back and keep his pride intact. He could return to his apartment, try and muddle through by himself and their encounter would be nothing more than an awkward memory.

_"Those hell-bent on seeking destruction will find a way, no matter how carefully they’re guided.”_

_No. I won’t back down. I won’t let anything else control me- not Itachi, not the company, not the booze._

He sucked a breath in through his teeth.

_Here goes nothing._

Sasuke rang the doorbell and waited. No answer, save for the barking. After the twelfth ring, he started pounding on the door with his fist, and a few minutes after that resorted to kicking it once his hand got sore.

“Goddamnit Kakashi, what do you want from me?”

“You could wait until I’m home, for one.”

Sasuke whipped around. The silver-haired man was standing on the sidewalk with a bag of groceries in one hand and two leashes wrapped around the other. His lips were quirked up in a faint look of amusement.

_How long has he been standing there?_

“I’m shocked you came back,” Kakashi said with a maddening lack of inflection as he let them in. “You seem more like the stubborn type.”

He shrugged when Sasuke didn’t answer. “Help me put these away.”

Sasuke bristled, but took the bag with as much grace as he could manage.

_What’s he up to? He’s so casual about the fact that I showed up on his doorstep without warning. It’s like he’s not even surprised._

Sasuke groaned inwardly.

_Was that whole “you’re hopeless get out of my house” speech a ruse? Had he planned this all along?_

He seethed silently down the hallway. Once they reached the kitchen, he dropped the bag on the table, but Kakashi motioned for him to pick it up again.

“I said, help me put these away.”

Sasuke complied, though he had to take extra steps to put down what he was holding and open cabinets before shelving them when he would have once thoughtlessly opened them with his other hand. As a whole it was a frustrating process, but he was determined not to lose his temper this time. He snuck a glance at Kakashi, waiting for the man to speak, but he continued his task in a placid, unhurried manner.

Finally, he couldn’t take it any longer.

“Aren’t you going to say something?”

“Well, courtesy dictates that I respond to your question, so technically… yes. I already am.”

Sasuke snorted. “Helpful.” 

“Why don’t you start?”

He gritted his teeth. “I already tried to tell you.”

“How about we start with why you came back to see me in the first place? You were clearly very upset when you left. Some counselors would say my breaking down our relationship would only trap you in an endless cycle of overexamining it... but the truth is you were going to do that anyway, am I right?." Kakashi settled himself onto a stool. Sasuke realized he was no longer working on the groceries, so he put down the can of soup he was holding.

“I’m not a hopeless case,” he huffed.

Kakashi’s one visible eyebrow raised. “And you want me to validate that for you? What if I told you that I think this has less to do with me and more to do with the fact that now that your brother’s dead you don’t have anyone to compare yourself to. You aren’t sure whether or not you’re doing a “good job” because you don’t have a baseline for his achievements. He’ll never accomplish any more, and yet here you are with your whole life ahead of you and you don’t know what to do with it.”

Sasuke felt his ears redden. He’d stuffed Hizashi’s paperwork in his desk underneath his high school diploma, but that had done nothing to ease the encroaching sense of dread as days passed without a decision.

“The Board of my father’s company wants me to resign. They don’t think I’m competent to inherit it once I turn eighteen. Not after everything that’s happened.”

“Ahh.” Kakashi put his hands behind his head and tipped back on two chair legs.

“But that’s what I’ve been working towards since I was a little kid!” Sasuke slammed his hand on the counter. “Even before Itachi, that was my dream. Besides, Itachi told me the business was dirty before he died. Shouldn’t I be the one to fix it?” _It’s all I have left of my family now._

He braced himself for a sarcastic reply, but the white-haired man was scrutinizing him closely.

_If he says “admitting you need help is the first step to recovery,” so help me…._

“Put that can in the cupboard. You haven’t finished putting everything away yet.”

“What? No. I didn’t come here to help out the elderly.”

“See now you have two options: You could argue with me back and forth until we’re both blue in the face, and in the end I would win because this is my house, or you could do as I say just to get it over with. Then we’d be able to move on to more productive endeavors.”

“Or I could leave,” Sasuke muttered.

“You could do that, but I’d still consider it a win on my part.”

Sasuke glared at him as he shoved the can back onto the shelf. “What does this even have to do with anything?”

Kakashi let the front chair legs fall back to earth with a thump. “I think you’re in a similar situation with your company right now. On the one hand, you could fight a lengthy legal battle that you would likely still lose, or you could rip off the proverbial band-aid and find something else to do. Also, I enjoy having free labor.”

“Hmph.”

“What other interests do you have?”

Sasuke shrugged and started to work on the other bag. Jars and boxes would go upside down.

“Painting? Sports? You strike me as an angsty poetry kinda guy, but I’ve been wrong before.”

“I was on a fencing team for a while. Not going to make a career out of that though.”

Kakashi smirked. “I wasn’t asking you to. Unrelated question.”

“Did you ever want to be a politician?”

“Yeah. Went as far as majoring in poli-sci for two years before I dropped out of college. Turns out trying to please your dead old man by following in his footsteps isn’t always the healthiest option.”

Sasuke nodded, satisfied.  

 

* * *

 

“I want to have a funeral for Itachi.”

“Huh?”

Sasuke hissed impatiently into the phone as he waited for the sleep to clear from Sakura’s brain. It was two o’clock in the morning and he was pacing around the pond at the city park, willing away the urge to drink himself to sleep.

“S’everything okay?”

“Yeah. I just can’t get the idea out of my head.” He picked up a stone and lobbed it across the water’s smooth surface. It skipped twice, then sank. “Might help me get closure or whatever,” he said, paraphrasing Tsunade’s words.

 “A-Alright.” He could hear the wheels in her brain turning, squeaky from sleep.

“I dunno. Thought I should invite you or whatever.” _Do you invite people to funerals?_ “Technically he’s already been buried by the city but…” _I need to lay him to rest. To confirm it with my own eyes. Stop obsessing over what he’d do or what my family would think. It’s killing me._

“Thanks?” Sakura still sounded confused and slightly worried.

“Sorry for bothering you so late. I’ll talk to you later. Go back to bed.” 

He hung up, but he was still restless and alone; staring out across the silent, black water that held no more answers than the depths of a magic eight ball.

Itachi felt closer at night. His ghost breathed down Sasuke’s neck as he paced along the pond’s edge, neither approving nor condemning, but watching every move with hawk-like precision.

_You said you wanted me to be free but what did that mean? Free of the corruption? Free of father’s expectations? Of the company? Responsibilities as clan heir?_

Sasuke gritted his teeth in frustration. Itachi had left only more questions, not answers. And now that he was in the ground, there was no way to get them. Sakura was too tired to be of any help, and he’d feel bad about calling her back again, but Naruto…

He picked up on the second ring.

“Heyyyy Sasuke!”

“Where are you?” The background was a hubbub of voices and loud music, not the relative quiet of Iruka’s home.

“Out,” Naruto said blithely. “I was feelin’ all cooped up, ya know? Too much energy.”

Sasuke held in a sigh of relief. He still wasn’t sure where the stood anymore after the night at the carnival. Naruto always seemed a bit too bright, with a smile stretched a too wide to be completely genuine. Like he was holding back.

_It’s worth a shot._

“What kind of dope goes out on a Tuesday? You should come to the park on Bryarhurst. Bring cigarettes. You owe me.” He hung up before Naruto had a chance to protest.

 

* * *

 

It took about forty minutes, but the blond eventually showed up waving a carton of smokes.

“Lucky Strikes? Are you fucking kidding me?”

“Beggars can’t be choosers.” Naruto stuck his tongue out as Sasuke grudgingly accepted the pack. “Whatja call me all the way out here for anyway? And for your information, PLENTY of people go out on Tuesdays.”

Sasuke told him about his plan for Itachi. When he was finished, Naruto ran a hand through his hair and ground the butt of his cigarette out with his heel.

“Why bother?” All the fake-cheery playfulness was gone from his face. He scrutinized Sasuke with eyes hard as flint. “I’m serious. That bastard fucked you over a hundred different ways and you still think you gotta repay him somehow?!”

“It’s complicated.”

“Really? Cuz I don’t see it that way.” The blond boy folded his arms over his chest.

“I don’t have to explain myself to you,” Sasuke muttered hotly.

“Fine. Forget it. I thought you wanted my help, but if you don’t trust me I don’t see why I should bother.”

“Maybe it’s not complicated for you but you never had any family! You don’t know what I’ve been through.”

_Shit._

Neither boy moved a muscle. The only sound came from the far-off roar of downtown and the hum of an insomniac mosquito. When Naruto finally replied, the words crawled out of his mouth like wounded soldiers.

“That’s right. I hadta figure out on my own who to trust. Who I could rely on. Iruka was the first person who didn’t treat me like something they scraped off the bottom of their shoe an’ you know what? He’s my family now. So’s you an’ Sakura. I just don’t get why you’re sacrificing everything cuz of blood ties. They don’t mean shit to me an’ maybe I’m being dumb again an’ maybe I’ll never understand but what I do know is Itachi was the reason I almost lost you.”

Sasuke was forced to look away.

_That’s why he never visited. He thought I was trying to leave him behind, alone to fend for himself again._

“And if you had lost me, wouldn’t you want people to remember that there was good in me too? Even if it was only the rest of your little family? I need to give him a place to rest.” _So that he’ll stop haunting me._

“I guess,” Naruto mumbled. 

“I don’t know what to do anymore,” Sasuke said quietly to the black, bottomless water. “Hizashi’s going to take over the company-”

Naruto hissed in annoyance. “Didn’t you hear what I just said? You gotta stop playing by the rules! Everybody’s expecting you to do this ‘n that but you gotta surprise ‘em. Come from behind.”

“That is not at all what you just said.” But Sasuke let a small smirk cross his face.

“Yeh well sometimes it’s hard to keep all my thoughts straight.” Naruto scratched his cheek pensively, “I guess what I wanna say is that even if you let Hizashi take over that doesn’t mean you halfta stop fighting altogether. Play a little dirty. That’s what they were doing in the first place. I can see it now,” he slung an arm around Sasuke’s shoulder. “You work your way up with another company. Become CEO, then BAM buy out Uchiha enterprises and Hizashi’ll be begging at your feet. Even better, you’ll have _earned_ it, not just got it through your daddy or whatever. If business is what you wanna do, don’t let Itachi stop you cuz of some cryptic warnings. Trust yourself, yeah!”

Sasuke fought to keep from laughing, but the other boy felt his shoulder shake and turned to him in concern.

“What?”

“And I-I’m guessing that when you’re President you’ll give me all the good tax breaks and shit. For old time’s sake?” He managed to get out around gasps.

“Hell yeah! That’s what friends are for.”  

“You’re a delusional dork.”

“Well you’re a Debbie Downer.” Naruto clocked him gently under the chin. “It’s gonna work out somehow.”

Sasuke stared up at the night sky. The moon was hidden behind a thick layer of clouds. His hands were getting cold, so he lit another cigarette to give himself something to do. Hizashi’s paperwork would still be there in the morning, the newspapermen would still harass him on the streets, and he had a funeral to plan.

“Just gotta wade knee-deep through shit first.”

Naruto nudged him with his elbow. “Sakura and I’ll help you shovel.”


	22. Chapter 22

The alarm clock on his bedside table went off at 6:30, but Sasuke hadn’t slept a wink. He stopped his tireless pacing- a circuitous route throughout his apartment as if to remind himself of all the little things he stood to lose if he messed this up; namely a roof and four walls, peace and quiet, his pride…

Sasuke turned off the squalling alarm with a decisive click. His clothes had all been laid out the night before with the foolish worry that he might somehow sleep in or forget what day it was. He fussed briefly with the buttons on his vest, pinned the empty left sleeve to his shoulder so it wouldn’t flop about, and attempted to flatten his hair for about twenty minutes before he gave up. There was nothing to be done for the bags under his eyes.

The cab honked outside his window. Sasuke pocketed his keys, along with the bottlecap necklace Sakura had given him for good luck. Hizashi’s papers were safely tucked in a slick, black briefcase by the door. He snatched it on his way out, ignoring the lump in his throat.

He couldn’t shake the feeling that his father was frowning down at him from on high.

 

* * *

 

“That wasn’t so hard, was it?”

Sasuke set down the pen, jammed his hands into his pockets, and clenched his fists so hard his knuckles cracked but at least Hizashi wouldn’t see him shaking.

_It’s finished. I’m nobody._

There was no fanfare or chorus of angels trumpeting his freedom. The walls didn’t come crashing down with the combined force of his family’s crushing disappointment. He was sure his shirt must be stained with sweat and Hizashi was too civil to mention it.

“As a gesture of goodwill, Uchiha Enterprises would like to-”

“I thought we agreed you weren’t going to use that name anymore,” Sasuke growled.

Hizashi’s face puckered as if he’d eaten something sour. “Yes, our marketing strategists are working on it at the moment, but it might be a few months before a complete re-branding can take place. So I’m going to use the old name for now, _if you don’t mind._ ”

He gave a stiff nod. His whole body was dangerously numb, the kind of deadened sensation he’d only experienced a few times after extreme intoxication. Back then, it was what he’d been aiming for. Now he wondered if he’d ever be able to shake to feeling.

“As I was saying, we’d like to offer you a unique research position once you’ve finished school and set yourself up in the industry. You work for any number of our competitors for a few years, then bring back fresh, new ideas for the company. It’d be a way to get your foot back in the door, so to speak. Maybe you’d even be able to rise up to my level on your own. Eventually.”

“You want me to spy on other businesses.”

Hizashi’s forehead wrinkled in distaste. “That’s a very direct way of putting it.”

_Once I walk out those doors, I’ll never be able to come back. I’ll never be in this office again. I’ll never be in control._          

Once more Sasuke felt the pressure of his ancestors at his back; generations of family pride, hard work, and determination. The Uchiha didn’t bow and they didn’t bend. Or so he’d been told. At the same time (though he hated to admit it), Itachi’s warnings had shaken him to his core; the business was built on blood and lies, so dangerous he’d killed everyone just to protect Sasuke from the lifestyle. He wouldn’t bother concocting a lie that elaborate, would he?

_Plus I’d be the perfect scapegoat if the feds were to uncover any wrongdoing; the wayward heir given one last chance only to blow it by spilling trade secrets._

Sasuke leveled the new CEO with a withering stare. “No. And don’t forget to take down my family crest from the entryway. You’ll have to find a new logo.”

He barely felt Hizashi’s handshake, the floor changing from hardwood to carpet to tile as he was led out past the secretary’s desk and into the hall. An assistant smiled eagerly but Sasuke waved him away. The elevator was too claustrophobic. He would take the stairs.

_There’s nothing left to tie me to them anymore. To this place. Who I was before. Who I wanted to be._

The Uchiha crest glared down on him like a baleful eye.                                                                                               

_Am I spitting on their graves?_

Through the plate-glass window front, he could see a mob of reporters had gathered. Long-armed microphones reached for him, ready to pounce on whatever precious statement he might make. High-powered cameras waited to blind, held by faceless shadow with mouths full of questions.

A flash of bubblegum pink darted into the lobby.

“Sakura, what are you doing here? I can-” _I can do this on my own._ He fought the instinctive push-pull nature of their relationship. _I need her here so I don’t go back to making the same mistakes I did before._  

“Are you sure you want to go through with this?” Her clothes were rumpled from shoving through the crowd. “I understand if you don’t. There’s probably still time for us to sneak out the back.”

Sasuke fingered the bottlecap necklace in his pocket.  Then, he gave her hand a little squeeze before stepping out into the flurry of flashing lights.

 

* * *

 

“Mr. Uchiha, is it true that you’ve given up your stake in Uchiha Enterprises?”

“What does this mean for the future of the company?”

“Does this have anything to do with your brother, Itachi?”

“What are your plans now?”

The questions hit him like a wall of bricks. For a moment he was disoriented by the movement, the heat of bodies pressed together, the sparking curiosity. Sakura pressed into his back; supporting, stabilizing.

Sasuke looked out over the knot of people, fixed his attention on a patch of grass just beyond them, and spoke into one of twelve microphones shoved in his face with a cool, calm air of disconnection.

“Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to step down and leave my family’s company in Noburo Hizashi’s hands.”  

The air around him exploded.

“What do you have to say to concerned stockholders?”

“There have been rumors circulating that Itachi uncovered-”

“Do you plan to carry out the family business on your own terms?”

“Who’s the girl standing behind you?”

“No comment!” Sakura snapped, glaring daggers at the reporter who’d asked the last question. She nudged Sasuke forward. He twined her fingers in his and together they began inching forward.

“Where’s your car?” He muttered low enough that he hoped no one else could hear over the din.

“Across the street. I told Naruto to keep the key in the ignition so we could make a quick getaway. Hopefully he hasn’t driven it into a tree by now.”

“Has your new physical handicap affected your ability to run a business?”

“Is Itachi Uchiha really a member of an underground radical anti-capitalist terrorist cell?”

“Are you leaving to focus more on inter-personal relationships? Is she your girlfriend?”

_They can’t touch me anymore._ He longed for a drink all the same.

Sasuke kept his head held high as they fought their way through inch by inch. Sweat gathered at the base of his neck, hot breath rose from open, hungry mouths, elbows jostled, hands reached out, but he clutched tightly to Sakura and eventually they were free.

His knees almost gave out when he spotted Kakashi leaning against the hood of Sakura’s car while Naruto bounced excitedly next to him. From the way his hands were waving about and the animated look on his face, he was telling the older man a story. Probably about how they met.

“Yo!” Kakashi raised a hand like he’d run into Sasuke at the supermarket, rather than mid-flight from a horde of reporters and half his worst nightmares.

“What the hell are you doing here?” Sasuke asked hotly as Sakura manhandled him into the car with a nervous glance over her shoulder. Kakashi slid into the back next to Naruto, who was busy flicking off the press with enthusiastic relish.

“Ohh, figured I’d check in. Isn’t that what a good mentor’s supposed to do?” The car lurched forward with a screech and he was forced to cling to the door handle. His voice was deceptively calm, though the whiteness of his knuckles proved he was having difficulty keeping himself from sliding around as Sakura made several harsh turns.

“Why are you being so nice all of a sudden anyways? Even the last time we talked- you were only like, seventy-five percent of an asshole.”

Kakashi chuckled. “You’re asking me why I gave you the third degree at our first meeting? Let’s just say I was testing you. Annnd you passed.”

“Creepy,” Sasuke muttered. His fingers beat a tattoo against the window as the adrenaline started to wear off in a slow leak; the tension collapsing in on itself like air leaving a deflating balloon. Arrangements still had to be made for Itachi’s funeral. The thought gave him a headache.

Naruto’s harsh voice rose in the backseat. There were too many people sharing too little space. The air thickened to the point where it was getting hard to breathe. Sakura’s hand resting on his knee, once a source of comfort was getting heavier and more oppressive by the minute.

“Pull over.”

“Sasuke, wait-” She cried out, reaching for him.

“Let him go,” Kakashi sounded like he had on the first day Sasuke met him- all steel with no pretense of jocularity or harmlessness.

_No doubt he’s physically holding Naruto down._

A few steps out of reach, on the border of the sidewalk and someone’s lawn, his legs quivered and threatened to desert him. Sasuke bent over, his hands on his knees and let out all the fear and uncertainty that had been building in his chest in one long, muffled groan.

_It’s over. For real this time. No more false starts or last words. I’ve made a break from the company without a plan where to go next. Fantastic._

The most obvious answer was to sprint away to the nearest bar. Drown himself in alcohol until it didn’t matter what the future held. When the only certainty was another shot, a blackout just around the corner.

_But you aren’t alone anymore._

Behind him was a carful of people who cared (or at least pretended to, Kakashi was still a bit of an enigma). If he went back down the path of self-destruction, he’d only be dragging them down with him.

_You’ve got a fucking support system for once in your life, what’s the use if you don’t use them?_

He thought about Naruto’s bluster and unwavering loyalty, and Sakura’s calm determination. He hadn’t managed to alienate them yet, despite his best efforts. Then there was Kakashi, no doubt waiting to pounce behind that unruffled exterior; to claim he’d been right all along and that Sasuke was nothing more than a hopeless brat doomed to an addict’s hell.

And yet he still couldn’t force himself to turn around and go back in the car. What if he could never escape his family’s burden? Or Itachi’s shadow, which still lingered from beyond the grave? The world seemed so huge and full of too many conflicting, intersecting destinies now that he could no longer follow his chosen path.

Sasuke heard a footfall behind him and tensed, ready for a confrontation, but when he turned around he found Sakura sitting cross-legged on the grass.

“Whenever you’re ready,” she said simply. Naruto was gawking from the backseat, but with concern, not malice.

As Sasuke scrubbed a stray tear off his cheek, he though he saw Kakashi give him an imperceptible nod of approval.  

 

* * *

 

He said goodbye to Itachi for the last time on a cloudless Tuesday afternoon. The ground was carpeted in the kind of soft, green grass favored by Impressionists. No priest or ceremony, just Sakura clinging to his side and Naruto shuffling uncomfortably in formal wear.

The headstone was small and unobtrusive. White granite bearing Itachi’s name. Sasuke had debated putting the Uchiha crest on it as well, as was tradition, but ultimately decided against it. Though his brother’s motives may have held a twisted sort of righteousness, that didn’t excuse what he’d done. Sasuke had discreetly requested copies of trade reports from Uchiha Enterprises dating back to the founding of the company. Pouring over them would take years, and even then he might never understand the full reasoning behind Itachi’s actions.

Naruto cleared his throat, a sound which was startlingly loud in the cemetery. Sakura shot him a dirty look, which he shrugged off helplessly before whispering an apology.

Sasuke bowed his head. He’d never been the praying type, nor did he hold any lofty notions about life after death, but he felt he should do _something_ to offset the feeling he was staring at a hunk of rock that marked his brother’s bones, hidden deep underground.

_I don’t know if I can ever forgive you, but I hope you can rest now. I think we owe that to each other._

A raven perched on a branch above his head, gave a throaty caw, then flew off.

“I’m ready. Let’s go,” he told his friends. _I won’t come back here again._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more chapter to go!!! Thanks for sticking with me this far, and (especially) to those of you who've taken the time to comment on every chapter... wow. I can't quite put into words how grateful I am for your time and dedication.


	23. Epilogue

**Six Months Later**

As a quiet place to focus, Iruka’s makeshift home for wayward children was not ideal. Sasuke hunched over his laptop and gritted his teeth as he tried to ignore the slap-bang sound coming from the room next door. Naruto bouncing a ball off the floor in a way that it ricocheted off the wall they shared before catching it. Finally he gave in and pounded on the wall with his fist. Naruto responded by throwing the ball even harder the next time around.

“Some of us have work to do, dumbass!” Sasuke snapped.

“What’re you gonna do about it? You’re still on probation,” his unruly neighbor called in an annoying sing-song.

_Ugh._

The old apartment had proved too isolated, not to mention expensive, for him to stay long after he’d formally given up Uchiha Enterprises and all the financial promise that it held. He still had the remains of his inheritance, eaten away by hospital bills as it was, but he needed to start being careful with his money now that there was no guaranteed employment on the horizon. Plus, school was proving to be maddeningly expensive.

Iruka was either a saint or a moron for taking him back in, even under extra restrictions (including a curfew, much to his irritation), but Sasuke was in no position to look a gift horse in the mouth.

_This is only a temporary solution,_ he reminded himself. _I don’t think I’m legally allowed to stay once I turn eighteen._

Meanwhile, the thumping continued.

“Why don’t you go bother Hinata?”

“Why don’t you go help Kakashi walk his dogs?”

“Because I have a Pre-Law application that’s not going to write itself. Not that you’d know much about higher education, idiot.”

“Snob.”

Sasuke bit the inside of his cheek to resist being dragged into another round of name-calling. He pecked listlessly at a few keys. Typing one-handed was still a major pain in the ass. After a few more minutes of staring blankly at the screen, he gave up altogether and stomped out, muttering a baleful “fuck you,” as he passed Naruto’s door. The blond boy responded cheerfully in kind.

 

* * *

 

He found Sakura in a similar position to the one he’d just left; slouched on her bed squinting at her laptop.

“The door was unlocked.”

She gave a small squeak as she noticed his presence. A small frown creased her forehead.

“Do you need something?”

Sasuke shrugged. “Are you busy? I thought all your finals were finished.”

“They are, but I’m going to take a couple classes at Tri-C this summer and mom wants me to get a part-time job to pay for the courses and extra gas money…”

“I can leave.”

Sakura rolled her eyes. “Please stay. Save me from myself.” She scrubbed a hand over her face. “I feel like I’ve been staring at this stupid machine my entire life. What about the law school thing? How’s that going?”

“About the same as you, by the looks of it.” Sasuke slid into place next to her. She wiggled closer so that her back was pressing against his chest. He noted that she was still using the same floral shampoo that he recognized from the night he’d spent in her room before the hellish encounter with Itachi.

Sakura made a soft noise of sympathy in her throat. “I’ve been so stressed out recently. I was hoping I’d have time to relax a bit over the summer, mentally recuperate or whatever but it looks like that won’t be the case,” she sighed.

“Have you been eating enough?”

“Mhmm.”

“Even breakfast?”

“Sasuke!”

“Sorry.”

He leaned in closer, ran his hand along the delicate ridge of her spine that was, to his relief, covered in a healthy layer of fat and not trying to tear through paper-skin. Ino had been dragged kicking and screaming back into treatment the week before. Sakura had been unusually quiet since then; the quiet strain showed only at the corners of her lips when she smiled, but he could sense it lurking all the same.

“Oooh wait, right there- Don’t stop!” she admonished when Sasuke froze. He’d been absentmindedly rubbing small circles around her shoulder blade with his thumb.

_Maybe it’d be worth getting a prosthetic after all,_ he thought as she leaned into his touch. _I could give her more than a half-assed massage._

At the same time, he rejected the idea. His stump stirred an odd mixture of resentment and pride in him; yes, it was a reminder of everything he’d lost, all the terrible decisions he’d made and the people he’d hurt, but it was also a reminder that he’d _survived_ those things, that he’d changed. Hiding his injury would be a form of dishonesty.

“You don’t mind, do you?” he asked.

“Are you kidding me? This feels amazing! I must have a giant knot back there.”

“I mean, the fact that I can’t do both shoulders at the same time,” Sasuke tried again, rather testily.

Sakura rolled over onto her side so she could face him. “I think that means you just have to do it longer,” she said with a grin.

He snorted but reached out to cup her chin in his hand all the same. Sakura inhaled sharply. He met her eyes and was suddenly aware of how warm her skin was beneath his fingertips. They weren’t simply teasing each other anymore. Something hushed and exciting crawled beneath the surface.

“Is this okay?” She rested her hand on the bare strip of skin above his hip where his shirt had ridden up, sending a delicious shock throughout his body.

Sasuke planted a clumsy kiss on her jawline. She giggled and he moved to her lips.

_Don’t think about it too hard. Relax._

Sakura hummed at the back of her throat, then slid her hand further up his shirt, exploring stomach and chest with nervous, feathery touches like he was a statue in a museum. Sasuke followed suit, but she flinched away as his fingers brushed her navel.

He pulled away his hand as if he’d burned her, clenched the offending fist tightly at his side.

_Moron, you hurt her again._ He didn’t know how, but that wasn’t what mattered.

“I-I’m sorry,” Sakura curled herself into a protective ball. “It just feels weird because um, that’s a part of my body I really hate and I don’t want you to see it. I know that’s dumb,” she muttered into her pillow.

“I think you’re beautiful.” The words were out before he could decide if they were fit for public consumption. They sounded unbelievably corny to his ears, inadequate. Sasuke wasn’t sure where to look, so he stared hard at her fluffy pink bedspread.

“Thank you,” she said gently. “I hope I can see myself that way someday too. Will you just lie here with me for a little while?”

Sasuke was happy to oblige.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mega shoutout to RedBeardtheNotPirate for his beta mastery and all-around emotional support. I came up for the idea for this fic after watching one too many episodes of Intervention during a low point in my life and it's title is "Mega Trash" on my computer so I never really expected anyone to read it but thank you!! 
> 
> My tumblr is stopblowingholesinmeship if you ever want to stop by.


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